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what if people didn't know you were expecting?


Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

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  • 1 Post By momology
  • 1 Post By Danielle80
  • 1 Post By rabbitranch

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  #1  
November 26th, 2013, 01:37 PM
rabbitranch's Avatar est. 2000
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: central FL
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I know a lot of people don't share about their pregnancy until later in the game in case something happens. For whatever reason we had only told family and a few close friends this time prior to finding out the baby's heart had stopped beating at 9w4d. I feel so torn with wanting to share the news now about losing the baby, but most people didn't even know there was one to begin with. It almost makes it like the baby never existed :/ Part of me just wants to spill it on facebook and part of me says just forget it. Has anyone else been in this situation?
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  #2  
November 26th, 2013, 02:11 PM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Houston, Texas
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With our first loss only a few close friends and family knew since we were planning to wait until after the NT scan to tell the majority of people. After the loss I hated hiding it and I found I needed the support of a few friends who didnt know so I did end up telling them. With our second pregnancy I made sure to tell everyone whose support I would want in case of a loss and that was really helpful for me with coping.

For me feeling like it wasn't real, that my babies never existed was one of the worst parts. That is why talking to friends and family about it was a huge help. I would warn however that there were some people who found and then treated me very different. They wont talk about their children to me, or they tried to relate because their sisters best friends wife had a miscarriage, or they would say super helpful things like "it is for the best something was wrong with it."

I personally hate that miscarriage is some huge secret and that it makes other people so uncomfortable. You just have to do whatever you think will work best for you. I think for me sharing just with the people I am closest too (even if they didn't know about the pregnancy) helped the most. I am not willing to invite anymore unhelpful advice and words of "comfort" from the masses. People really do mean well it just doesn't always come out right.

I really hated that feeling. I also got a small charm to remember my loss and I think having something tangible that I could keep in a jewelry box helped me feel like my baby wasn't something that never existed or that they were just forgotten.

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  #3  
November 26th, 2013, 04:29 PM
butterfly721's Avatar TTC #1
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We didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy except a couple of close friends.

After the miscarriage, DH really wanted to tell our parents and his sisters that I had miscarried. I wish we hadn't. His mom said some really insensitive things, including "It was meant to be." I am still very angry about it.

I would caution against sharing the news on FB. A lot of people will say well meaning things, but they may be ultimately hurtful. I would just tell your close friends or family that you know will be supportive.

Also, if you do decide that you don't want to share the news widely, I would be extra careful who you tell. I discovered that one of our family members gossiped about my miscarriage to others, and I am incredibly hurt and angry about that.
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  #4  
November 26th, 2013, 05:35 PM
rabbitranch's Avatar est. 2000
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Thank you I'm still trying to decide if we should tell the rest of our group of friends or if it's not worth it. I already got the stupid, thoughtless comments from my mom (she's good at that) so I understand that, too. That's kind of my fear that some of our friends will find out secondhand and wonder why they never knew. We lead a 4-H club and homeschool our kids so we have a pretty tight-knit group of friends but I had only told the ones I saw in those couple of weeks between first seeing the heartbeat and then not. So some know and some don't. It feels very weird :/
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  #5  
November 26th, 2013, 06:50 PM
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My husband and I had just revealed our pregnancy only a couple weeks before the miscarriage. I had not shared it with all of my coworkers though. We decided to share the news of the loss with everyone...and I think it was one of the best decisions ive ever made. I had SO many women come to me afterwards and say they experience the same thing but never shared with anyone and wish they would've like we did. I've learned, in life, it is usually best to always be as open and honest as you can in most situations. Telling people will be hard, but theres a good chance it would be therapeutic for you, as it was for me. The more people that know, the more people you have to provide support, and maybe even understand why you may not be acting yourself. Your loss is real. It is no different than any other loss. It was the loss of a life, just like with our family pets and other family members. I think miscarriage isn't something to be embarrassed about or something you should have to feel uncomfortable with sharing. If you feel compelled to tell people, DO IT. Our minds and bodies usually tell us what we need if we listen to them.

Also, I want to add that I DID share it on fb. I wrote a very long, sensitive post about what happened. I know some people might think it's weird or stupid...but I felt like it was best for us. It was like pulling a band aid that way. I only had to do it once really quick and then I never had to speak of it to anyone in person again if I didn't want to. I also wante to make sure no one was missed from knowing becase I didn't want anyone to come up to me and say anything either...unknowingly..like "how are you feeling?!...congratulations!!" You know...all that.
If you do decide you'd like to share the news that way, if you'd like, I can message you with what I posted to provide you with some words if you are at a loss.

On the other hand, I can kind of relate to not telling as well. After our second loss, the chemical pregnancy, we didn't share the news as much. And I definitely wish sometimes that I felt better about telling people. My fear, I think, is that people will think"oh something must be wrong with her" just like I thought/think myself. Maybe I need to take my own advice that I am giving to you!

I'm so sorry for your loss, my dear I hope that you can find some comfort..however that is. <3

Last edited by MrsHopeful; November 26th, 2013 at 07:00 PM.
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  #6  
November 26th, 2013, 07:29 PM
Rainbow Catcher's Avatar Bound and Determined
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We didn't tell but a couple of people about the pregnancy. After our loss, I was SO glad we didn't because it was excruciating for me to call the couple people that knew to tell them that we lost the baby. It was so hard, and I was thankful I didn't have to talk to anymore people than that. However, after the initial shock, I felt that I needed to tell people. I gained comfort from telling my story to people.. and it was very helpful to me as far as my healing process. I really thought about a FB post just to put it all out there, but decided against it. I'm not sure why... I sometimes still feel like posting about it... but I end up not doing it because I don't want the attention. I told people as I needed to, and that did wonders for me. Do whatever you feel is right for you!
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  #7  
November 26th, 2013, 07:39 PM
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Join Date: May 2013
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Only close family and friends know about my losses! I only told close friends and close family when I was pregnant. We thought it was best that way because certain people like few family and friends we know are insensitive.
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<3 I have suffered 4 early M/C's since 2012. I am missing my 4 angels so much. My love for them all will never fade. <3

First M/C loss- 7/8 weeks
Second M/C loss- 4-5 weeks(Chemical)
Third M/C loss- 9 weeks and 4 days
Fourth M/C loss- 10 weeks

~No one else will never know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one that knows what my heart feels like on the inside~

<3 Praying and Hoping that my partner and I will be blessed with our miracle soon. <3
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  #8  
November 27th, 2013, 02:51 AM
Danielle80's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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We made a huge post on FB when I got pregnant with the first m/c. Then a few days later after I started bleeding I HAD to go back on and tell everyone and while the m/c post itself was heart wrenching and excruciating it was cathartic and it helped. I did have a lot of people message me about their m/c experiences. It was nice to know that I was not alone but it was sad to have to talk about it at all.

Now with the second m/c we didn't tell anyone except my mom and it was harder for me. It was like the baby never existed. I was mourning that baby and no one understood why I didn't want to go to fall functions and why I seemed sad. No one knew and they still don't and it feels wrong. I can't say oh but I had a m/c a month ago (again). It has been harder trying to keep it all in and just smile than to have everyone know and understand.

If I were you I would share it, but know that people can and will probably say stupid things. If the dumb comments are made out of love or trying to say something but not knowing what to say then I just know what they meant. If they are rude then I just tell people where the heck to go with their bs comments but it might really help you and you are mourning right now! Your baby means something and if you want the world to know then you should share. It also gives you a "valid" reason to be sad or somber this holiday season and not have to make excuses (like I had to this last time).
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  #9  
November 27th, 2013, 05:33 AM
.:Shortcake:.'s Avatar ♬♪Music Soothes my Soul♪♬
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Location: Pennsylvania
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After my first loss I had so many people who I was close to, friends, family members, coworkers that had been through a loss. They told me about it and said that they knew what I was going through. Before having a loss I never knew they had all been through that. It's like it's a taboo subject and you don't talk about it.. One thing that has helped me is I make it my mission to openly talk about my losses. I want to help other understand it is more common than people think. That it doesn't have to be something you handle/grieve by yourself. I talk about my losses and keep my babies memories alive. I know that some people grieve differently and some people like to handle it in private. But I want people to know that you can talk about it. I want them to know that we have support groups (online and IRL). And I want to help them through the worst times in their life. So it really is personal preference.
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  #10  
November 27th, 2013, 06:51 AM
Just keep breathing.
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With each of my three losses, I shared with some people- sometimes different ones each time- what I had experienced. My parents and 2 best friends knew about each of them. A few people said insensitive, unhelpful things. A few were very kind, and shared support. I completely agree that miscarriage shouldn't have such a stigma. I did find it kind of helpful and therapeutic when I was talking/working with people who did NOT know- it gave me the chance to be "normal" and when I was struggling so much, that helped to have some kind of anchor to all that was good in my life (my job, relationships, etc)

That said, I would NOT personally share on facebook. But then I'm old and don't really view FB as a medium for really personal things. I would either tell people in person or maybe over the phone. I felt it wouldn't honor my grief or my baby to reduce it to 140 characters and emoticons. (I know the 140 is Twitter's limit, not FB. Still.)
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  #11  
November 27th, 2013, 09:02 AM
rabbitranch's Avatar est. 2000
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I did wind up sharing it late last night. I pretty much only have IRL friends on facebook and I'm really glad I did it. Thank you everyone for your very thoughtful input!
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  #12  
November 27th, 2013, 09:51 PM
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I am happy to hear that you went with your heart and that you are glad you did! I hope it gave you a little bit of comfort getting it off of your chest and I hope everyone is being very supportive in all the best ways for you!
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