So, if you read my updates in my previous "I can't do this anymore" post, I have come up with a new game plan. I am actually walking away from TTC for awhile. Though it seems bitter sweet, I have also found a renewed strength in letting go of all the stresses as though a HUGE burden has been lifted.
All this time, since I lost Ben, I have thought that since he was a surprise that God must want me to have a third and he must want me to have another now or why would I have gotten pg in the first place. However on reflecting I realized that Dh and I's original plan was that for now we were ok with two kids and even though I was on the fence with having a third I wanted to wait til DD was in school before I thought about a third. Well all that changed with Ben, but I realized it changed because at time it had too and then after we lost him because I made it change. Instead of reverting back to the original plan I felt I needed to force myself into having another right a way and why? I guess because that was how I moved forward from Angelon's passing and so I felt it was what I needed to do again. That the only way the void could be filled was to fill it with the conception of another child, but I was wrong. That was the right thing to do before because we really wanted another and that was the way we needed to move on, but this time was different. I don't NEED to have another but if I am blessed with another I will be truely grateful. However the time does not have to be NOW and therefore I have time to enjoy my life for a while and re-evaluate my decisions down the road.
When you get soo caught up and consumed by the need to be pg every month that you push everyone else away, especially when you find out that the results aren't what you expected, then the time is not right for trying. I told Dh yesterday that I'm done TTC for a while and he ask if I was sure and I said yes, at least for a while. I need to be sure that I am doing it for the right reasons and right now I'm not sure that I am. I can't ride out the emotions anymore. I can't put myself through the emotional turmoil ever month, it isn't worth it and I'm just ready to move forward and enjoy my life as it is, right now.
With the coming of two new babies to the family from my sisters I'm hoping this will be some relief in filling the void. My baby sister has already told me that she feels that her baby is my angel baby as she conceived at the same time I found out I lost, so in a way I will be getting not only a neice but a God daughter as well. She has already ask me to attend lamaze with her and I am getting truely excited about her coming. She will truely be our "Grace" from God when she gets here as my sister has planned to name her, "Gracie Mae," specifically for that reason.
Funny thing is that when I told Dh that I would re-evalutate how I feel down the road and think about trying again later, he mentioned maybe even looking into adoption? I ask if he would really even consider that as I thought he never would and he said maybe. So who knows what the future holds but I'm once again excited about the possibilities but also relieved that I finally feel comfortable enough to give myself a break and let it all go. I actually called and filled BC this morning and I'm anxious to get started, not because I'm that excited to stop trying, but because I have been having excessively heavy periods and I'm anxious for some relief. I almost filled BC last month for this reason as I have been told it is the only option for treating heavy periods. Don't know if that is true or not but at least now I'm ok with not TTC where last month I wasn't sure.
Don't worry however I will still be here. You all have been my ROCK and I could never walk away from such support. In the meantime I send all of you my love, support, and tons and tons of BabyDust!!
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So Here's the NEW Game Plan!!
your way!!! I know this decision wasn't exactly an easy one to be made!!!
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