[HangingInThere]

I'm tired of trying! I tired of hoping and dreaming and getting nothing! I just want it to all be over so I can move on with my life. Why do I feel like I have to be pg to move on from my loss. I'm just so tired of wanting something I feel I will never have. I was just fine with having only two kids before and I was fine with the idea that we were done. Why now to I hold out all hope every month. Even when I start to spot and know that it is my period I still hold out and tell myself, well maybe it's IB. Yeah right, why do I do this to myself. I just want it to be all over. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be ok with the idea that I don't need to have more kids, that another pg won't fill the void, but I won't let myself be ok with it. I'm tired of playing mind games with myself and thinking every month that maybe this month if I just forget about it, then I'll be ok with my period coming. But no even when I try not to think about it, it is a huge let down and dissappointment when she rears her ugly head. Then I try not to show my emotion but Dh can tell somethings wrong and I don't want to talk to him about it because he just doesn't understand. I feel like I am there for everyone else when they need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on but when it's my turn, no one understands my feelings and I have no one to talk to. It's been 5 months since I lost Ben and I tired of feeling this way. I just want to get back to my life and feel some normalcy again. I sometimes hate that I ever got pg with Ben but I really think I hate more that I was allowed to carry him for 4 months before I lost him. I hate that both my sisters are pg and really don't want to be, yet I want to be and can't get pg again. I just want the want and need to be pg again to go away and to be ok with my life again. I've thought about talking to my OB about getting on clomid or something but it just seems silly to do that when I feel like if it happened on it's own last time then if it's meant to be it will again. I just feel that by doing that I would be taking fate into my own hands and that's not what I should do. I just don't know anymore! Like I said I just want it to all go away. I don't want to feel consumed by it all anymore.
Sorry to lay all of this on you guys, I just didn't know where else to turn. I'd love to talk to my sister about it but she has here own problems right now, Dh just doesn't get it, and my Mom can comfort but having never been through it just doesn't understand either. I did have a local support group too but first thing you do every time you go is introduce your self and you losses and I just didn't want to reiderate(sp) it every month and feel that pain over and over. I'm just lost and not sure where to turn anymore. And not sure if this is even the right place. I just feel so alone!

[..Jessica..]

Courtney!!!

You are most definitely NOT alone in this!!!! I've gone back and forth several times on waiting to TTC. Some days, I look at the calendar and say "forget it, December is never going to come!!!" And other days, I'm not like that.

I can understand your frustration with TTC, every month hoping and praying that you caught the eggie, the testing the OPKs, the temping, everything. I'm sorry you're going through this right now!!! Maybe talking to your doctor about everything, just getting it out there (I know you don't want to keep talking about it, but maybe if your doctor knows everything, including your feelings, he/she can help) and like you said, even ask about Clomid.

I don't know, I wish I could take all the pain away, I really do!!!

I'll be thinking of you!!!!

[keekopeeko]

i totally get you... on all of it...

youre not alone..

and if you wanted... you could try just taking a break from it...and take some time to completely heal from your loss...

and maybe at the end of that you would find you are fine with two kids...

and if not.. then you would feel better about TTC again..

I dunno..

but i get it

~Em

[Danica]

Oh Courtney I am so sad reading your post. I can feel your hurt and struggle in your words. I wish there was something I could do. I just don't know. Maybe you should take a break from TTC for a while. A couple months off may rejuvinate you. Then when AF comes you will sort of expect it and in a sense be able to handle it better. I know that especially when the spotting starts and you know AF is showing it is just such a HUGE let down. The hormones definately don't help also. Maybe you should just go into the woods and scream. Let it all out. You can always talk to us. This is the right and perfect place to vent, especially when people IRL don't understand. I don't know if this is overstepping the boundries but to me, it sounds like you are still healing emotionally. Have you tried writing a letter? I know it sounds corney but it will sometimes help you let go and be more at peace if you get the words out of your head and onto paper. Write about how you are angry, write about how you miss Ben, write about what you felt when you found out you were pregnant, what dreams you invisioned with 3 children, write about what it felt like to loose Ben and about your sisters being pregnant and people not understanding you. Then when you are ready to release those feelings, burn the letter.

I am going in for accupuncture tomorow and am really excited about it. I know that you are also into more holistic medicines and spirituality. Maybe something like that will help. I think I will also setup a meeting with a nutritionist and herbalist to get my eating and herbs back on track. You might want to try that too. Even if you decide to take a break it might be good to do some type of energy work to balance your energy. In the end, it might just take some more time and a break from the stress of TTC. Whatever you decide, we will support you 100%.

I am really sorry you feel so down. BIG HUGS.

[jademyst13]

You are not alone!

[HangingInThere]

Thanks Girls!! It just feels better to get it out! I think alot of the alone feeling is knowing that Dh is not completely on board. He knows it's what I want and so he does it because he wants it for me, however he is just so blind to it all. Occasionaly he will clue in and realize I must be Oing or starting or something but most of the time he is just so busy he never notices. I have thought about going on BC but can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I should just invest in some spermicide and take a break for a couple of months. I need to do something to assure myself I'm not pg so I will actually be able to not get my emotions so caught up in it all. I've tried taking a break and just not thinking about it but I can't help it, I still do. As soon as I know I'm Oing I start hoping. Then I try to prepare myself mentally for the let down as the TWW comes to an end but I am just an optimistic person and naturally try to tell myself that this could be it even when I know its not. At least if I used a spermicide I would know that there is no way. Dh won't use condoms so I know that's not an option and when I almost went on BC last month my Ob nurse told me it could take up to 3 months for it to be fully effective so I don't want to go there. The last thing I want to do is jack with my hormones only to decide to try again as soon as it is effective. Anyway I'm going to try to take it easy and gather myself and try to come up with a new game plan because it's obvious this one isn't working.

[Brittanie]

I have nothing to add, except some more I used a spermicide for a while. I developed an allergy though, so no more of that.


Good luck finding something that works for you!

[Frangipani]

((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))


I'm glad you came here and vented. This is the only place I feel like I can be honest about all the worries and hopes I have with TTC as well. I don't know why things happen the way they do. I sort of think the same as you that if it is "meant" to be then it will happen but at the same time, why can't we help things along? I don't think talking to your doctor about clomid and just generally what your options are is a bad thing. It doesn't mean you have to do it, just then you will know what is out there, kwim?

I agree with the others about maybe taking a month or two off but yeah, that will be hard if dh won't use condoms. I wouldn't want to go on BCP either since it does seem to take a while for them to be effective + a while for your body to get back to normal when you decide to get back off them. Have you thought about using the sponge or something? I think they still have those, right?

Again, I also agree with the others who were saying they go back and forth with TTC. I'm actually thinking about taking this month off, well next month, I guess. Just to get my head back on straight and to stop obsessing like crazy over this so much. I almost failed an exam at school yesterday just because I was spending so much time obsessing and not studying. It's not healthy!

Good luck, and don't hesitate to vent!!!

[MelissaT1973]

Courtney,
I have been wondering about you, I actually sent you a PM yesterday, don't know if you've picked it up yet.
Please take care of yourself, I am so sorry for the pain and frustration, I really wish I could take it away for you....but I can offer you a big HUG!....well more of a cyber hug!

[HangingInThere]

Thanks again Girls for your support. That's what I love about this board is that I can come here, vent, and no one it judgemental, just understanding. I actually did come up with a new game plan and not at all what I thought it would be but it just kind of hit me as I reflected on things the last couple of days. I post later with what my new game plan is and you all may be as shocked as I am about making this decision but we'll see. In the mean time I am feeling much better and I will keep in touch.

[..Jessica..]

I'm glad you're feeling better!!!