[Banned-ZoesMom]

You guys are all such a supportive bunch, and I love you all to death for it, but it's just way too hard to be here. Even after closing out the DDC, my heart still aches for my losses and aches for another pregnancy, and I know it won't be happening anytime soon. Seeing and hearing of all the new pregnancies breaks my heart, and it hurts more when some of those same ladies lose that same pregnancy. I thought this place might help me to heal a bit, but I've realized that this place is just filled with so much pain and so much heartache, and I can't handle it anymore. I've tried to hide it, and to mask it, but being here is a daily reminder of what will never be. And now that I have to start birth control, I'm being sent over the edge. I'm actually considering not taking it, because taking it will only confirm in me that I am not capable of carrying another pregnancy. It'll confirm my heartache and god knows how long after I stop it it'll take to actually become pregnant, and even if I'll keep that pregnancy.

Since the loss of my babies, I can't count how many times thoughts of ending things to end the pain have crossed through my head, and I can't do that. I can't do it to Zoe or to Mike or to my angels. I know these readings are just for fun and chances are, I won't be getting a BFP in August, September or October or anytime soon after. Chances are, this treatment is going to work so well that my doctor is going to want to keep me on it.

It just hurts so much being here when friends and random people get what I so desperately want and know I may never have again. I can't emotionally handle being here anymore.

I wish you all the best of luck in ttc and lots of baby and sticky dust. Maybe I'll pop in again one day. Thanks for being so supportive ladies. You're all wonderful.

[mmgre703]

Aw Brandi, I will miss you so much. I don't blame you I know it is hard and there are days I feel the same. Life just isn't fair. I wish you and Mike all the best and hope the wedding goes great. And hope that the pain gets better. Hopefully the next few months go by fast and maybe one day you can come back to us. My t&ps go out to you. I know one day you will get that BFP you have been wishin for. I wish you nothing but happiness and you will be missed!!!






Megan

[mommy jenn]

oh my word! im so sorry you feel this way, i had a friend who used to be on forums like this and she lost 3 babies and she also left them because they hurt her to bad, with me its different, without this i think i would never have gotten over the loss of my baby!! i would have never forgiven myself and realised that its not my fault and im not the only women in the world that has been through this. i am glad that i have others who can share my feelings and help me when im down. it is your choice and i hope that you heal through your own way... i pray that God holds you together as you have a beautiful family that needs you terribly and loves you more than words can discribe!!

good luck and God bless

[Melanie0507]

Brandi~my heart is aching for you right now. I am so sad to see you leave, but I understand your reasoning. Please know that if you ever, ever need anything, we will be here for you.

I hope the BCP's gets your endometriosis under control quickly and that you will be able to quit taking them and start TTC again soon. I know that you are a wonderful mother and that someday you will have another sticky bean and Zoe will be a wonderful big sister to a living angel.

Brandi

[greenchild]

I am sorry to see you leave but I totally understand your reasons!! I hope the week with Mike goes wonderfully well and the wedding goes great! I also hope the BCP does the trick for the endo and you get that BFP!!!
I will miss you!

[cam & sami's mom]

I'm sorry. I've had to take breaks from the boards at different times when it was just too hard to see bfps or new babies. I hope you come back when you are ready.

[katiegirl]

Brandy, sorry to see you go.

Good luck with the wedding and counseling. I hope everything works out for you and Mike.
I'm sure you will be back here a few months from now when the BCP has done the trick.

See you then!!

[Banned-ZoesMom]

If anyone would like to keep in touch with me, my MSN address is xbatcountryharlotx@hotmail.com

[ShannonMVT]

Brandi, I am so sorry to see you go but I can understand what you mean. I truly hope that life brings a healthy baby to you one day soon, but I know sometimes it hurts to even hope for that blessing. I hope you will stop back in sometimes and tell us how you are.

[Banned-ZoesMom]

Thanks. In a way, everyone here is a stranger to me, but I love all of you and the support, but it's just so hard. Anytime I see or hear of a new pregnancy, I begin to feel hatred towards that person because they have what I want, and I'm tired of hating. I don't want to hate anyone anymore, because deep down, I don't hate them. I just hate the situation, so I need a break.

[Eleysia]

~Brandi~

I'm so sorry that you are leaving, please know you will be missed. Thank you for the advice you have given out to the women who needed it, and for being there as another wonderful resource. I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed, I hope that with this week with Mike you get to clear your head. I'm sure your wedding will be everything you hope for and more, and I'm sure that you are going to look absolutly stunning coming down the isle. We wish you the best of luck in anything and everything you decide to attain, and again, we will miss you.

[MrsPoe]

Brandi,

I have been there. Sometimes a break is the best thing you can do for yourself. I have also had to take bcp's while I wanted so badly to ttc. I had several cysts that needed to shrink up. I thought about not taking them either, but I just told myself that if I try to get pregnant and it doesn't work, then that will be a month wasted that I could have been on the bcp. Also sometimes the bcp can make a person more fertile. I am hoping that is what happens for you. It seems as though you have a lot going on in your life right now, I hope that things will slow down after the wedding, bcp, and then your bfp will just happen. If you ever want to talk, I am here. 6 years I have been waiting to bring a baby home with me and trust me, I have had those bad thoughts too. I don't have anyone that rely's on me, but I couldn't make my mom go through losing her child (the way we have suffered). I hope that you won't stay away too long and when you come back you will have great news to share with us.

[Brittanie]

Brandi, I know we didn't know each other that well, but I am going to miss you! I want to address something though:

Since the loss of my babies, I can't count how many times thoughts of ending things to end the pain have crossed through my head, and I can't do that. I can't do it to Zoe or to Mike or to my angels.[/b]

This is serious honey. I really think that this needs to be taken care of. I have been there, and luckily I, too, had people that I "couldn't do that to." But if you need to talk to a therapist, or talk to a Dr. and get on meds, then please do! Even if it's not permanent, just to get you out of the darkness. I was on antidepressants for a while, and it helped.

We'll miss you, but you have to take care of yourself first!!

[Banned-ZoesMom]

The losses are something I'm definitely going to address in counselling. Mike doesn't like to talk about them, but I want to, and I think talking to him about them would probably help me. I'm having a hard time parting with JM, so I am probably going to lurk a lot, just not post. I need to take time out for my family too. I'll definitely come back and update in regards to the wedding and honeymoon and about how counselling is going, and I'll post some of Zoe's first birthday pics this weekend. Otherwise, I'm not going to be around much, if at all, for a while. Maybe when I finish the birth control, but right now, it's just too hard.

[mom 2 haley & tyler]

You will be missed greatly Brandi. I do understand, and I hope you get the help you need. I will keep you in my t&p.

[tparum]

u will be truely missed and we all have been there at that point ive been there with all 4 losses. and if u wanna talk feel free to im me or email me at tparum1@yahoo.com

[Madison.N.Hailey'sMom]

I am so sorry Brandi to see you go but totaly understand the feeling of needing a break. I felt that same way about the news of others getting pg and I wasnt one of them. I wanted it soooo badly. I really hope a break helps you and that you are comfortable coming back here one day. I hope nothing but the best for you and as hard as it is to believe right now, you will get your BFP one day. Best of luck with the couseling, wedding and all the other journeys your about to enbark on.

[lynie07]

aww sweetie l'm so sorry to see you go,well you take care and
l wish you all the best for your wedding and also that Zoe's first
birthday is a wonderful day,can't wait to see some pic of your
wedding and Zoe's b'day