[Banned-ZoesMom]

We went to my mom's house for the weekend. All week Mike has been worried and complaining that he doesn't know where he's going to come up with $734 for property tax at the end of April, especially with a birthday, a wedding, and a honeymoon to pay for, and that if we're able to, we may have to eat scarcely for a week or two. Okay, that's fine. So, what does he do on Saturday morning? He goes to friggin Best Buy and gets $600 worth in an Ipod and accessories and an external drive for the computer!!! Like, seriously, what the hell?? Does he think that I'm going to be okay with that? He says it's okay because they're giving him 6 months to pay it, except that in 6 months, we're going to have another $700 property tax bill to pay. That and we have $1900 coming back to us from taxes. He wanted this stuff, and when he wants it, he wants it NOW. He's so friggin selfish that he can't wait until we're in a better financial situation to get what he wants. His 6 month deal will still be there after the honeymoon and if he took it after the honeymoon and property tax, he'd have an easier time finding the money for it. He says he doesn't care if he needs to take money from his line of credit to pay it off, that he'll do it. That is NOT responsible. I told him that if you know that you may need to borrow money from the bank to pay off an ipod and property tax, then you shouldn't get the ipod!! It's common sense. It's because he's so selfish. Since we've been together, he also spends $200 a month on music; cd's, music DVD's, iTunes, etc. He claims that he's allowed to because we always have an extra $700 a month to throw around, except that he's always in the negative the same day he gets paid. How do we have an extra $700 a month if he's always in the negative? Does that make any sense to anyone?

Not only that, but he was compaining and freaking on me for makin Zoe a video of her first year. I tried to burn it to a CD and DVD and it wouldn't work, so I uploaded it to a website and ordered it from them for $40. I also spent $55 on Zoe's birthday last week. So, he's complaining to me that I spent $95 on my daughter for something that she's not going to remember an hour after it ends. Apparently it's all for me and I'm being selfish. Okay, I understand, she isn't going to remember it an hour after it's over, but am I not entitled to be selfish once in a blue moon, especially when it's something that ISN'T for me? I flipped on him for even trying to compare $95 to $600.

So, we had a huge fight last night and it's carried through to this morning. He claims that I'm jealous that he bought himself an ipod and that he didn't get me one, and that is soooo not the case. I don't care for an ipod because it's just a waste of money. I don't have very many CD's anyway and my DVD player and CD player in the car do just fine when I want to listen to my music. I also told him not to buy me a birthday present, because I didn't want one, and we've gone out for dinner 4 times this week. He's wasting our money. We had to buy diapers for Zoe this week with Zehrs gift cards that I've been saving for weeks. How pathetic is that? The only food we have in our house is about 10 packs of sidekicks and a pack of elbow macaroni. We don't even have milk! He kept saying that I was telling him that I don't want him to have anything that he wants, and that's not true at all. I don't care if he buys himself stuff. All I was trying to tell him is that it wasn't the right time to buy this stuff, that he could have waited, and he won't even acknowledge that; instead, he tells me that he plans to buy a new car stereo in the next two weeks; one that is iPod compatible!!! WHAT??!!! The one he has is fine, and playing his CD's is fine. He is so ###### selfish and I can't friggin stand it anymore. Our fight was so bad last night that he dropped us off at home and he took off. In turn, while he was gone, I packed mine and Zoe's bags--diapers, wipes, formula, bottles, clothes, everything, and I called the local abused woman's shelter. They're still holding a spot for me right now. I'm seriously ready to leave him if things don't start to change. He buys things that he wants, when he wants them and doesn't care about the consequences. I've been in the position where I needed to either scrounge my change, or not eat at all, so I know the importance of waiting until a better time to get what I want. My needs come first, wants come second, but he can't seem to comprehend that, and it's all because he's selfish.

He refused to let me leave with Zoe last night, and I refused to leave without her. He told me if I left with her, he wouldn't care if he had to go $20 000 in debt from lawyers, that he would fight until he had her, and that I'd never see her again. There proves his selfishness. I cannot believe that he would do that to his daughter. If I left with her, I'd at least grant him some custody. I could never ever in my life take Zoe's dad away from her completely.

So, I haven't left yet, but I haven't unpacked my bags yet either. I'm ready to leave. I'm sick and tired of fighting, and I'm sick and tired of trying to keep things together. I'm tired of constantly giving, giving, giving, and not getting anything in return, not even a thank you. But at the same time, I'm not ready to give up on him or this family. I still love him, so I told him to give us a reason to stay. He told me he couldn't, but that he wanted me to. In the next sentence he told me that the only reason I've stayed is because I want a free ride, and that's not true at all. If I wanted that, I'd never have started home child care, nor would I have gotten a job when Zoe was 6 months old.

So I asked him if he wanted us to stay. He said he did, so I told him the only way we would stay is if he agrees to counselling. He told me we don't need it and I'm being unreasonable and selfish, but I think this is one thing I can be unreasonable and selfish about if it helps to save our family. Obviously, if we're having a fight every week, whatever we're doing is not working, so hopefully having a middle man or mediator will help us. He agreed, reluctantly, to it.

This morning, he was going to be late for work, so I woke him up. Then I tried to give him a hug and let him know I still love him, and he wouldn't have any of it.

Sorry for the long post, but thanks for listening ladies.

Am I being selfish by wanting counselling?

[Madison.N.Hailey'sMom]

Man if I were you I would have told him that it was either counseling or the wedding was off for awhile. Sorry I just cant stand when men get that way. Its my way or no way kind of thing. You guess really should talk about all the money stuff before you get married or it could get worst once your married. Is there a family member you could stay with till things cooled down? He needs to understand that he is not the only person in this relationship and that now that he is getting married that he is going to have to give up stuff too. And if he complaines about the lack of money for taxes then I would tell him that you had it until he bought the Ipod. Sorry this just upsets me so if I'm coming off mean I dont mean to. I really hope things work out for you guys.

[mmgre703]

Aw Brandi, I'm sorry that all this is going on. I don't think you are selfish at all. I agree with Angela. Men always have some way to make it our falt. Getting counseling is one step to put all the pieces back together. It sounds like you are putting the family first and he is putting himself first. Before I got married we got counseling because he wasn't sure he wanted anymore kids. It all worked out. Men just don't like to admit that they are wrong. I really hope he wakes up and realizes that he could lose his family. I wish you the best and I hope things work out. And don't you dare think you are being selfish!!!!!!!


Megan

[Banned-ZoesMom]

I already told him I'm not marrying him until we do counselling, and I intend to stick with that. My bags are still packed in the front hall ready for us to leave, and I intend to keep my bags packed with all Zoe's needs as well until we go to counselling and he begins to show improvement. I am NOT playing around anymore. If his family mean ANYTHING at ALL to him, he'll do counselling, and he'll begin to apologize and show improvement, or we're gone. And that's that.

[greenchild]

oh hun I am so sorry you are going thru all this!!! I do not think you are selfish for wanting counselling, and i agree it's best to get things worked out before you get married. I don't mean to offend in any way, but reading that, I do think he is being very sefish and really dumb about money but I would bet you anything he doesn't see it that way. I think that because we went thru stuff like that too. I would like to PM you what happened to us (I don't want to put it on the internet) but only if you want me to. if you share it with him maybe he will see what his future will be if he doesn't stop the spending. he has to realize that unless used properly, credit cards are NOT his friend.

But I will tell you that we were able to get thru it and save our home, our credit, and probably our marriage bc money problems can become a HUGE thing.

I want to wish you the best of luck, you CAN work it out but it takes two people, KWIM?

[Banned-ZoesMom]

If you'd like to PM it to me, you're welcome to.

Last night he told me that having credit is a luxury, and I told him that's the exact opposite. Having credit is not extra money; it's a way for the banks to make more money off you. I wanna slap him. I swear.

[..Jessica..]

Brandy, I'm so sorry you're going through this!!!

First, let me say, he DOES NOT need a new stereo to listen to his iPod, he can get a cigarette lighter adapter and plug it in that way. It costs $30 at the most.

I totally agree with you wanting counselling!!! I can't believe he's acting this way!! Why does he need to spend so much on an iPod with accessories and all that, when he's getting married in 3 weeks? What the heck!?!?!

I agree it does take two to work things out, and it sure looks like you're doing YOUR part! Now if he can only wake the hell up and do his! MEN!!

Oh, and credit cards being your friend?? Definitely NOT! I signed up for a credit card as soon as I turned 18, I'm 21 (in less than a month) and I'm in a $4500 debt, which I HAVE to pay off. My credit has been revoked, and I barely had the cards for a year.

[Banned-ZoesMom]

He's responsible enough that he won't allow a higher credit limit on his credit card than $500, but his line of credit limit is $16 000 and I know he'll use that freely if he needs to to pay off property tax. It's no wonder his dad was so reluctant to give him the house and leave it to Mike in his will. It's because Mike is irresponsible!!

Not only that, but his dad is expecting him to have a bathroom in the basement finished by the tim he gets here at the end of April, but he doesn't even have a seat on the toilet, nor does he go out to look for one, and the shower needs to be clean and the room to be painted!! There are more important things to take care of than an iPod. His dad has told him if the basement isn't finished, we have to move out. What is Mike going to do then?

Oh, and not to mention, he yelled at me and tried to stop me from buying myself life insurance for $50 a month, saying I can't afford that on my own. I'm trying to protect him and Zoe if I die, and he doesn't want me to?? If I die, they're protected for $250 000 if I'm approved. I have $50 a month. I can afford it, and apparently because I bring in less than he does, I can't. He says he wanted to do that, but he wanted to wait until AFTER he got all his stuff. I could die tomorrow..then how would they be protected?

[mom 2 haley & tyler]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all that! I hope he goes to counseling with you and you can get everything worked out. You are in my t&p. You are so totally NOT being selfish, he's the one being selfish.

[Banned-ZoesMom]

Thanks Ladies. We got on the waiting list for counselling. There's a 3 week waiting list, only because we decided to go with what we could afford. There's a place that has you pay based on your income, and because we bring in $2400 a month, it'll cost us $37 per session. We are slowly working through our issues together, well, what we can work through together, and we're hoping that with counselling we'll be able to find the deeper issue as to why we continue to fight. I know that our money fights and not keeping my side of the room clean or don't do enough around here fights are just masking the real issue, and until we find what the real issue is, I don't think the fighting will stop, and it's not fair to us and especially not to Zoe.

So, for now, we're walking on eggshells, we're both walking on eggshells around each other, trying to get close to the other without getting too close. I've given him hugs and kisses, but only forehead and cheek kisses, and there's no love in the hugs. He's just giving them to get it over with. This morning, when he left for work, was the first kiss he's given me in 2 days, and it was only on the cheek, he didn't want to cuddle last night, but the closest he got was laying his head on my lap while watching a movie.

We do want to be close, we want things to be okay, but there's still so much tension between us and we don't want that to erupt, so it's going to be taken slowly.

My mom thinks we need to postpone the wedding, but we're not going to do that just yet. Since he's agreed to counselling, I've agreed not to postpone it just yet. We're going to see how things are a week before the wedding, and then decide. We're not serving very much food, just a cake, and some snack foods like pickles, cheese and crackers and small sandwiches and salads, so we won't have any disappointed caterers, and we didn't have a photographer either anyway. I'm sure we can push it ahead with the church, but we'll have to spend another $125 on the marriage license because it expires 90 days from the date of purchase.

Things are slowly improving, and I know the counselling will work, so if, without counselling, we get to a safe and happy point in our lives that we agree on, we'll get married, AND continue counselling until we get to where we want to be, and when we're done counselling, we'll do credit counselling too.

[greenchild]

oh hun that's great! it all takes time, nothing gets fixed overnight.

[mmgre703]

Brandi it really sounds like you have a good plan. I just wish the two of you the best. Hopefully you two can work everything out. It just sucks that you are on a 3 wk waiting list and are suppost to get married in 3wks. The good thing is that he is going!!! Just make sure this is what you want to do. I had to make a huge decision before we got married and we went to counselling too. I hope that it all works out in the end. On a happier note do you have all the wedding plans done? Are you having a big wedding? Whats your colors? Sorry if I'm being nosey I love weddings and had sooo much fun planning ours.





Megan

[Banned-ZoesMom]

They're pastel, or spring colours, light green, light yellow, light pink and light purple, and all the plans are done, all the money is spent, and all we have to do is get to the church on time, have our friends pick up the cake, and have my mom get the food, and that's that.

We've agreed that even if things are *okay* in 3 weeks, we'll still get married. As long as we can overcome our outerlying issues, we'll get married, and continue to work on our underlying issues through counselling for as long as we need to. If we're not at a happy, agreeable point in our lives a week before the wedding, we'll postpone it until a better date, but right now, April 12 holds a special place in our hearts, and we're not ready to give up that date, nor are we ready to give up on each other or our family. Whether we marry next month or not, we're still going to take our week away to reconnect. I know we can make it work, but it'll take a lot of work.

[mmgre703]

Brandi, thats the colors I had!!!!! Great minds like alike!!!! I really hope it works out. You have a plan and are in it for the long road. Looks good so far. And life is hard and so is a relationship no one is perfect. Just stick to your guns girl. The week away should be a good thing to reconnect like you said.





Megan

[Banned-ZoesMom]

I really hope so. I think part of it is that Zoe was conceived too soon. Don't get me wrong, we love her and wouldn't change it for the world, but we didn't get enough time together, just us. Zoe was conceived 3 months into our relationship, and I think part of why we're not as close as we used to be is because we didn't get a chance to get to know each other as a couple, all we know each other as is parents. Maybe a week away where we don't have to think about being parents will help us to reconnect like we need to.