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I guess it's time to start a new journal since I really need someone to talk to and I'm not sure I'm ready to talk to anyone else about my experiences conceiving in the past year.
I'll start by saying that my husband is transsexual. He was born biologically female but has known since grade school that he feels like a guy. He has been living as a man for almost ten years now. I have always been 100% straight. I love my DH because of the man he is, but learning about being with a trans person has been a real journey for me. The only down side is that I have always wanted kids.
When we started seriously thinking about kids we decided to use a sperm donor through the Known Donor Registry, which is a wonderful organization. We do artificial insemination at home, and I got pregnant my very first try, but had a really upsetting and painful miscarriage about six weeks in.
I should back up and say that I've always had bad PMS and very painful periods. My solution to this was to go on birth control at age 16 and to not come off of it until a few months before we started TTC.
After the miscarriage we took a month off and started trying again. And again. And again. At least that's how it feels. In the ten months since then we've actually only tried five times. I've thought I was pregnant again several times. Once it turned out my nausea was due to GERD caused by a new asthma medication. But many times I get pain about a week after ovulating and constant need to urinate (which then hurts), to the point that I thought I had a urinary tract infection one month when we weren't trying. I've also had issues with extreme fatigue and diarrhea on a regular basis since the miscarriage, and intermittent pain ever since. I also gained about 20 pounds after the miscarriage and can't seem to shake it.
I saw my GP a few months ago because I felt like something was really wrong. He checked my thyroid and told me basically I'm getting older, my hormones aren't what they were, and I should eat less and exercise. I was so upset because I felt like he was just telling me it was my fault and all in my head.
I finally went to an OB/GYN about the pain this week and he said it was classic endometriosis. I even get the pain in my back and legs that I always just thought was fatigue. I know a lot of people get pregnant with endo, and my doctor was super positive because he said my ovaries looked great, I got pregnant before, my uterus looks mostly good (apart from one small spot that he said was probably nothing, possibly a bit of tissue from the miscarriage), and I'm only 29. He gave me great information about my options and was honestly the best OB/GYN I've ever been to.
Of all the options he gave me I've decided to try a few cycles with clomid to see if I can get pregnant that way. I know pregnancy's one of the best things you can do to suppress endo, and I am desperate to get pregnant. I am so sick of everyone around me getting pregnant, which is what happens when you're this age. I have a hard time even being happy for others who are having babies because I'm so frustrated at my own empty nest. I have always thought of myself as so normal and healthy - regular cycles, pregnant on the first try, blah blah. I know the 12 years of birth control probably suppressed my endo, which is why I never knew sooner, and it's nice to know that I wasn't imagining all that suffering. It's hard to know that every cycle without bc is making the problem worse. I hate to know that the endo likely contributed to the miscarriage, and that despite the fact that I didn't do anything wrong I can't get pregnant. I don't have the money for IVF. If the clomid doesn't work I do have insurance that will cover a laproscopic surgery. I guess the problem is that conceiving has already turned into such a complicated medical ordeal, and now it's bound to get even worse.
I have hardly told anyone about the miscarriage and haven't told anyone except DH about my endo. I'm so angry about the whole thing and feeling so heartbroken inside that I'm not sure I can bear anyone's platitudes of sympathy and dumb advice. I feel like it's so unfair. I've overcome so much to be with my husband, and to have a baby, and I can't have the easiest thing in the world that tons of unfit parents get all the time. I'm in lots of pain the last couple days thanks to the rather invasive exam my doctor did, and I'm just sad and angry at the world. I know this isn't a very positive way to start a journal, and I should say things like "I know it will happen for us eventually," and laugh at all the ******** who tell me "it's your turn to have a baby" and stare meaningfully at my belly whenever they see me knitting a pair of socks (even though they're always ADULT sized), but I'm just not in that space right now, and I don't feel like faking it. I don't actually feel like doing anything except isolating myself from everything.
Well, the adventure continues. My period is now three days late (it was due on the 15th). I have had three BFNs, one on the 15th, one yesterday, one today. I have never had an irregular cycle. We did AI at home on 3 days and 2 days before ovulation, but I kind of convinced myself it wouldn't work. I have been having nausea the last few days, peeing every hour or hour and a half, getting tired really easily, and having some pain... some more like cramps, some more like endo pain. Some of the pain seems to be related to how I sit or lay.
I am kind of losing my mind here. I guess it could just be stress. We did move a few days before I was due to ovulate as well. One of the first things I did at the new house was the second AI. I don't really know what to think. It's hard to be patient and wait, but the truth is either I'll get my period or I won't. ARGH.
Period came four days late. Most painful thing I've experienced since my miscarriage. Spent last weekend crying, angry, hopeless. I know in the grand scheme we have so many options left. It's just infuriating and unfair. I was so angry at myself for daring to hope. I told myself last month that I wouldn't trust ANY symptom, only a positive test, but I couldn't help it. I'm usually SO regular.
So now even fertility friend is all confused by me, and we are busily searching for a new donor as our previous one just shipped off to Afghanistan. We are going to either take this month off, or try with no meds, depending on if we can find a donor.
The good news is that though my period is lasting several days longer than normal I am starting to feel normal, the bloating and other symptoms are going away, and I am left with just the occasional pinching pain and sore back.