November 2nd, 2007, 05:55 PM
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Super Mommy
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Western Colorado
Posts: 706
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Well my week started out well as my sister had her u/s and found out she is having a little boy. Great news as I have been worried for her as we all know how delicate pg can be. However my roller coaster ride started to coast down hill again on Wed when a friend I hadn't talked to in a while called and ask how I was feeling and said you have what like 3 months to go. I said uh, no I lost the baby in Aug. She was sorry and I told her it was no big deal but of course it weighed on my heart to realize that yes I should be starting my final trimester. But the roller coaster really started to roll last night when my baby sister called and can you guess, yeah, she's pg too. Not to mention with a guy's baby she's been in and out of a relationship with for the last three years. Which I don't mean to be catty about because as long as she's happy about it, I'm happy for her but at the same time it just really seems so unfair. But the final plunge was when I told DH about this and he said it must be in the water and I said yeah for everybody but me. In so many words he said that wasn't why I wasn't pg, it was because he doesn't want another. My heart sank. He later explained that is isn't that he doesn't want to try and that he won't give me another if that's what I want, but he really doesn't want it. He feels I should be grateful for the two we already have. I told him that it had nothing to do with them and that I am grateful for them its just that they can't replace my loss. In fact neither will getting pg again, but logically thinking that is the only way I know to fill the void. I can't bring Benzon back as much as I would like to but I do know that I want to hold another child in my arms. I just wish the roller coaster would end but looking to the future now I see it continueing unless I have a baby in my womb to bring me joy and make me full again. That is what I see pulling me through my upcoming DD, and my sisters having their babies and of course I now have two to worry about and I question do I need my own pg to worry about too, but it's the only joyful thing that I can see for myself right now and that joy is what pulls me through each day. Looking ahead to TTC this month I really hope that this is my month because what greater Christmas gift than to find out I'm pg again. In fact if I do find out I am this time around I think I will tell you guys and then keep it to myself for awhile if I can. Since Dh isn't whole heartedly into it I think it might be nice to just enjoy it for me for a while before I tell him but I'm not the best at keeping secrets either. My thought was though to make it be one of his gifts but not knowing how he would feel finding out almost a month after I knew aside from the fact I think he would figure it out before then. But he also likes to tell everyone right away and I think he would again. Whether he's in it whole heartedly or not I think he would still be excited and happy to find out we were having another. But at least then it could be saved to tell our family until Christmas. Who knows just lots weighing on my mind right now and I hope that this is my month and I don't have to worry about it anymore. Here's to an August EDD and July baby via c-section. Come on Summer 2008 baby!! Send some baby dust my way girls and Bobbie some of that EWCM would be nice!!
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<div align="center"> Thank You Eleysia!</div>
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