[Banned-ZoesMom]

My cramping is gone, I still have my CM, still thick and EW, and my new "symptom"? Neck pain. I had it with Zoe too, to the point where I just couldn't sleep comfortably. If I was laying on one side, the other side hurt. I needed to see a massage therapist for it. My cervix is high and soft, but I just don't feel it.

With Zoe, I started having dreams about introducing my daughter to my mother at her work a week before my AF was late. I didn't have those with either of my other babies, and lost them both.

So, this either isn't my cycle or my month, or it is and I'll be losing another one. I think it's the first though..I just don't feel it. I felt it with the other two, this time, I just don't.

[Melanie0507]

It may be just too early Brandi...

But if it isn't your month, hopefully next month will be better! Maybe your body needs a little more time to heal?!?

[Banned-ZoesMom]

I'm so sick of this healing crap; I know it's selfish, but I want another baby. Two miscarriages, 10 weeks apart, endometriosis, like what the hell is wrong with my body? There is NO history of reproductive problems ANYWHERE in my family, but there is in Mike's. It's like marrying him is making my body adopt his family's history and problems. I have so much anger and frustration inside and no one to let it out on or take it out on. Sometimes it just overwhelms me to the point where I find myself yelling at my daughter when she screams, like it's her fault. That makes her scream even louder, makes me more angry, and then I need to plop her in her crib and get away from her so I don't hurt her. It's just so unfair. I know I should appreciate the precious girl I have already, and I do, and ultimately, I will be happy with only her if that is what it comes to, but there would always be the regret of not having another child. My healthy babies nurse and home visitor are POSITIVE that my mood is caused by PPD and it's not, unless it's possible to suffer from it after two miscarriages. I can't tell you how many times thoughts of suicide have run through my head because I feel like such a failure to my boys. I'd never do that to my daughter though. I may be selfish, but I'm not that selfish.

I wanted three. SO only wanted 2. I decided to settle for 2 and my last two attempts ended in failure. My next attempt will probably end in failure too, and the next and I'll probably never have a healthy pregnancy again. I've given up on optimism. It doesn't work. Being optimistc has never worked for me. My life completely sucks and always has. Nothing ever works out for me, and watch, the next step will be me losing Mike and/or Zoe to divorce before we even get married. This year completely sucks and I hate it. I'll probably also be losing my uterus within the next year, also killing my chances of another child, because we just CAN'T afford adoption or IUI or IVF treatments.

My doctor says I need to have one more miscarriage before he'll give me any kind of fertility drugs to keep a pregnancy. He says that until I have another one, he can't definitively determine that my last two were caused by my endo and apparently another will confirm that. So I just want to hurry up and have another one or hurry up and miscarry again so I can start again and have a healthy pregnancy before all my chances are up.