[Mama2Miracles]

Hi ladies -

I just posted this on the Trying to Conceive via Medical Assistance thread but maybe it's better suited here since you all know how much stress and worry a loss puts you through (especially when you're trying again).

I'm feeling really depressed the last day or so. I’m almost 6dp5dt (will be at 2:30 eastern time) and I took a HPT this morning (at 5.5dp5dt) that was a BFN. Now I know that it is very very early and that this was an FET (which I’ve heard tend to implant a little bit later), but I’m just really scared that this time might not have worked for me. I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard this particular time but it is. I could barely see to drive on the way to work this morning I was sobbing so hard in the car and I realized I didn’t even know why I was crying really. It’s just all of it I guess.

Ok little bit of background. I am 26 and have premature ovarian failure. I had a fresh donor egg IVF transfer back in December and became pregnant with triplets (BFP on an HPT at 4.5dp5dt). Unfortunately that pregnancy was lost at 8.5weeks due to immune issues I was unaware of. My RE has since added blood thinners to my protocol to counteract. I did another FET back in May but it was a BFN. I was disappointed but I was ok. Then we did this FET on June 26th. The embryologist couldn’t stop raving about how good one of the two embies was. She said it was like it had never been frozen. I swear I’ve had symptoms even though I’ve tried not to think about them (nausea, sore boobs, very tired, cramping and twinges) because I don’t want to get my hopes up. Then I take a test this morning and get the BFN and I was just crushed, even though I knew it was still early.

I guess I’m just scared that if this doesn’t work we have to start over with finding another donor, taking out another loan, etc. It’s all just really starting to weigh on me. I’ve been trying to keep a positive attitude, I know that I will get my baby one day but it’s getting sooo hard. I’m just so ready to be a Mom and the really bad part is I know that even if I am pregnant right now I’m not going to get to really enjoy my pregnancy the way I always dreamed. I’m going to be paranoid and scared until I finally have my baby safely in my arms. I just don’t really know what to do with myself right now.

Part of me thinks that I need to keep going until I do get pregnant again (which I hopefully already am) so that I will know once and for all if the addition of the blood thinners will let me carry my own baby. Then there’s this other HUGE part that is scared to death to have another miscarriage (especially one that maybe late term). And of course there’s the practical side that keeps thinking of all the money that I could be putting into trying to make my body work when it’s just not going to. That part of me thinks maybe I should go ahead and consider surrogacy instead of chasing after the perfect pregnancy dream that in all reality is never going to happen because I’m going to be so scared. Of course, the little piece of my heart is still winning out. What if I can get and stay pregnant with these meds? What if I can experience my baby growing inside me? I know in the end it won’t matter because I will love him/her no matter what but I don’t want to ever look at my baby and think “What if?” you know? I guess I’m just in a weird mood. I just don’t want to deal with the delays of finding a donor, lining up our cycles, taking out yet another loan, etc. I just want to be a happy pregnant women who is counting down the days until my baby makes its appearance. But what women facing IF doesn’t feel like that? I guess I’m just having one of those “oh poor me” days. I know I need to keep going it just helps to get it all out. Thanks for being here to read this to those of you who made it through the ramblings!!

Sarah