What have people said to you about pregnancy loss...

baby4me? · #1 March 28th, 2007, 05:54 AM

Hi ladies,

Just wondering what other people say to you about pregnancy loss that drives you absolutely nuts??

For me, since my losses were so early... I hate hearing that because of early pregnancy tests that women find out so much earlier that they are pregnant than in the past. And if it wasn't for these tests they would have miscarried and never knew it. I hate hate hate it! Both my losses occurred before 6 weeks so it makes me feel like I should never have known I was pregnant and shouldn't feel loss. I recently had one lady tell me she didn't know she was pregnant until she was 5 months.

Of course, I would have known considering I had symptoms, plus when I m/c I went to the ER because I was passing giant clots for several hours.

So what's yours???

Mum2three · #2 March 28th, 2007, 06:03 AM

for me its when ppl say im so sorry, n i wish i could take all the pain away. it drives me nuts. no one really knows what its like till it happens to them. or my favorite, i know what ur going through!! u don't..

Mom 2 Avery · #3 March 28th, 2007, 06:27 AM

I hate "what was wrong with "it". I lost my perfect child at 22 weeks.
She was wayyyy past being an "it"!!!

Whew!
I feel better!
D

#4 March 28th, 2007, 06:58 AM

i have a few...

well at least you already have two kids~ well, dh doesn't have any and even if he did we tried for this baby for 4 1/2 years. i wanted this baby and just because i already have two doesn't mean i wanted this baby any less. i love my kids but i loved this baby too.

at least you know you can get pregnant, you can have another one~ how the he!! do you know that? what if i can't have another one? once again it took me 4 1/2 years to get pregnant with this one and it's already been a year since. clomid didn't even work for me so no, maybe i can't get pregnant again. plus a baby isn't a disposable item that you can replace. i loved THIS baby, i wanted THIS baby and having another one isn't going to replace the one i lost.

it was probably for the best~ uh, the best for who? certainly not me! i still think about my baby every day and a year later it STILL hasn't gotten any easier. i still cry and i'm still just as sad and angry as i was when it happened.

if God wants you to have a baby he will give you one~ now that one hurts the most. what exactly is the reason he doesn't want me to have one? i'm a good mom, i love my kids and i want a baby more than anything in the world. so can someone please tell me why God would choose to let a drug addict, **** who has a VD get pregnant and he thinks i'm not good enough to have a baby. i hate that statement, what we go through has nothing to do with what is fair or who actually deserves to have a baby. if it did than we wouldn't have lost our babies and there would be no such thing as child abuse, abortions or women killing their babies.

i'm sure there's a few more but i can't really think what they are right now.

sorry, i guess i really needed to vent today. it's been one of those days, weeks and months

linbein · #5 March 28th, 2007, 07:23 AM

some of the things already mentioned are what get me as well. I hate it when someone says "You'll have another baby." Uh...yeah okay...that helped.

"You're young, you have plenty of time." maybe so...but I wanted to have this baby..
"Miscarriage is so common" ok, so it is, but how does that help me get through this?

tparum · #6 March 28th, 2007, 09:32 AM

theres that
Youre still young you can have more.

and just be patent maybe u wasnt supposed to have this one.

come on i had mine 20 wks. to 27 wks.

Brittanie · #7 March 28th, 2007, 10:29 AM

Well, the MOST terrible thing was that since she didn't breathe she didn't have a soul. Some guy in Walmart overheard me talking to another customer about it and after she left came up and told me that. Like, it was an important "religious truth" that I NEEDED to know. ((I don't for one second believe it)). Even if it WERE true, WHY would you tell a grieving parent that? I mean honestly? That's just hateful.

"At least you didn't lose her when she was 2 and you had all those memories." I think that's a variation of the "you were only pregnant for 8 weeks" one. Like, if you don't have them as long you don't love them as much. So, if someone lost a 2 year old, would it be a comfort they didn't die when they were 10? I mean, COME ON PEOPLE!! I didn't get those memories!

And I got the "you're young" and "you can have another one" and all of that jazz. "Just get pregnant and you'll feel better." Uh-huh, thanks. I have to throw up for another 9 months again, with no guarantee I'll get a baby out of it this time. At least last time I just assumed I would so I could be excited in spite of being sick.

Quote:

if God wants you to have a baby he will give you one~ now that one hurts the most. what exactly is the reason he doesn't want me to have one? i'm a good mom, i love my kids and i want a baby more than anything in the world. so can someone please tell me why God would choose to let a drug addict, **** who has a VD get pregnant and he thinks i'm not good enough to have a baby. i hate that statement, what we go through has nothing to do with what is fair or who actually deserves to have a baby. if it did than we wouldn't have lost our babies and there would be no such thing as child abuse, abortions or women killing their babies.[/b]

I totally agree. "It was God's plan" or "maybe it was meant to be this way." I already felt guilty enough that I couldn't do something that seems so easy for other women (ie protect their growing baby long enough for it to be born), add in to it that she's gone because God didn't want me to have her. Geee, thanks. If I'm not good enough to have her, then what makes me good enough to have the one I'm carrying now? Am I going to lose her too? Ugh.

chen75 · #8 March 30th, 2007, 10:16 AM

I hated it when people kept saying....."THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON". That drove me and actually still drive me nuts!!! I had lost my pregnancy at 7-8 weeks, and everybody just kept saying that. Grrrr!!! or "MAYBE IT WASN'T THE RIGHT TIME...DON'T WORRY, IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT". aRRRRGgghhh!!!

viXen · #9 March 30th, 2007, 11:18 AM

I was in the ER miscarrying, and one of the nurses asked me if I had any other children. I told her yes, and she asked how old. I told her 11 months and she said
"awww so you already have a baby at home, this wont be so bad"

***?? Just because I have an 11 month old, that means it makes losing my baby easier, or not such a big deal?

GRR

#10 March 30th, 2007, 12:03 PM

The I am sorry killed me because they didnt have anything to do with it so I dont think they should have said I am sorry.

Also I kept hearing it happened for a reason or there had to be a reason why you didnt keep the baby.

You have one child so be blessed with her and dont worry about the loss.

It will be ok, you were only 6 wks along.

Brittanie · #11 March 30th, 2007, 12:08 PM

"Everything is going well, this time though, right? So it should be okay."

Um, everything was perfect at this point with my first one too. No, it's not okay. Pregnancy will never be "safe" for me ever again.

TanyaM · #12 March 30th, 2007, 12:22 PM

I soooo agree with you Brittanie!

tamaranwes · #13 March 30th, 2007, 03:19 PM

I could probably write a book on bad comments. I dont think anyone IRL helped me. Here's a few....
----It wasnt meant to be

----you have 2 kids already, you should just be thankful for them

----Maybe there's something wrong with you, you could take medicine for that

----Maybe you all are not healthy enough

----statistics from the dr, most women suffer from at least 1 mc (that may be, doesnt make it any easier )

----Maybe they're just not healthy enough so God takes them. This one isnt so bad but I really have a problem with it because if He has the power to do all these miraculous things, why cant he take care of my babies and let me bring one home? I know I'm a really good hearted person so what lesson am I supposed to learn?

----you're making it too hard, just relax and it'll happen (duh, carrying them seems to be the problem, not getting pregnant)

and the really lovely ones...

----Dont you have 3 kids, I thought you were pregnant a while back (that always sucks to have to explain and its happened 3 times)

----Maybe you and DH cant have kids together (ya think this hasnt worried to me already?)

----Why do you keep letting yourself get pregnant when you keep loosing them, that's like letting them die on purpose. (I dont think I should comment on this one)

Then theres always people asking if your pregnant yet!

chantellnp · #14 March 30th, 2007, 08:55 PM

The worst ones I heard was 'you will get over it soon' and 'it was probably' deformed. Next was 'at least it was early'. I didnt feel like 12wks 5days was early and it would have been any better if I was 4 wks

#15 March 30th, 2007, 09:02 PM

i think the worse thing for me was when ymy mom said well it wasnt like it was a baby, when i told her i m/c

#16 March 30th, 2007, 09:13 PM

Quote:

i think the worse thing for me was when ymy mom said well it wasnt like it was a baby, when i told her i m/c[/b]

I heard the same thing, but it was from my Dh. Killed me inside how he didnt think it was a baby. Yes I was only a little over 6 wks but it HAD A HEARTBEAT!