[ShannonMVT]

So. At first I thought my MIL was going to be a decent support. I talked to her a few times right after the m/c and she sent a card. Okay, that was nice. I sent her and my mom an email awhile back to let them know about my hcg levels dropping like they should, I thought she might like to know. No reply. I did however, get the email from her sister that she put her up to writing, basically saying that I should wait 6 months to TTC again. Meddling in my business...not so good. Then Dh tells me his dad said we should get a different doctor because mine didn't know that I should be waiting and also because she is foreign. More meddling plus just stupidity. Then I sent her and my mom an email about Oct. 15 Pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. I just sent them the link to the site. My mom sent me back an email saying that she would light a candle for me since I'd be at work. No reply from my MIL. I wasn't expecting some long reply, but maybe just "I'll be thinking of you that day, hope you are doing okay."

Now my inlaws and grandparents in law are coming over for dinner next Tuesday and my MIL is staying at our house until Friday. I'm not feeling so good about this anymore. I just have this feeling like maybe she wants to forget about the baby and my pregnancy. Just kinda gloss over it and pretend it didn't happen. I hope I'm wrong.
I was kind of looking forward to her coming before, but now...what with all the lack of support and the meddling...

Oh and it's not like she hasn't emailed me...but all the emails have been about other stuff, like should she bring some tea for us to have at dinner? Do we have enough mugs? Oh, well then she'll go out and buy some mugs so we can all have tea. I DON'T GIVE A CRAP ABOUT THE STUPID TEA.

[MinDB]

maybe that's just your MIL's way of dealing with things. i don't agree with the meddling though. but i guess everyone is entitled to their own opinions. you do what YOU want. do what makes YOU happy.

[dee68]

Shannon,

sometimes people who are "older" tend to be "old school" about topics such as m/c and do not talk about it as openly as others. That could very well be the issue with you MIL....just a thought. (and you KNOW most MIL's or those older than us know everything right??? )

Maybe its not her intention to come off as cold about it, but that's just how she deals with it maybe????

I do hope the visit goes smoothly for you all !!

Dee

[priddymama]

Shannon,

I have tried for years and years to try to figure out my MIL and other folks in my family to no avail and I guess I just finally decided to just let them be how they are going to be and I only have control of myself and my own actions. Do you think maybe DH could sit down with her during her visit and explain to her how you are feeling or you could do it yourself. Not in a confrontational way, but something saying that you feel hurt that she is not recognizing what you have been through. But true like Mindy said, some people just deal with things in ways other than what we expect. Has my brother or my sister WHO IS PREGNANT called me since my miscarriage???? NO--and my mom told them like 4 weeks ago what I was going through. But like I said I've lowered my expectations about what I would like from folks in my family and even most of my friends.

For example, when we found out we were pg around 7 weeks we decided to tell my inlaws on video chat on the X-BOX and they were excited and all but then my MIL says "I can't wait to tell your sister and Maw Maw" and I said please don't tell anyone yet we just wanted to tell you guys and Travis (my dh) can tell folks later. Well she says "I don't think I can do that" and I say "well I regret telling you then if you can't respect what we want" So then she starts crying and doesnt' speak anymore during the rest of the chat with my kids sitting right there watching her act like a baby. Well, I was livid and could not believe she was sitting there pouting thinking about herself and my dumb SIL (who by the way in 12 years has never acknowledged any of our birthdays and has called my dh maybe 4 times in all these years---that's a whole other story) instead of us and the fact that we were having a baby. Later Travis called her and said "mom it really hurt us that you acted like that etc etc" and she apologized and later sent me an email. So it took me about a week but then I just let it go. My point in telling you this story is that like I said before I could tell you a zillion stories about my crazy family and so could anyone on this board or anywhere in the world, but for me hanging on to the hurt and annoyance and anger just hurts me and most folks just don't change.

Sorry if that was too long or whatever but I know where you are coming from and I sympathize. Good luck!

[ShannonMVT]

Maybe it is her way of dealing with it. When I first told her I was pregnant and that I'd probably miscarry (because my hcgs weren't doubling fast enough) she acted sort of like she expected the worst and apologized for it and said that was her way of keeping from being too disappointed. Then she was really sweet right after the miscarriage to me. But now I'm thinking, maybe it is too painful for her and she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. It was her first grandchild.
I'll probably try to slip it into the conversation somehow and let her know that it isn't something I will ever "get over" or forget about and that it really helps me to talk about it. I may even say something about the whole "your doctor isn't telling you the right thing" issue. But that's only if I can think of a way to say something without getting mad about it.

My mom was telling me everything was different "back in the day". You didn't even say the word pregnant, you were "expecting" or "P.G.". I dunno if that's the issue with my MIL though because they want to know everything that goes on with us...she was disappointed that we didn't tell them immediately when we found out I was pregnant. She's big into wanting the whole family to know everyone's business....
And yet what good has it done for me for everyone to know? Her sister emailed me but it was only to caution me about TTC. She didn't offer to be there for me if I needed to talk and basically insinuated that it was a private grief that Dh and I would have to get through. Dh also has a cousin who has had several miscarriages and we have not heard a word from her.
It's weird, because you would think they would understand.

Anyway, thanks for offering your advice and sympathy ladies. And for listening to me vent.