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Is it normal to feel like others are taking over?


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  #1  
June 30th, 2010, 04:38 PM
missmich
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I'm feeling that people are trying to take over for me in some ways and tell me how to raise my baby.I think I need a little help deciding what's real and what's an irrational fear/feeling here and also a way to deal with it.

First there was this woman that I'd just started to become friends with so we don't know one another well at all. She said a lot of things to me that just scared me really. Like she'd tell me how she'd always be there for me after baby is born,she was going to sleep over at my house for the first few days once I'm home from the hospital and she'd cook and clean for me. She said to call her anytime day or night,even at 5 am when it's time to go to the hospital. She kept insisting that I wouldn't be able to be on my own at all for the first few days and how much help I'd be needing. She knows how it is with my FOB and I are and she's offered a lot of advice that I just don't want b/c I've made decisions about certain things all ready and also with some things I have no choice,like for the babys last name it can not be his last name says the law here. So it bothers me when she keeps telling me not to give the baby his last name when she knows the law. She also keeps insisting that have the epi and all that stuff and well I haven't decided yet how my birth will go,well I'll educate myself about my choices and then decide later on really for the most part.

She never asked me if she could be there at the delivery,she just assumed that she would be! She didn't ask if I'd be comfortable with her spending the night with me either. I'm not at all. I live in a studio apartment so there is no room for her to stay here. I also do NOT want her 3 1/2 year old daughter here with my baby or my cat! She can't behave well enough to visit me here.

Thankfully she's shown herself to be extremely unreliable over the past couple of months and hasn't called for a while and I know she's in my building a lot since her former bf and her FOB live right downstairs from me it seems like she's not going to be a problem for me anymore. I don't consider her a fiend now either.

Does what I describe sound like she's trying to take over though?

Now another friend of mine,we've been friends for a long time and she knows me really well. I've asked her to be there with me during the birth. I feel comfortable with her. I saw her a few days ago for the first time since becoming pregnant. She was all over my belly and it got annoying fast so I had to tell her step away from the belly and she did. lol A couple things got to me though,probably b/c I've just been feeling frustrated the past few days and also my belly was feeling some pressure. She told me she bought me some bottle and nipples from the $ store which I really do not want to use or have in the house b/c my space is so limited. It's also b/c they may not be safe to use with the BPA issues. I know that many $ stores didn't remove them from shelves. I did tell her not to buy anymore and sorta explained my reasons. I know she meant well though and I'm sure it's a non-issue really just the way I'm feeling right now. I know with this friend if I explain how I feel she will step back and won't try and take over. I'm pretty sure this is just me being a bit emotional or something.

Then another friend,a guy friend that is really just an old friend I met in a chat room years ago and recently found again on facebook. He knows that my baby is Latino and he keeps telling me NOT to give my baby a Spanish name! It makes me so mad. I'm drawn to Spanish sounding names and I also want my baby to have one to make him feel closer to his culture. It's my choice about his name and I don't want to be told that I shouldn't. My guess is he feels that since my FOB has nothing to do with my pregnancy I shouldn't choose a Spanish name.

Does it sound like I'm being a little emotional or irrational from being pregnant or are some of the fears real?
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  #2  
June 30th, 2010, 05:22 PM
Just call me "Hope."
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,849
Well, to me #1 sounds oddly intrusive - I'd want to set clear boundaries with her. It sounds like #2 has good intentions and like you're not really worried about working it out with her. And #3... who knows? Is all your correspondence with #3 by computer? If that's the case you're missing so many nonverbal cues... and I would just try not to take offense. Absolutely make your own decisions, of course. And I think it's ok to tell people you've been a little overwhelmed by everyone's advice lately, and you feel more comfortable thinking things through on your own for a while. Blame it on the hormones if you want, but too much advice is just too much advice.

Good luck!
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  #3  
June 30th, 2010, 06:03 PM
missmich
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Wooo! Ok thanks Hope. I'm glad you see it the same way. Yes,with #1 she does seem like she's wanting to come in and take over. I don't think I have to worry about it now though since she hasn't called me in about 3-4 weeks now. She was saying she has some clothes for baby though that her sister is bringing from Alberta,so IF she does stop by with them I'll be nice and say thank you but if she "offers" to to other things that I'm not comfortable with then I'll just tell her no very clearly.

Friend # 2 is great! We had an issue before when she made a comment that hurt my feelings when we first met and I took her aside and told her about it and we had a good talk and I knew she'd be a good friend. She may make jokes to me and her other friend who just had a baby that she's going to hold the baby and not give it back,but I know if I say no,times up she will back off. She means well in all that she does to help me with. Just some things she doesn't realize,like yesterday she told me to keep the cord blood and she was insistent and she didn't understand why I said I couldn't until I explained it wasn't free to keep at the cord blood bank and why I'd be delaying the cord clamping. She got it though after I explained it. She also really gets why I don't want any negative talk about my FOB which is great b/c it's a stress to hear people bad talk him even though he is not so great right now.

#3 and I have talked on the phone last week after years of not talking on the phone and we used to all the time. It was nice to hear his voice again. I think he's excited about my baby news but not the way it happened . I don't think he approves. Oh well though. lol
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  #4  
July 1st, 2010, 03:12 PM
Mom.to.PinknBlue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Lame-o Illinois
Posts: 12,234
Ok, #1 sounds frightening. Something just doesn't seem right with her. I'm just saying. But all her comments would piss me off too and I do see it as she is almost trying to live vicariously through you.
#2 I wouldn't be worried about. I think she is just wanting to be helpful and seems to take your wants/thoughts to heart.
#3 has no say what-so-ever in what you do with your child. I think he is just overly opinionated.


But no you aren't being irrational or hormonal!
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  #5  
July 1st, 2010, 08:20 PM
missmich
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The first woman I wrote about isn't really a friend anymore. She's been so unreliable and it frustrated me and I was about to tell her this,but she's not been in touch at all. Though I have a feeling that she has moved in to her FOB's apartment right below me! She said she was moving to her sisters house though. It's a bit weird. Anyway I plan to contact her just one more time b/c she has a book that belongs to me and I'd like it back.

She was saying some pretty scary things to me though for a new friend. If my friend Tamara was saying these things I'd take it differently and either know she was joking or know that she'd step back if I told her that's what I needed.
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  #6  
July 2nd, 2010, 01:35 PM
Mom.to.PinknBlue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Lame-o Illinois
Posts: 12,234
I think you have every right to be freaked out. I would be scared if someone that I hardly knew said the things to me that she said to you. Thats just not right.
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