[HangingInThere]

Tomarrow would have been the date I would have chosen for my c-sect for my son that I lost at 16 1/2 wks back in Aug. It's hard to believe that I should be having a baby. I had so hoped that I would be pg again before this date to help ease the pain but unfortunately it hasn't happened. I'm really hoping this is my month and that I can get excited once again, but the frustration comes with getting my hopes all up every month, only to be let down again.

Why do I do this to myself? I really feel like I am sabotaging my own efforts to get pg by getting so worked up. Even when I try to relax and not think about it, I still do. Of course then there are times that I feel silly for even wanting another because I feel like all I'm doing is trying to fill a void and is this the right way to be doing it. Of course, it doesn't help that Dh is not fully on board with the whole TTC thing, but everytime I start to doubt myself and think maybe I should give up TTC is when he decides to jump on board. Hence if I don't get my hopes up, he gets them up for me.

It really doesn't help that he just doesn't understand how I feel about loosing Ben (our son). In fact the other day out of the blue he ask our dd if she thought mommy should have another baby. Not wanting to get my hopes up I tried skipping over the comment and he just didn't get it. He didn't even remember that this month was my DD month. I just don't understand how he could forget something so important. He used to be a guy that knew exactly when I needed a pick me up and would send flowers, and he never does that anymore. I could sure use them tomarrow but I know he won't remember, or for that matter even realize that the 17th would have been the day I would have chosen. Anyway now I'm rambling.

I just want to be able to move forward with my life and not feel this way anymore. It's just frustrating that the only way I feel I can, is to be pg again. Am I foolish to feel this way? I already have two beautiful children.

Thanks for reading my vent, just needed to outlet it somewhere.

[heatherrose415]

I dont think you are foolish to feel this way at all!!

I feel so similar, TTC is soooo hard, especially after a loss I think

You will NEVER get over the loss of your son, but I feel the same way, having another baby will help fill some of that void we have.

I have 2 kids to, but that doesnt make it any easier, we want a BABY!! our kids are no longer babies, and our need for a baby is just as strong as anyone elses, if not stronger because of our loss, kwim?

If i get a BFN this month i know i will be a big wreck, I really hope we both get our BFP's VERY soon!!!!!!

I would talk to your husband if i were you, my husband doesnt always remember, but if i remind him, he is right there and wants to do anything to remember our baby by. they are just put topgether differently, LOL.

((HUGS))

[*Judy*]

Oh Courtney!!!
Big Hugs for you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Just know that we are here to support you in anyway we can. Maybe you need to sit down with DH and have a heart to heart. Let him know how bad you are hurting right now. Guys can be clueless and forget that we need a little extra support. I wish I could take your pain away. I will be praying for you.

[..Jessica..]

Courtney!!!

You're definitely not foolish for feeling this way!!!

TTC is a big decision, and just seeing you at the stage to TTC, means a lot! I'm sorry to hear that Ben's c-section would have been tomorrow! I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you!!!

I hope your DH is more on board with you soon!

[*Bobbie*]

AWWW

I am sorry men just don't *get it* sometimes. I hope you can find a way to tell him how bad you are hurting so he at least try to understand. If not vent away... that's what we are here for.

Are you going to do something special to remember Ben by tomorrow?

[HangingInThere]

Yeah they really don't get do they? I just talked to Dh on the phone. He's on his way home from Denver and stopped to do some shopping at the outlets. He was asking me about something he was thinking of getting me and said maybe had spent enough on me already. I said you could buy me flowers tomarrow. He was like why? I said think about it and he was like whatever? I still think he thinks that I should just get over it. What he doesn't realize is that I am over it, but I'll never forget that I should have been holding Ben in my arms tomarrow. Now I don't even know if I would want flowers from him anyway, just because why should I have to ask for them, they should be a surprise and a gift from his heart. Not something he gives to me because I told him too, in that case I should just go buy myself flowers.

Bobbie~I've thought about doing something for Ben tomarrow but I'm not sure what I should do. Anybody have any suggestions? I thought about letting off balloons again but I just think I would prefer to do something different.

[..Jessica..]

Courtney, I'm sorry he forgot!!

As for a suggestion for tomorrow -- maybe light some candles around the house and say a prayer for Ben as you're lighting them?

[HangingInThere]

Thanks Jess,
I may just do that! There is also a bible study that I have been wanting to do that I may finally take the time to sit down and do. It's called Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy! I found it online not long after I m/c'd but just have never taken the time to sit down and do it. But I do like the idea of lighting candles.

[MelissaT1973]

Courtney, I am so sorry about how you are feeling, it is so painful. You know men do handle things differently and they simply don't have the same emotional awareness as us. To be fair, you may want to express to him during a quiet time together about how you're really feeling right now. He may surprise you by sharing a lot of the same feelings, just not expressing them or during your conversation he may just begin to realize how it's effected him too....but be prepared in case he doesn't feel the same.
The truth is, you carried Ben in your womb, something a man cannot relate to so naturally your feelings will be different, and should not be discounted by him or anyone else.
There are many ways to remember your dear baby, a candle lighting, a walk by yourself where you can be private and "talk to him (Ben)", or simply attributing all you do that day in his honor, and of course prayer. God speed.

Hugs to you.

[Madison.N.Hailey'sMom]

I really sorry for everything your going through. I hope things get better soon for you. My DH once told me that he doesnt feel the same way I do about lossing Samantha because I was the one who carried her so he understood that I was hurt more by her passing. You should talk to DH and let him know how your feeling and even though he may feel differently at least he will understand where your coming from. As for a suggestion about tomorrow, I like the candel idea, but here another suggestion. Maybe write a letter to Ben and put it in a box with some other stuff that reminds you of him and maybe hid it away so that you can look in it each time you think about him. I plan to do that for my little one. We're all here for you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

[*Bobbie*]

I have always thought a donation to a local childrens hospital in your angel's name would be sweet.