[Belalith]

Okay, a little background here first. I got pregnant in Dec. 05 on my honeymoon. Actually from my wedding night b/c we took precaution for th rest of the trip, lol. I miscarried the second week of January with no explanation from my OBGYN. Later, in August I was dx (by my internist) with PCOS and pretty bad insulin resistance, which explained that loss. SO we got that under control and decided to go for it since DH and I both want kids and several of them, plus we are obviously fertile, right. HAHA. Well month 2 TTC we get a BFP. This one has low HCG and low progesterone. Here we go again. Only this one turned out to be ectopic, and after a rough couple of betas, my little baby was growing beautifully with doubling in 48 and everything. Except you know, the right tube location. So I got 2 rounds of methotrexate b/c that one was a fighter, and a hospital stay b/c they were scared I might have to have emergency surgery. Luckily not.

So after that very long winded background, here I am 1 and 2 years later, and I am fine. It's almost like it doesn't affect me emotionally anymore. I can maybe understand with the second pregnancy, because honestly, I just wanted it to go away, considering that it wouldn't stop growing. I remember crying to my mom in the car after she took me to the doctor, sobbing, "why won't it just DIE?!?!?". And that really bothered me and still does. I was having a really stressful time with my job then, and the absences weren't making it any better, and no one cared how much physical pain I was in, much less emotional. SO maybe I had to detach myself from that one to get on with my life.

But what really freaks me out is I am so curious about stuff that I really don't know if I should be. I am curious if they were boys or girls or one of each. I am curious what they would have looked like, sounded like, acted like. What kind of ice cream they would like. Cookies n cream, like me, or strawberry, like their daddy? It's absolutely bizarre, because I don't feel any emotion when I am thinking about these things. ANd that's where the detached part comes in. It's like a coroner documenting cause of death on another body, like you see on the crime shows. Very cold and flat. I'm just insanely curious, but unrelating at the same time. DOes this make ANY kind of sense to any of you?

Thanks for listening

I am so so sorry for your losses. I don't think you're actually detached, from reading your background, sounds like you were devastated and loved your babies. I can understand you wanting the second one to die because you knew it would never survive. I would have felt the same way.

And your love still shows when you try to think about what they would be like now, it doesn't matter how you sound when you think of them, it is the thinking of them that shows your love. I would have loved to know if ours was a boy or a girl and what they would look like and so on. That's only natural and it's perfectly ok for you to be curious.

With time, you heal and you grieve and we get to a place where we can think about our angel babies and talk about them and not get emotional. We all do that differently and at different times.

Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you get your BFP real soon and that little baby you so would love to have.

[Danica]

My doctor told me, "to properly grieve, you have to dream about what could have been." That sounds to me like what you are doing. There is no right way to do this mourn a loss. I am at the point where I don't cry about baby number 1 much anymore (lost in September 07). Still crying about this one just because I haven't actually completed my m/c yet but I even notice with me at least, you become a bit more numb once you have more than one loss. I mean, it still hurts but I can bottle up the emotions easier. HUGS

[victorialv]

I don't think there is a right way or wrong way to grieve. Everybody deals differently with loss. I can bet most ladies in here would say that their DH's/SO's dealt with the same pregnancy differently. I know mine did.

Please don't feel bad about what you said when you were that upset. It does not mean anything other than you were terribly upset and stressed about multiple things in your life.

Take care.