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Is it normal to hate the world??


Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

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  #1  
May 19th, 2005, 09:03 AM
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OK Im kinda spilling my guts here.Not having a good day.I just went to the mall and of course saw a bunch of women with there children.Is it normal to question why they have them and I dont?I feel like i let everyone down all the time.I feel like I am not good enough to have children and i dont understand why.Ive never done anything wrong.I see some of these people with babies and I dont get it.I would have rather never have to been pregnant than to be pregnant twice and have them taken away.I feel as though it is the biggest tease and the biggest let down.Is it normal to feel as though i did somethng wrong?Im just very angry at everyone and wish it would go away and i could except this.Im trying to keep my faith but it very hard when ive already had a horrible life for the past 10 years and i moved on and i deserve so much more.When will my time come?
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  #2  
May 19th, 2005, 09:07 AM
tryingagain's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am so glad someone has posted this. I feel the same exact way. I have a close friend who knows about my struggles with Panic Attacks, hypothryoid disease and the miscarriages, she just had a baby in March.

I have had two miscarriages that I know of sept 04 and Jan 05.

She has no thought when she says stuff to me. I just want to punch her.

That felt good.
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  #3  
May 19th, 2005, 09:28 AM
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I've been there i have had 3 miscarriages and yes how you feel is normal - the feeling of failure and hopelessness is terrible.
I have had lots of tests and they have no idea why i can't carry past 12 weeks. I am now 8 weeks pregnant and scared stiff - i'm trying to be positive but boy is it hard.
I think the thing is you've got to just go with your feelings if you bottle them up then they'll just get worse. A normal part of grieving is anger.
I hope you feel the strength to try again - it is hard but hang in there it does get better.
I thank the lord i have my 2 beautiful children and am grateful for the strength i had to be able to carry on when all i felt like doing was giving up. You can do this - be strong but allow yourself time to grieve.
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  #4  
May 19th, 2005, 10:11 AM
FerrariAngel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I totally feel that way. I was trying to explain how I felt to my dh and basically said "I don't want to see children...I recoil at the sight of them and I don't know why" part of me is even starting to think I can't do this...I don't want them ...this is too hard. It hurts too much...and really trying to be positive and peppy and chirppy is really not feeling me right now.

Apparently my dh had an hour and a half convo with a friend of ours about me....people are worried b/c I've done the "withdraw from everyone" thing and some people are taking it personally and part of me is like "give me a freaking break...this isn't about you!!!" Such egos....ugh.

I could keep goin' but I better run....I'll ttyl. Thanks for posting this...I hate the world too....and it makes me start to hate myself...how dreadful.

Love
Farah
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  #5  
May 19th, 2005, 10:29 AM
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I debated posting on here...but I want to tell you I can relate to how you're feeling although I am not in the same shoes as you, I'm still in a very difficult situation and I'll explain....

My baby has been in the NICU for now 38 days....she had a major abdominal defect when she was born and had to have surgery immediately when born. She has to have another surgery next week and I still don't know when my baby will come home. No one knows why this defect is caused in babies...it's just one of those rare things that happens..... I wonder why it happened to us...I get upset that other people are able to go have their healthy babies and take them home in two days and we struggle here more than a month later and still my baby is not home. I wonder why there are mothers out there who treat their bodies like crap and get pregnant and smoke and drink while they are pregnant and still go on to have healthy babies and I tried everything in my power to be so healthy and do the best I can do for my baby while I was pregnant....and this happens.....for "no reason"....... Every day is a struggle, some days are better than others but my baby is sick and I don't know when she will be better. Sometimes I feel like giving up, sometimes I feel like I just want to stay at home and sleep until I can wake up and have someone tell me she is coming home to me. It is soooo hard sometimes, a lot of times.....

My sister had a baby in January and I babysit for her sometimes and I can't help but sometimes feel resentment, that he is here and my baby is not yet. I know it is nothing I have done because I would never put my child in harms way, so maybe you can try to think of it that way. It is not your fault. Again, I am not in your shoes so I don't ever know what it feels like to be where you are and I truely, truely feel for you all. I wish I could say something that helps but I know there is nothing. Just know that there are other people out there hurting too and I hope you all find a way to come to terms at some point....Keep trying, try to be positive....look at your alternatives...I wish you all the best.
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  #6  
May 19th, 2005, 10:36 AM
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My goodness..she is so beautiful
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  #7  
May 19th, 2005, 11:01 AM
tryingagain's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally posted by Melissa_A@May 19 2005, 01:29 PM
I debated posting on here...but I want to tell you I can relate to how you're feeling although I am not in the same shoes as you, I'm still in a very difficult situation and I'll explain....

My baby has been in the NICU for now 38 days....she had a major abdominal defect when she was born and had to have surgery immediately when born. She has to have another surgery next week and I still don't know when my baby will come home. No one knows why this defect is caused in babies...it's just one of those rare things that happens..... I wonder why it happened to us...I get upset that other people are able to go have their healthy babies and take them home in two days and we struggle here more than a month later and still my baby is not home. I wonder why there are mothers out there who treat their bodies like crap and get pregnant and smoke and drink while they are pregnant and still go on to have healthy babies and I tried everything in my power to be so healthy and do the best I can do for my baby while I was pregnant....and this happens.....for "no reason".......* Every day is a struggle, some days are better than others but my baby is sick and I don't know when she will be better.* Sometimes I feel like giving up, sometimes I feel like I just want to stay at home and sleep until I can wake up and have someone tell me she is coming home to me.* It is soooo hard sometimes, a lot of times.....

My sister had a baby in January and I babysit for her sometimes and I can't help but sometimes feel resentment, that he is here and my baby is not yet.* I know it is nothing I have done because I would never put my child in harms way, so maybe you can try to think of it that way.* It is not your fault.* Again, I am not in your shoes so I don't ever know what it feels like to be where you are and I truely, truely feel for you all.* I wish I could say something that helps but I know there is nothing. Just know that there are other people out there hurting too and I hope you all find a way to come to terms at some point....Keep trying, try to be positive....look at your alternatives...I wish you all the best.
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Melissa, I have been following your story from the April or May board. You are under so much stress right now and your hormones are off. Thank god we have the techonology that we do. I am positive that your beautiful baby girl will be ready to come home with you soon. I'll keep you and your baby in my prayers.

PS. I am glad you posted.
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  #8  
May 19th, 2005, 11:33 AM
kimberellie's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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This is a very hard thing to go through. I know with time it does get better, but it still is very emotional. I will answer your question by saying YES it is normal to hate the world at this terrible time. It is just feeling we have. We think everyone has better lives etc. , that will also go away...believe me it will. I felt the same way you did for a while and then something clicked inside me, and I said to myself, snap out of it. I decided not to think about it at all. I was putting my health in danger. I was moping around, I was tired, emotional and my blood pressure was so high it wasn't even funny. I was scared to see that #, so I am living my life for ME. I willl get pregnant again...I know it.
I am sure your time will come very soon.....
Good Luck and Lots of Love....
Kim
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  #9  
May 19th, 2005, 12:49 PM
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I know exactly what you are feeling......"hating the world" is a natural feeling, it is sort of a defense mechanism.......it's easier to put up a barrier and shut people and the world out than to be open to more pain and hurt.

After my m/c, family and friends would call and I would be down and they would say "what's wrong?" WHAT'S WRONG?!!!! YOU FREAKING IDIOT!! I JUST LOST MY BABY, I JUST LOST MY WORLD!! I never said that to them.......but, boy did I want to!! People that have not been through it, just don't get it......they never will.

So, instead of opening myself up to hear hurtful things from people that don't know any better, I too tend to isolate myself. I just want to feel miserable alone without someone judging me. I don't need to hear someone say.....you need to move on, get over it. I will move on when I am good and ready and not one minute before!

Everytime I see a baby, my insides ache........I want so much to hold my own baby....my God, this is all I want in life.

I have had my share of heartache.......my son was born in 1989 with multiple disabilities, he had a trach in his throat for 10 years, he had a tube in his stomach for feeding....he was very involved medically. He passed away in 2002.......it has been devastating for me.......now, I woke up pregnant in Feb. only to have a m/c!!? I feel like you.......when is it going to be my turn to have some true happiness, without heartbreak? When is this bad stuff gonna end?

I see all of these women out there with their babies, mind you, some of them taking their babies for granted.....and I think "why can't I have that?"....I deserve good stuff.....I'm entiltled....just as you are.

We just need to believe and it will happen. That's what I keep hearing, so I'm trying to believe and have some faith.

It feels good to vent.
Take good care of yourself.....
Steph (((((hugs))))))
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  #10  
May 19th, 2005, 02:31 PM
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I feel the same way girls.

After one m/c you still have hope. "Maybe its just one of those flukes" or "Not enough chromosomes".. But after 2 m/c's you lose hope and give up. I feel like giving up, and I can't stand to be around pregnant women or hear about their new born babies.

I know how you feel.
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  #11  
May 19th, 2005, 03:21 PM
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{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}} to all of you!



I hope & Pray that each of you are able to make your dreams of having a baby come true very soon!



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  #12  
May 19th, 2005, 07:31 PM
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Thank you all for making me feel normal
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  #13  
May 20th, 2005, 04:49 AM
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Your feelings are very normal. I have been thru the same thing. I m/c on March 18 at 12 weeks. I had wanted a child for so long (it had taken us 2 years TTC). Then BAM, the baby was gone. One of my good friends and I found out we were pg at the same time, she is/was 2 wks ahead of me (I was one of those freaks that knew right away that I was pg, I had to wait for my AF to arrive to take a test). When I went back to work, I had a very hard time talking to her and finally decided to send her an email with my feelings. It helped both of us. I am able to talk with her now and talk about her baby. It takes time.

About a week after I m/c, I found out I had to have a breast biopsy. The thought of having breast cancer along with losing our baby and maybe never ever having the chance to have another baby (b/c of the cancer thought) was just about too much for me. Luckily, there is no breast cancer and we can TTC anytime now.

I will say one other thing. The day after I m/c, I had to get out of the house. I went uptown (I live in a small town) to a restaurant where my cousin was having a bday get together. I looked like hell...no makeup, my eyes were so red from crying so much. My SIL was there with her husband (my husbands brother). I am not a big fan of my SIL, but because we are family now, I try. She sat down next to me and told me she was sorry that we had lost the baby, then proceeded to give me a 15 minute lecture as to how wonderful it was to be a mother!!!! I wanted to punch her in the face!!! HELLO!!! WE JUST LOST OUR CHILD!!! I don't want to hear how wonderful it is being a mother right now.

Enough of me being long winded, but it helps to get it out. All of our feelings are normal, good or bad. We are entitled to them. And anyone who has never had a m/c will not understand. Lets keep our chins up!!! We will all be mothers one day, God just wants us to wait a little while longer.

Amy
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  #14  
May 20th, 2005, 05:05 AM
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One more thing...After our m/c, my OB sent us a sympathy card. In the card she had included a poem about m/c. I thought I would share it with you all since it captured my feelings afterwards.

JUST THOSE FEW WEEKS
A Poem on Miscarriage

For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
to be changed so profoundly

In those few weeks-
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You cam to trust me with your life.

Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks-
And no 'normal' person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks, my Little One.
You darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
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  #15  
May 20th, 2005, 03:21 PM
FerrariAngel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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ok Amy, that made me cry. I think it must be how a lot of women feel when they go through this. I think what touches me the most is that your OB/GYN sent you this card!!! HOW freaking sweet!!!! We'll get through this. I'm hormonal right now so maybe AF is showing.

We'll see
Talk to you later
Farah
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  #16  
May 23rd, 2005, 12:39 PM
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I just had to say thanks for posting about "hating the world". I'm glad Im not the only one right now...I was feeling so guilty about being so angry, but I guess its normal.
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  #17  
May 23rd, 2005, 12:45 PM
tryingagain's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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what really pisses me off is that no one recognizes me as a mother. I lost 2 babies and no one sees that.


Sorry needed to vent.
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