[greenchild]

I haven't been posting here as much, mainly posting about the technical side of things in TTCMA now that we have to go with IVF. But I think sometimes you guys understand better what wanting a baby is like since we've all had a loss or losses so here I come.
DH is very upset about this whole situation, especially the $$ involved in IVF, and I can't tell if he's just angry about that or if he's angry with me too for wanting to put us so deep in debt right away when we might not get anything out of it. There's just no way we can afford to purchase the option where you get so many tries and if it doesn't work you get some r all of your money back. That's over $20,000. So it's pretty much the one-shot deal or nothing. I've tried to talk to him but he's barely talking right now. He's already cancelled his shoulder surgery bc now he thinks we can't afford it and he's mad about that. Ummm . . . insurance covers that surgery . . .
So yesterday at 4:30 am he left to go up north with his dad to close up the cabin for the year and he normally calls me every few hours and always to say goodnight if either one of us has to be gone and I haven't heard anything from him. I know I could call him, but for where the location is a missed call doesn't even register and voicemail doesn't work, and both of us know that it's much easier to call out than to get a call in. But I think he needs some space so I don't want to bother him.
Then his mom calls this morning telling me all about what the guys have already got accomplished up there, and I said that's nice they called YOU. Well turns out she actually called my FIL several times just bc of some stuff that's going on with DH's sister's kids (my inlaws are fostering them right now). We started talking and I was crying (and I cried all night too) and then I find out that although I thought he and I had talked about everything about both our losses, it turns out he tells his mom MUCH more than he ever tells me, about how he never thought the losses would hurt that much but they did, and when his best friend's wife had a m/c he felt very guilty that he'd been feeling jealous they were pg and that it took us so long to get pg and then we had the losses. Why doesn't he tell me this stuff??? He spent so much time comforting me during our losses, why does he think I can't even try to comfort him???
I feel horrible for doing this, but his mom asked if I wanted her to talk to him and find out what he really wants and I said ok. Why can't he just tell me???
I was trying to be so positive and move forward since getting an answer about my tubes but now I just can't stop crying.
Thanks for listening, I had to get that out.

[Frangipani]

first off: big HUGS
second...you know I think that guys think sometimes that they just have to put on this big strong facade for us all the time and they can't let you know just how hard these things hit them. I know when I had my m/c that I would go in and just sit next to my DH, he'd look at me and I'd burst into tears. He was so supportive of me but really keeps his emotions tightly controlled. Maybe your DH is the same way. It's like they don't want to burden us any more than we already are (hence they discuss it with others and not us) when really all we want is for them to open up to us.

I'm really sorry you have this added stress! My sister is going through IUI now after going through IVF already. Her bf has been really passive aggressive about it, supportive at first but now just kind of saying snide comments here and there that really show that he really doesn't support it. It's really hard. Hard enough to have to keep going through the procedures, financially hard, and of course hard when it doesn't work or when the bean doesn't stick (she's had 2 m/cs). It is really frustrating...and I feel for you.

Let us know if you need to vent!

[Sabina]

I am sorry you are going through this. My DH didn't talk with me about the losses either until I cornered him. Then he finally told me that he hated seeing me so upset and he didn't want to add to my saddness. Sometimes men think they need to carry the world on their shoulders all by themselves. It is sad really. I really hope that you two can sit down and talk when he gets back. I hope things work out for you and I really, really hope you get your chance to do it. I know it is expensive but I have always thought it is really worth it in the end. GL!

[Mum2three]

BIG HUGS!!! i really hope that this one shot deal works out in your favor. i can see it happening. sometimes DH's can think like that until they are holding their beautiful present in the end. thats what makes this world spin around. is the love it shares. i would give him sometime. i dont think hes mad at you, but the cost of the procedure itself. he will come around when u guys are finally pregnant and he can see your belly moving, and seeing the u/s for the first time. he will come around. Good luck!

[greenchild]

Thanks guys! I don't have pity parties often, but man when they hit . . . you think you are all done crying and then it just starts all over again.
Things are much better today his mom did talk to him and she played it very cool, she asked if he'd spoken to me, and when he said no, she just said I was feeling pretty down and that he should call me and in the course of their conversation about whatever else she told him several times to call, until he finally said, I get it, allright! So he called and he is in a much better mood and he was being all sweet , and yikes, our cell phone bill is going to be huge, we talked for 45 min and I bet that will all be on "roaming". what a sweetie, mr.-we-can't-spend-any-money told me it was worth it
Anyway, then today online I find a place that will do a traditional IVF fresh cycle for $3500 (Indianapolis, IN), even cheaper than the mini-IVF place in NY we were looking at, and this place we could drive to instead of fly, and the hotels will be cheaper too. Oh boy, my head is spinning with all this info and options!

[*Bobbie*]

Anne,

I am glad he finally got the point

It sounds to me like he is just scared of not having a baby and all the stress that goes along with TTC. I think sometimes our men just don't know HOW to deal with all the TTC stress so they act like jerks.

That is a great price for IVF. I hope you have a healthy...sticky bean before the year is over.


Lots of to you girl

[LisaB]

I agree with the other girls, he probably feels like he needs to be "strong" for you because he sees that you are sad (like who wouldn't be??) The whole process is so stressful from many levels. It is an awful thing to go through and I know that not having that support at home can make you feel so alone. I'm really happy that he called and you had that great talk!

And I'm glad you found a new IVF clinic! That is great news!!!

Big hugs ~