Log In Sign Up

DH... What to do, what to do???


Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Like Tree11Likes
  • 1 Post By geogeek
  • 1 Post By Empty arms
  • 1 Post By AnnaBonana
  • 1 Post By Empty arms
  • 1 Post By MelChicago
  • 1 Post By islandbaby
  • 1 Post By momology
  • 1 Post By lelila
  • 1 Post By momology
  • 1 Post By Knewton
  • 1 Post By Knewton

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Trying to Conceive after Loss LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
July 18th, 2013, 01:16 PM
Redneck_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SE Texas
Posts: 1,449
DH, as we all know, was acting weird before we started ntnp this month. After everyone's input, I decided to go with it was probably just his way of coping with the fears and anxieties he has about pregnancies.

I guess you might have to know my husband to answer this, or understand why I'm asking at all. But, here goes, with a short description of him. Just think of the sweetest, kindest, mildest, most meek, gentle, trusting, caring, loving, country gentleman ever, and now you know him. My issue is whether or not to tell him right away if I get a BFP. On one hand, I'm sure he would want to know. I would want to know if it way the other way around. He "participated" so I know he's got the possibility on his mind. He knows I buy tests like a maniac. Then, the other hand... He's so easily hurt. He flat out will not ever try again if we lose another one. I'm torn as to what to do. If I tell him as soon as I see a BFP, and lose it early, he might never know, and we could try again. I would be crushed, but I think I could handle it better than another late loss. I'm sort of thinking maybe if I see that BFP, I'll start getting blood tests and just see how things are progressing before I tell him. But, he also knows when AF is due... Soooo, ugh, idk.

Ideas? Comments?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
July 18th, 2013, 01:34 PM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In yonder mountains
Posts: 9,340
That is a toughie. I really have no advice since I have never been in that situation. If he knows when AF should start, he might ask you if he realizes you are late, so maybe just let him ask.
Redneck_Mommy likes this.
__________________


Thank you *kiliki* for my beautiful siggy!

Reply With Quote
  #3  
July 18th, 2013, 01:42 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 397
Maybe you could start discussing this thoughts w/him as an "as if" situation... I guess I would ask him "So if I get pregnant and we end up loosing it, you will never want to try again? Really, 100%?" then if he agrees tell him you would like to try again no matter what, tell him you want this more than anything... You know, just get him talking about it! And if he still can't turn his mind around, I would tell him "then maybe I just shouldn't tell you until I'm far into the pregnancy"... just to see what he says!
Maybe he'll change his mind eventually when he realizes how important it is to you!
Redneck_Mommy likes this.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
July 18th, 2013, 01:47 PM
Redneck_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SE Texas
Posts: 1,449
He doesn't want to discuss it at all. It just makes things very difficult. He has made it blatantly obvious that he will not ever try again, under any circumstance. So, changing his mind is not an option. Hiding the beginning of a pregnancy might be tho... Hmmmm
Reply With Quote
  #5  
July 18th, 2013, 01:59 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,312
I would probably wait a week at least... I'm sure you could put it off for that long. Get some betas done and see how things progress.

((Hugs)) hard decisions. I don't advocate necessarily hiding anything from DH, but in a hard situation like this I'm not sure what I would actually do.
Redneck_Mommy likes this.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
July 18th, 2013, 02:21 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 397
If that's so, I guess I'd hide it for a month! But that's just me!!
Redneck_Mommy likes this.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
July 18th, 2013, 06:15 PM
Just keep breathing.
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,020
You know, I went through this. After my second loss, I did not tell my DH when I got another BFP. We'd had sort of a blowout and he said he didn't want to try again. It was in the peak of emotion, I didn't know how "serious" he was about that. Well, then I got a BFP, and thought I'd wait to tell him until I had good news about it- a HB, or good 8-week checkup. I don't know, I might have even waited til the first trimester was over.

But then good news never came. Bad hcg tests, and bad ultrasounds. It was a blighted ovum, and I started having all sorts of weird bleeding. After a few weeks of weird bleeding (aka couldn't dtd) he knew something was up, so I had to share.

If it had been a "normal" early miscarriage, I don't know if I would have told him.

I had my mom and I had my therapist. That was the support I had. If you don't tell DH, I highly recommend making sure you have some ironclad support. I felt like I couldn't even tell my best friend- I felt weird about the idea of telling my besties when DH didn't know.

There were times where I felt GREAT about DH not knowing. He provided me an outlet to be cheery and goofy and "normal". And I really needed that. With my previous losses there was a feeling of walking on eggshells around eachother. That was hard- I feel like in a marriage, only one partner should be allowed to "lose it", at any given time. And there were times I felt horrid about DH not knowing. Not really about him as the father deserving the truth, but more about the distance it made between us, not being able to share what was going on in my heart. And then on occasion having to fake that nothing's wrong, when it was. I feel this still has some repercussions- me feeling scared to share when I'm having a bad day (like today) or being nervous to tell him about drs appointments and stuff.

I don't know what I'll do the next time I get a BFP, either. The thing about recurrent loss is, there's no innocent joy to be found in that moment. Telling him about the BFP isn't going to be a happy time, it's going to be a scary, anxious time. I think it all depends on how well equipped you feel to cope- if you have enough support to deal with your own worries, in addition to his.
Redneck_Mommy likes this.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
July 18th, 2013, 07:29 PM
Redneck_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SE Texas
Posts: 1,449
Mel- I totally hear ya. I guess I will have to really think about what I want to do. I just can't see not telling him. But, I just can't see not trying again if we had another early loss.
With the loss of our son, I dealt with it by writing my thoughts and having my needed moments (some peaceful and some sad). We cried together and comforted each other. I didn't even tell my family I was pregnant, so I didn't tell them about the loss either. All they knew was I couldn't go to the Christmas gathering because I was in the hospital. They still don't know. But, I have friends if I need them. I'm much more of a self healer though. I'm not one to verbalize my feelings with anyone but DH and my best friend, whom is male, so he doesn't get it. Anyway, thank you again for your perspective.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
July 18th, 2013, 08:07 PM
~ ttc island baby #3 ~
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,383
Honestly? I have thought of doing the exact same thing. I know if I had another loss, it would be so much more difficult to convince my husband to try again. I just don't know how I would be able to keep it from him even for a day. He is my best friend and I would feel so strange keeping a secret from him. I have considered the possibility of not telling him for a while though. Just like you mentioned, I would be able to deal with a loss again much better than he would! I honestly don't know what to tell you to do. Just go with your gut feeling, I guess! Good luck!!!
Redneck_Mommy likes this.
__________________





~Always missing our angel baby 16/3/2013~
Reply With Quote
  #10  
July 19th, 2013, 07:26 AM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 6,296
that is a really really tough situation. I think all you can do is make the decision that is best for your family. I don't think I would ever lie to DH but I think I might wait until he asked if I was in your situation. Knowing how hard he takes it I think it could be in his best interest too. Maybe another option is - and this would be hard for me - don't test right away. Then you wont know for sure either. I guess I am not sure how long you are wanting to wait to tell him. From my past experience I think DH would notice by week 5.

Redneck_Mommy likes this.
__________________

Thank you *Kiliki* for the amazing siggy!!

Expecting our first baby August 25th, 2014!!!


Reply With Quote
  #11  
July 19th, 2013, 07:31 AM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,021
Tough situation. Honesty is the best policy though. My advice, one wife to another is tell him. Be straight. You want to share the joy of a pregnancy from the beginning.

If, god forbid, it doesn't last, you will need his support, and he will need yours.

Good Luck
Redneck_Mommy likes this.
__________________
Leia 41 yrs young

Wife to Big Bull 40
Mommy to Big Brother our first Miracle Feb 24 2006
Mommy to Little Brother, our Rainbow, March 24, 2014

Never Forgetting our Angels 2012, 2013
Reply With Quote
  #12  
July 19th, 2013, 07:51 AM
Redneck_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SE Texas
Posts: 1,449
Samantha, I don't know if I could keep it from him for a day either. But I know he would be absolutely devastated at another loss. He was a wreck after our last one.
Elle, I wouldn't lie to him, no way. But, lets say I found out before AF is due... I might hold off on telling him without him asking. He knows when she's due as much as I do, so I am guessing that he would then ask. I guess I'm just thinking that if I had an early loss, it may be perceived as AF, if he didn't know. Then I would have another chance.
Yes, I agree that being honest with DH is best policy. But, holding off on that honesty might actually get a baby in my arms as where if I disclose too soon, that could end up as a loss and there is no chance ever again. Zero. He's talking permanent BC.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
July 19th, 2013, 09:25 AM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 6,296
Totally agree with that! In that case I would wait until he asks. Best of luck to you!!!
Redneck_Mommy likes this.
__________________

Thank you *Kiliki* for the amazing siggy!!

Expecting our first baby August 25th, 2014!!!


Reply With Quote
  #14  
July 19th, 2013, 10:17 AM
Knewton's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 549
I've thought about waiting with my husband but he also has never lost a baby with me . Maybe wait & tell him it was because you didn't want to hurt him if you did loose another baby.
Redneck_Mommy likes this.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
July 19th, 2013, 04:51 PM
Redneck_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SE Texas
Posts: 1,449
OMG! I'm such a goofus!!! I JUST noticed! DH is asking every day if I'm pregnant, in his own way. He knows I won't drink in the 2ww, and I've been out of wine since o weekend. He's offered a new bottle EVERY DAY. I just tell him "not yet, thank you". He just says "oh, ok" back. When it's time for AF and I don't get wine... He will know.

Last edited by Redneck_Mommy; July 19th, 2013 at 05:00 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
July 19th, 2013, 05:10 PM
Knewton's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 549
wine.. gets us every time!
Redneck_Mommy likes this.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:37 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0