[baby4me?]

Ok, as I have shared on this board I am currently on Spring Break. Sometimes when I have too much time on my hand I think a lot about baby stuff and get really sad. I have beed doing good though this time. I have had lots of projects and kept busy. I have gone shopping, cleaned my house and my car, laundry, cooking... So yesterday I am off to get my hair highlighted and cut. A new hairstyle always makes me feel good. And wouldn't you know it, the lady who cuts my hair announced to me she is 5 months pregnant. I was completely shocked. She is 6 years older than me (35) and has a biological child and a step-child... and not that she is too old to have kids but for some reason I just never pictured her wanting any more children. She is super nice but it just completely threw me off that she was pregnant. I am not close enough to her for her to know I have had 2 miscarriages. And of course I just happened to be there for 2 hours so we had lots of time to talk about her pregnancy and babies!!

So right now I can't help but think is everyone pregnant except for me??? What is wrong with me that I have had 2 miscarriages in a row. I have been a little scared lately thinking about it. I have never had a child. What if I can never experience the joy of having a child?? URGHHH....

Oh yeah, here's another story... my counselor wanted me to try group counseling. So I went one Sunday. The ladies shared why they were in counseling. Most were because they were having some marital issues. When it was my turn to share i blubbered about how I have had 2 m/c and my counselor asked if anyone else has had any similar experiences. One lady out of the 6 had a m/c but she never knew she was pregnant and so she said she didn't really feel the loss. All of the women in the group had children. So I already felt like the childless bitter woman of the group. Then one woman starts talking about how when she had her children, you didn't find out so early that you were pregnant so if you had a m/c you probably wouldn't even know. Another woman said, i didn't even know I was pregnant until I was 5 months. I hate it when people say this because it makes me feel like I don't have a right to be sad since my losses were so early. If I hadn't taken and early pregnancy test i would not have known I was pregnant. Of course the fact that i was in the ER for passing giant clots would not have lead to me finding out i was pregnant anyway... whatever!! Needless to say I did not go back to that group!!

Sorry I just had to vent. Thanks

[Brittanie]

I wouldn't have gone back to that group either. I'm not a huge fan of group therapy, actually. When I was in counseling (for other stuff, before marriage or kids were ever in the picture), I went a grand total of once. It felt like a competition of "yeah, well my life is worse than yours..." I didn't need that. I think the forums here on JM are the closest to group counseling I will ever get.

How do you not know you're pregnant until you're 5 months????? Honestly, that boggles my mind. Of course, with Cora I started throwing up around the time I got my bfp and the last time I did was 3 days before she was born, so...it's kind of obvious.

You have EVERY RIGHT to grieve your babies!! Who cares if other's aren't as aware of themselves that they didn't know that they were pregnant as early? You wanted a baby so badly, and still do, so OF COURSE it hurts. It doesn't make you abnormal or crazy. In a way I think it makes you more human. It doesn't matter when you lost your baby, you started dreaming about that little from the moment you knew it was there and you had all those hopes and dreams torn away from you and shattered. That hurts! Whether it was 8 weeks, or 38.

When you lose a baby pg women seem to pop out of the walls don't they? Even now, I have a hard time with excited pregnant women, probably because I just can't be excited anymore. I'm more afraid than anything. I, too, am afraid that I'll never have a child. I don't think I'll even believe it after I get her home. I'll keep expecting her mother to show up and pick her up, I think.

Your feelings are valid. I think every person who experiences pregnancy loss (ESPECIALLY if they have no other children!) feels at one point or another like they've failed, like they're broken, and like it'll never happen for them. I think that can only be compounded when it happens more than once. And I don't think that feeling will change until you have an experience that directly contradicts the experiences you've already had (ie: taking a squirming, screaming baby home). And you WILL. I just know it.

ditto to everything Brittanie said, i dont think there's anything else i could add. i am so sorry your having a hard time right now and i really hope it turns around for you soon. ((((HUGS))))

[baby4me?]

Awwww... Brittanie, you are just too sweet. Thank you so much for reading my rant (it was pretty long) and for the nice things you said! I really hope I get a sticky bean and I think you are right... my feelings won't change until I bring a baby home.

It does suck that pregnancy is something scary now and not as enjoyable if you haven't experienced a loss. I hope everything is going ok for you. I can't imagine what you are going through... For me, I never made it to 6 weeks, so I think I will feel better once I get to see the heartbeat... but maybe not??

wow hugs hun your going through so much at once it seems.... i know how you may feel.. i want you to know i ma not a fan of group therapy specifically for that reason, one on one is always best in my book! things may be hard forawhile thing slike this (hear your stylist is pg) have a tendacy to drag up our own old wounds... if you need to vent , vent away if you need a sholder know we are here for you and if you need to cry we will cry right along with you...its what we do... much love and hugs to you this morning hun

[linbein]

I would definitely feel uncomfortable in that group. I have had one successful completely uncomplicated pregnancy, then now the miscarriage, so I have seen both sides now. And I too, feel like you...except I am worry "what if I can never have another baby?" That fear is now implanted, and I think it's the same for every woman that has had a miscarriage, or multiple miscarriages.
I think that you should check with your local hospital. When I had my D&C I was told of a support group ran by an RN at the hospital just for pregnancy loss. If you could find a group like that, I think you would feel much better, and know that you are not alone. Just look at our past few month's DDC's....September and October lost so many due to m/c...made me realize just how common it is these days. It has me scared, cause it seems more common than having a successful pregnancy.
And a loss is a loss, no matter how far along you were. I suffered a blighted ovum, now there are some sites that will explain this by saying that there never was a baby. I'm sorry, you can't tell me there was no baby. I still feel the loss, as does any woman who sees a positive pregnancy test. From that moment on, you are pregnant. Don't let anyone try to belittle your loss for it being early. That's just cold of anyone to do.
I know it's hard for people who haven't been through it to understand the feelings a woman goes through.
Try the hospital. I bet they have a great support group. I thought about calling the one at my hospital, but so far, I think I'm doing okay. DH has been great support, and my best friend has been a wonderful ear to talk to as well. I think that's all I have needed lately is just to talk about it all...and I love those two for putting up with me.

[Brittanie]

It does suck that pregnancy is something scary now and not as enjoyable if you haven't experienced a loss. I hope everything is going ok for you. I can't imagine what you are going through... For me, I never made it to 6 weeks, so I think I will feel better once I get to see the heartbeat... but maybe not??[/b]

I think you will. Talking to other women who have miscarried, and then been pregnant after, I have always heard they felt better when they got past their loss points. Not completely, since they know it's still not over, but they did feel better.

I honestly wasn't really worried that much in my first trimester, especially when we saw the heartbeat. But now that I'm approaching my own loss point...that's when it gets scary. My mother lost her first when she was 21 weeks (she also had other miscarriages, but always in the first trimester). She has stressed about both my pregnancies until that point. She's now anxiously waiting for my sister to get past that point. So it's interesting how your perceptions can even affect how you view other people's pregnancies. Always, when we get past 21 weeks, my mother sort of "stops worrying." ((which has been good and bad for me. I need the positivity, but she sometimes "forgets" that I have right to be worried still))


Anyway, what I'm trying to say, is that getting past the loss point seems to be a "safe point." When you see the heartbeat on the u/s screen and you see your little baby waving its arms and legs around, I'm sure you'll feel better. It won't ever go away, but I'm sure you'll feel better.