[greenchild]

My aunt emailed (with my permission) to some family members about the recent events we were and are going thru. This is an exchange between a cousin I haven't really said more than hello to in a couple years. It just set me off, and I mean like PMS!

To give you some background, I was raised in a religious family but no longer consider myself to be of that religion for many reasons, however that doesn't mean I don't have beliefs, just that they are not the same as most of my family believes. I do consider myself to be spiritual and enjoy researching the subject. anyway . . .

my cousin emailed me telling me that she had "recently lost her job" (so she knows about loss, right??), and "everybody has trials, and yours is just a bit harder than others" and that "God has a plan for you but you just don't know what it is". After that email, she began to send me alot of religious emails.

I thanked her nicely for the emails, and also asked her to please not send me any more religious emails as that was the last thing I wanted to see at the moment. And I was very nice about it.

Here's her reply:
God is the one and only thing you need right now.

Excuse me??? Have YOU even been thru a loss??? no - you are extremely lucky to have one healthy daughter. What the @#$%&*# give YOU the right to tell me what it is that I need??? Especially after all we've been thru???

I was still nice in my reply but i was so mad, here's what I sent: I do not believe that at all. What I need is the love and support from family & friends, which I do have and am thankful for. Please understand that my beliefs are different from yours. Please do not tell ANYONE going through multiple losses what it is that they need. It is extremely offensive. I am sorry if this offends you, but lets please agree to disagree on this one.



I hope I don't hear back from her, I think if I do I am going to block her emails. What do you think, did I do the right thing? Or am I just being overly sensitive and reading too much into her emails?

[Brittanie]

I can see why that would offend you. I'm very active in my religion, and a girl I know who is also very active in the same religion just lost a baby. I didn't think that I know what she NEEDS. Yes, God got me through. However, just because my grief took me that direction mean that hers will.

It was VERY presumptuous of your cousin to say that. It even came off as sort of snotty.




Honey, my heart just breaks for you right now.

[Frangipani]

I agree with Brittanie, your cousin did sound snotty.

I was raised in a really religious area as well and every time something bad happened, I would be told that I had to turn to God and the church. I think it's just that this is what works for them so they think it will work for you. A little part of me sometimes thinks it is also like a window of opportunity they think they can use to try to bring you back in to the fold though. I just try my best to stay clear of any religious discussions now, but it really is hard when they are family.

I'm sorry she's not being more respectful of you.

[*Melissa*]

oh good grief... sometimes people... even GOOD people with GOOD intentions can just be so thoughtless.
I will be straight up with you, I'm 100% Christian, and a believer in Jesus Christ- and when I went through my m/c I can honestly say the only way i made it through the day was God's strength... But what you NEED right now is LOVE!!! And your cousin should understand that, especially since she claims to love God. His greatest commandments are to Love God and Love others. So just because someone doesn't agree with you about your religious beliefs it doesn't mean you should love them any less. She needs to put the preaching aside and show you some love!!!! I'm so sorry sweetie... It's so hard when people feel like they NEED to speak up- when all we really need during this time is companionship.

[luvmygirls]

I think you did the right thing, and she was being rude. I hope you can start to heal with the help of SUPPORTIVE friends and family.

[Astrid]

That would totally piss me off. I'm sorry but what you need is support...nothing more, nothing less & that support should be unconditional, not w/ judgement & that is what it sounds like to me. She doesn't get it as most women don't who haven't been through a loss. Hang in there sweetie. I know times are tough, your emotions are raw & this stuff need to just be trivial. Push it aside, let it go & don't let her get the best of you.

[Brittanie]

I'm sorry but what you need is support...nothing more, nothing less & that support should be unconditional, not w/ judgement & that is what it sounds like to me.[/b]

I totally agree with this statement. I have siblings who have not only left our religion, but claim to not even believe in God or anything. As much as I would love them to "return to the fold," their hard times are NOT times that I would push it on them. Those are times that I just love them. I hope that she learns that she should just love you for the fabulous person you are, regardless of differences of belief.

[greenchild]

thanks ladies. I try to respect everyone's beliefs, including my family's and I understand that she has no idea what we are experiencing, but her comment just made me so darn mad! I am trying to let it go. I hope she does not email me again. If she does, I am not even going to answer, just block her emails.

[tparum]

im so sry she did that she obisily dont know what ur going threw which its diffrent for everyone. but she had no right what so ever.

[Madison.N.Hailey'sMom]

I am so sorry that you have to deal with people like that on top of everything else you are going through. I think you handled the situation as best you could. You have a right to believe in whatever is best for you and no one should argue with you on that. Its really hard when you go through a loss to deal with people that have no idea what you are going through say things like that. I agree with the other girls what you need more then anything is support but in what ever form fits you best. I've been through almost the same thing as you are when I went through my losses. I do think its hard for some to think of the right thing to say to someone that has just lost a child but to be rude like that isnt the way to go. We are all here for you and hope that things get a little easyer to handle with time. Your in my thoughts and prayers, both you and DH.

I am a Christian as well and religion is such a sensitive subject. Our goal as Christians is to bring as many as we can to know God...however, you can't push your religion on anybody. In my view you really have to be careful because if you say the wrong thing you can send that person in the opposite direction and I would never want to be responsible for that.

God works in his own way and his love shines through others so I feel you are getting God's love and it's there along with your family's and friends love. Whenever you are ready, in your own time and free will, He will always be there waiting for you with open arms.

When I mc'd, I always cringed when everyone said that God had other plans for me and my baby. But I don't feel God plays a big role in having babies. I feel that He knows and He has a plan made out for us, but doesn't choose who will have a child. The reason I say this is becasue if He was the deciding factor then why would He allow drug addicts and alcholics and little girls have babies.

When you follow a religion, you come to it of your own free will and your cousin should understand that. I'm sorry she upset you. She may have had good intentions but not very well thought out.

[Danica]

I am sorry. She is being insensitive and whatever her motives are, they were not well thought out. UK-Mum is right about being careful what is said or it can send the person in the wrong direction. This happended to me by a pastor who eventually stepped down from the church (long story) but I think that sometimes people don't have common sense and lack empathy. She needs to put herself in your shoes. She has no right to tell you what you need or don't need. Big HUGS.

[*Judy*]

Anne,
I am so sorry!! I would be very offended as well. Hopefully she figures it out. I hate when people think they know what others need. UUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!

[downunderchick]

I would be quite offended. I think you did the right thing in being polite.
In my opinion everyone has their own beleiefs and religions I can accept that. What I STRONGLY DISAGREE with is people imposing their religion on others.
You worry about looking after yourself at the moment and try not to get to worried about the emails. It seems as though she was trying to help but you have let her know how you feel, she shold accept that.

[..Jessica..]

You had every right to say what you said to her!!! I'm glad you stood up to her Anne!!!

She should NOT be telling you what you need!!! Ugh!!

[greenchild]

Just wanted to let you know she did email a very nice apology. I want to reply but am just not sure what to say other than "thank you". I don't want to come off as angry since she was nice enough to apologize and I don't want to sound insulting to her so I really don't know what to say!

On the religion side, I believe everyone should make a conscious, active decision as to what they believe, whatever their beliefs are. Unfortunately I have witnessed too many times in my family that their beliefs are nothing more than "tradition". Why do you believe XX? "well, it's tradition, that's what we're taught" okay, I get that, but why do YOU believe it? and the same answer . . . i think that's why I get so mad when my family says something religious to me. they just do things a certain way because that's they way it's always been and their personal thoughts and feelings never seem to enter into it.