[MammaNole]

For the last four days I had the tissue from the miscarriage, it was the actual gestational sac. It was no big deal, I was just going to give it to the nurse to have it tested so I could have another baby one day if that's what's meant to be........I walked in the office and a nurse walked up to get the "specimen" and while I handed it to her I lost it, I broke down crying for some stupid reason and I said "omg I am so sorry, I know this is stupid for me to cry giving you this....I have to go" So I left and I cried and cried and cried for a few hours. It just became reality. I know it was a blob but it was my blob and just knowing what it was broke my heart. It was so devasating handing someone strange what could have been my child one day to just take it to do tests on. I would have rather burried it in my yard. I think something is wrong with me because I want it back. I don't want it washed down the drain or flushed I want it to be with me in my back yard....it was a part of me and it holds so many hopes and dreams. So after I left the office I was still crying and my five year old daughter was crying because she saw me crying and she has such a good heart so I briefly explained that its just sad to let something go that meant something to you, she held me so tight and I felt so blessed. I never thought I would need my five year old so much. So that was my day. My dh wasn't able to make it down this weekend. He really wanted to So this has been hard to go alone per se. I really have NO idea how mothers do it with baby's that they have held or have physically seen. My brother lost his child at seven months old due to spinal menengistis and he lost his faith in God, I can understand now and mine is minimal. My heart is broken I hope your all doing better then me today.

[proudmomof2]

I am so sorry! I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same thing after my 4th m/c in march. I was 10 1/2 weeks. I saw and heard the heartbeat, that was a life! I couldn't bare the fact that it was going to be thrown away like yesterday's garbage. It will get easier!

[*Bobbie*]

I am so sorry

Please son't beat yourself up over this Your loss is a loss. It may help if you give yourself permission to grieve. It doesn't matter if your baby was growing in you for one day or 40 weeks. It was your baby and your hopes and dreams for that child. Yes losing a baby later on may be harder to handle, but grief and heartache is just that. How do you measure that? Why would we even want to try?

I REALLY believe things happen for a reason. I believe deep in my heart you were meant to give your baby up to someone for answers.

Here is my story:
My heart broke when I flushed my baby down the toilet without knowing it. I was 14 weeks when I m/c.

My baby died at 11 weeks. I got to see "her" little heart beating away while she moved all over just a week before that dreaded u/s that showed my baby who was gone from this world. I had rented a home doppler and on Feb.15 I could no longer find the hb. After three days I called my doctor and they scheduled an u/s. I waited three weeks for my body to let go of the baby. I kept thinking at least I can say goodbye, see her, and bury her. It was THE ONLY thing I had to look forward to. It gave me reason to wake up every morning thinking maybe that would be the day I could say goodbye. I bought a glass jar to put her in, had her spot all picked out...all plans were set and I felt really good about the whole thing. Well March 7th at 6:30am my water broke. I went to the bathroom to clean up and without knowing it....flushed my sweet baby. I didn't know it at the time, but five days later I was worried when the bleeding was stopping and I never saw the baby or the placenta. I called my DR. They did an u/s that showed some tissue still attached. My cervix was still open and I was risking serious infection at that point. I gave in and had a D&C. I could have saved myself the weeks I had to carry a dead baby in my womb. I could have saved myself the pain of the contractions...the blood loss...the sleepless nights waiting for it to finally happen.

I believe strongly that I just wasn't meant to see her. She was meant to live in my memories of a very happy easy pregnancy. She never made me sick, she grew enough that I could know I was pregnant without gaining a pound... I actually lost 5 by 14 weeks but was in maternity clothes. I am not sure what I would have seen if I knew to look at that point.

I really hope something good will come from you giving your baby over to the doctor's office. Things happen for a reason. We just don't always know what they are until later. I was mad as HELL when I figured out what I did. It took weeks for me to come to terms with what happened and why.


Please be kind to yourself and believe things happen for a reason. You may want to join us on the Pregnancy Loss board sometime. The ladies there are as great as the ladies here but we tend to focus more on the emotions that come with a loss.

Lots of hugs to you.... I am sorry you had to go through this. I would never wish this on anyone.

[lynie07]

l am so sorry you had to go through this.
l lost our baby boy at 14 weeks,it doesn't matter how early you are because
the minute you know you are pg the bond is there.
when l left the hospital l waited out side the doors while Gary got the car,
and while l was waiting a lady and her partner was carring out there new born
baby it was really hard as they got to take there 's home and we had to leave
ours behind,when l got in the car l just cried and cried till we got home which
was 1 and half hour drive.

[greenchild]

I can't even imagine what you are going thru!!!!! I never even got to see mine; I only ever got to see the pictures/video of my tubes being removed. They didn't even give me a choice of bringing them home. I am still searching for the "right" garden statue for them.

[jennandbaby]

I am so so sorry you are going through this. At any stage of the pregnancy, it is your baby. Once you get that positive hpt, you are already bonded. I have been where you are. When I was picking up Caiden's ashes, I lost it when the funeral director handed me his urn. I cried the entire time as he walked me to the door. I am sure he is used to it by now but I still feel bad 'cause I know I probably didn't say goodbye, etc. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of your child. Lean on your child and DH. Cry, hell, scream! I hope time heals you.

Hugs.

[BabyBird]

I don't know if this is the case where you live but here in Indiana, they take any "product of conception" as they call it that is less than 20 weeks and cremate it and they all get buried together twice a year. They are very respectful of them because they were life. We will be sent an invitation to the ceremony when ours will be buried. I don't think I will go but just knowing that it will be with other babies made me feel better. I would call your drs office and ask what happens to it after they are finished with it, it may not be what you think.

[the scotts]

[MammaNole]

You girls made me feel so much better. I really felt stupid because no one told me this might happen. I am so sorry for your losses as well but your hurt helped me with mine. Love you all bunches....BIG KISSES!