Log In Sign Up

whats the "right thing" to say? loss mentioned


Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Like Tree2Likes
  • 1 Post By MrsHopeful
  • 1 Post By Rainbow Catcher

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Trying to Conceive after Loss LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
October 26th, 2013, 12:25 PM
#6 otw for us:)
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: in the snow
Posts: 124
One of my very closest friends found out she was expecting approx 11days ago, 6w 5d along, baby's heartbeat was very clear on ultrasound...
she started bleeding day before yesterday but without any pain or cramping at all, I told her that her doc was right and to wait out the night, if it continued or became super heavy or painful to go into see the doc...
Last night something wasn't feeling right so she went into the ER...
Ultrasound showed baby measured right on at 8w0d but there was no heartbeat anymore:-(

Unplanned does not mean unwanted, she has 3 living children, ages almost 14, 12, and just turned 2. This is m/c #2 for her between 8-11weeks...

What can I possibly say to help her feel better? Is there anything u wish someone would have said to you after a loss??
I feel terrible for her shes one of the sweetest women I've ever met, and I hate to see her hurting...
btw I am pregnant, exactly 20weeks to the day further along than the baby she just lost, and am feeling maybe I should stay away because I don't want her to see my belly n feel worse!!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
October 26th, 2013, 12:36 PM
jes81878's Avatar Jennifer
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Burlington, KY
Posts: 612
I think you staying away wouldn't be a good idea. Even though I understand your reasoning, it may come across to her that you don't care. I wouldn't talk about your pregnancy or the baby in front of her, but she needs to know that you are there for her.

We lost our baby around 7 weeks. We had a lot of people saying they were sorry for our loss, but I had a friend tell me that she was so sorry for the loss of my child. That made it real for me, and it validated all my heartbreak and didn't take away from the fact that we lost a baby early, but it was still our child.
__________________
Jennifer 34 (tubal factor and lost my left tube from ectopic)
Andres 34 (perfect SA)
My Son 10
My Son 13
Husband no bio/children (but the best father ever to my two boys)
TTC for 4 years
IVF in June 2013 (BFP)
1st Beta (10dp5dt) #761

Boy/Girl Twins

Reply With Quote
  #3  
October 26th, 2013, 12:54 PM
Just keep breathing.
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,960
Tell her you're so, so sorry for her loss, that you love her and are there for her. (just read Jennifer's reply- specifying that you're sorry for the loss of her child is fine too). Keep calling, listen to her and let her take the lead- if she wants to talk more, or if she needs time to herself. If you are close to her DH, maybe give him a call to see about dropping off a meal, taking the kids for an afternoon, or finding out what else might help them.

Do not tell her that it happened for a reason, something just must have been wrong, she'll have another, that at least it happened early, that god has a plan, that it wasn't really a baby, that she'll get over it.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
October 26th, 2013, 02:02 PM
Redneck_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SE Texas
Posts: 1,406
Hello, it's nice of you to think of her and how she might feel. So many people assume that they know how someone else feels. I admire your thoughtfulness.
I agree with Mel, tell her you're sorry this happened. Also, avoid those cliches like Mel mentioned. Nobody wants to hear that stuff.
Personally, I avoid pregnant women, even today. I don't know how your friend feels, but it's worth finding out. I'd certainly call first and ask permission to visit. Even if permission is granted, watch her body language. If her body language tells you it's making her uncomfortable to see your belly, you might want to reconsider your visit. Again, just my opinion.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
October 26th, 2013, 02:30 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 643
I agree with Redneck Mommy. Ask her how she feels about seeing you. Tell her you are sorry for the loss of her child and that you are there for her. After that, don't bring it up unless she does. Tell her she can talk to you about it anytime. I've realized I deal with two different people now. A month after my m/c, and it seems people are either too overbearing asking how things are going and such as far as trying and how I feel physically..bringing up memories that maybe I was finally having a moment to forget for an hour. OR they act like I should be over it by now, act like nothing ever happened, and are therefore completely insensitive. I think just being genuinely sad for her and understanding and being there for her is the best thing you can do. If she's ok being around you, maybe take her to a movie or out to eat or have a girls day. You could also ask her if she'd like to do something special in honor of her lost child. Maybe plant a tree or bury a memory box. My husband isn't the sentimental type so I didn't think he'd go for doing anything...and I kind of wish a friend had suggested or offered to do something with me because I really think it would've/would help me get some closure.

The fact that you even care enough to come and ask is amazing to me. You are obviously such a wonderful friend. With people like you around her, your friend will be just fine. It just takes time. Good luck <3
Rainbow Catcher likes this.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
October 26th, 2013, 03:54 PM
Rainbow Catcher's Avatar Bound and Determined
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,364
Personally, I wanted to be alone for a solid day or two and didn't want to talk to anyone. Everyone deals with things differently. After that, I was more open... I agree with the other ladies, just tell her you're there for her however you need her to be.
MrsHopeful likes this.
__________________
Thanks for my awesome siggy, Shortcake!!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
October 26th, 2013, 06:27 PM
Libby22's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 4,155
send her some flowers saying your thinking of her
__________________

My Ovulation Chart || Ovulation Calendar




Af came 2 Aug nz time
Reply With Quote
  #8  
October 26th, 2013, 11:05 PM
Danielle.W's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,684
The best thing people did for us when we lost our last baby was little things that showed they cared.

People dropped food on our doorstep, pans of brownies, dozens of cookies, muffins, flowers, ect.

Asking me "what can I do"? didn't help. But saying things like "I'm bringing you dinner on Tuesday, what sounds best? Spaghetti, Taco's or Pizza?" were awesome ideas

Oh and as far as my closest friend. She stayed with me every minute from when I found out for a week. She was there night and day. She cried with me, laughed with me, brought me water, talked through things, cried again with me in the middle of the night, cleaned up my bloody, dealt with the cremation people when they came to pick up the babies body, took my kids to school, made their lunches, cleaned my house ect.

I'm SUPER lucky to have such an amazing bff <3
__________________



Mama to Valley, Lyric
Levi 9/2009 & Mara 9/2013



My Ovulation Chart

Cycle 12 (of 16) after 2nd tri miscarriage: Soy Iso take 5

Reply With Quote
  #9  
October 29th, 2013, 05:28 PM
#6 otw for us:)
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: in the snow
Posts: 124
Thank u ladies for the responces!
I got a super sad call today, its happening now, no cramping or bleeding all weekend, enough to have her think that maybe just maybe the tech was wrong... but today started with a nasty bout of cramping and a lot of bleeding...
In a way shes feeling better, to at least know, really know, that this is happening and nit to be in limbo anymore...
I did talk to her dh a few days ago, unfortunately my gf is great about letting me in, but not always so open with her dh, hes been feeling really left out of the whole process, but I told him not to let her push him completely away and its seemed to help.
We've talked a few times this last few days, I think its been good for her to just have someone who will listen, and nit really interject much...
just wanted to say thank you, I appreciate your insight! Its hard to watch someone u love hurt when there is absolutely nothing u can do to make their hurt go away...
Good luck to all of you ladies I hope you all have your rainbow babies sooner than later!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
October 31st, 2013, 05:48 AM
.:Shortcake:.'s Avatar ♬♪Music Soothes my Soul♪♬
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 17,035
Quote:
Originally Posted by jessmgt View Post
Thank u ladies for the responces!
I got a super sad call today, its happening now, no cramping or bleeding all weekend, enough to have her think that maybe just maybe the tech was wrong... but today started with a nasty bout of cramping and a lot of bleeding...
In a way shes feeling better, to at least know, really know, that this is happening and nit to be in limbo anymore...
I did talk to her dh a few days ago, unfortunately my gf is great about letting me in, but not always so open with her dh, hes been feeling really left out of the whole process, but I told him not to let her push him completely away and its seemed to help.
We've talked a few times this last few days, I think its been good for her to just have someone who will listen, and nit really interject much...
just wanted to say thank you, I appreciate your insight! Its hard to watch someone u love hurt when there is absolutely nothing u can do to make their hurt go away...
Good luck to all of you ladies I hope you all have your rainbow babies sooner than later!
Your such a great friend! I know this isn't easy on you either. Maybe also direct your friend here? I know for me having these ladies to talk to knowing what I'm going through helped me so much!
__________________

My Angels- 12-15-08 @ 13w3d♥ 05-09 @ 6w2d♥ & 2 Early Losses♥ Twins 9-7-10♥ & 10-2-10 ♥ 2/11/11


Want a siggy in a hurry? Check out my Siggy Express Lane
My blog


Reply With Quote
  #11  
October 31st, 2013, 01:57 PM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 6,296
I think the other ladies have given you wonderful advice. What really helped me was one of my friends just said " that really sucks I dont know what to say" I dont know why but I feel like I was so lost I didn't know what I wanted to hear so that made me feel better and it did suck! She also let me know she would be there for me any time I wanted to talk and that helped me to not feel alone. I also appreciated the flowers friends sent and others who just offered to go to lunch with me more and made more of an effort to hang out. Everyone is different so you just have to read the situation.

I also agree with Katie - being on here with these ladies helped me so much so maybe just letting her know about JM could be helpful as well. You are a great friend
__________________

Thank you *Kiliki* for the amazing siggy!!

Expecting our first baby August 25th, 2014!!!


Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:34 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0