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So I'm pregnant for the second time (the first one was a blighted ovum, but this one is certainly real), and I'm a huge nervous wreck about it. My boyfriend is in the military and we live 6 hours away from our families, and dont have too many close friends around here; dont get me wrong, we do have friends but not close enough where we hang out unless there's a special event like someone's going away, birthday etc. Anyway, I dont think we're ready at all for this. We're both still young, I'm 22 and he's turning 25 in a couple weeks. We've both still got a LOT of growing up to do and we should've thought of bringing a baby into the world a little harder. We wanted it so badly for the longest time, but now that I'm actually 17 weeks along, I'm thinking twice about it as every day passes.
The first few weeks after I found out I was pregnant were fine. I had a huge appetite and could eat an entire table of food and be starving again an hour later, I didnt feel or get sick, no raging hormones or anything. It was around 6 weeks when things started going downhill and fast. I had my first OBGYN appointment, and on the way back home we stopped and picked up lunch. Not even 20 minutes later as soon as we got back home, it came right back up. Almost everything I ate didnt stay down any longer than an hour and a half, two hours. The only things I could tolerate were those small macaroni microwavable bowls, ice cream and popsicles. Water stood no chance. I tried dry toast and saltines but forget it. I had to go to the ER to get re-hydrated with two IV bags and prescribed zofran. That definitely helped, but that didnt mean I had my appetite back. My next OBGYN appointment they told me I lost 10 pounds. I couldnt eat anything. I wanted to lose some weight before I got pregnant but this wasnt exactly how I wanted to do it. My first ultrasound they told me to drink 32 ounces of water. I did, but I dont know if I drank it too fast or what but right before we left for the appointment half of it came back up, and I did take zofran before I started drinking. My face broke out absolutely horribly around my mouth and there was nothing I could do about it. I was a very emotional person before I got pregnant and had a bit of a temper, but now that I am my emotions got much worse and my temper flares over nothing, and my boyfriend doesnt understand and doesnt know what to do about it. He gets upset when I do, making me more upset leading to crying my eyes out, and it's all over something as dumb as the cat not being fed yet. I hate it. If I get upset or angry at him, he usually doesnt even do anything or it's something I should've just ignored which is why he gets upset and I dont blame him. I hate being tired and cranky, and my lower back just recently started hurting. He says I have a bit of a baby bump but I've had a pudge on my belly the past couple years and all I see is fat and a muffin top. We've seen it on a few ultrasounds and I have to see that's probably the only time I feel excited about being pregnant and knowing in a few months we'll have a new addition to our family. I was thrilled at first, but no reality is sinking in and I just dont want it anymore. I dont know if it started when I started feeling like I wasnt myself or what, but I just dont want to be pregnant anymore, and I'm not looking forward to having a screaming baby. Dont get me wrong I love babies to death, but my boyfriend and I like to do fun things together like go to NYC, baseball and hockey games, go to the carnival when it's in town, travel, things like that. I feel like we cant do anything after it's born, and wont be able to for quite a while. I see it as being tied down until it's old enough to be able to go do things like that. Like I said, we have no family where we are and arent too close to anyone, and everyone he works with has at least one or two kids of their own so it's not like we can stick ours with anyone for a weekend. He's the only one that works and I'm home alone during the day, and knowing I have no one to turn to when he has to go back to work after it's born is driving me crazy. I'm afraid I wont do something right, or I'll snap and want to give up. I already want to give up but cant. It doesnt help that we're two of the biggest procrastinators; we havent even bought any furniture, the room that will be the baby's room is currently our storage room and needs to be cleaned out and we havent even started that. Favorite foods like tuna have to be kept minimal and I can only eat the lowest grade tuna out there. What restaurant or deli honestly uses the lowest grade tuna?! I know I can technically eat it, but it's 6 ounces A WEEK. That's ONE CAN a week! Before I got pregnant I was having huge tuna melts just about every night my boyfriend would bring home from his lunch break, tuna casseroles were every week or two, tuna sandwiches here and there... Other seafood has to be kept to certain amount a week and it's driving me crazy. I come from a state where seafood is a huge part of our culture, heck, fresh seafood is one of the things my state is known for! I can only have small amounts of caffeine and a lot of my favorite drinks have it, I read juice should be kept to a minimum because of the high sugar contents. It's like, really?! I try to eat healthy but this is seriously pushing it for me! I feel like my body isnt even mine anymore in any way. I'm afraid I wont love it once it's born. I'm afraid I'll just see it as a hassle and a chore. Every woman I've met that's a mother says having kids was the best thing that's ever happened to them, but I personally right now see it as it being a burden. I just dont want it, and wishing we waited. We wanted it, but now I'm really regretting it. I'm still young and thought of going back to school to study sign language or become a firefighter or EMT, and now I feel like I wont be able to do that for a long time. I just dont want it anymore.
His family's thrilled. Mine has learned to accept it. Some of my family doesnt like my boyfriend at all (long story) and my parents werent too thrilled when they found out at first, my sister wasnt too crazy either. But they've accepted it and my mother is even one of the ones that wants to buy the crib, she's made blankets, things like that. His father wants to buy the crib as well, so my mother suggested anyone that wants to can give us some money to and whatever's left over we can use on anything else we need babywise. My grandmother is all pumped and it's ALL she talks about, and it does get a little annoying when it's not what I want to talk about. I wont go into details, it's a completely different story, but let me just say she wont be winning grandmother of the year award anytime soon. I was home visiting family a few weeks ago and I saw her a couple times while I was there. It was all she wanted to talk about, and she even had the gall to go and buy a crib without even talking to anyone! I know, it may not sound like a big deal or anything but I was irate. A week or so before I went home I was looking at cribs on babies r us website and mentioned on my facebook that holy cow, some cribs alone were a lot more expensive than the entire bedroom set I had. When I went home, by the way "I got you a crib from so and so, it was only used a a couple times!" Since when did I ASK anyone for a crib? I simply mentioned that I was looking and some of them were unreasonably priced. I later heard her bragging to my mother that she got one, and "It was only a hundred fifty dollars!" Needless to say, I wasnt happy, my boyfriend wasnt happy and my mother wasnt happy about it. Who knows how safe it was, how many times it was really used, if it had lead paint or anything, how sturdy and so on. We were at a birthday party and I had people coming up to me that I didnt even know or hadnt seen in years asking me how I was because she just had to "get on the phone and tell everyone she knew" right after she found out. She told my mother, before even telling or asking me, that she was coming down in February when I'm due. I had to find out from my mother that she was planning this. Then when I was home a few weeks ago, sure enough she confirmed that she was coming down. She even wanted to 'share expenses' with my parents who want to come down. This woman babysits my 7 month old cousin (her biological granddaughter) everyday, and I've heard that since the day she was born my grandmother has done nothing but complain how my aunt mothers my cousin. She doesnt feed the baby often enough, she puts the baby to bed way too late, blah blah blah. I really DONT want to deal with her when my baby's born! When there's been family get togethers, my grandmother hardly lets anyone hold my cousin; there wasnt a time when I didnt see her without the baby. My aunt and uncle only hold her when they arrive, leave, and when my aunt tries to get my cousin to fall asleep, otherwise my grandmother has her. My first pregnancy, she called us to 'see how we were doing', then told MY BOYFRIEND she was going down to where we lived then (she really doesnt seem like she wants to tell me she's visiting, does she?) then had the audacity to tell him SHE wanted to be the FIRST ONE to hold OUR baby! That infuriated me, and I'm sure she has it set in her mind that she will be this time around. I just dont want to deal with her after the baby's born, because I know she'll be all over me and coming down uninvited constantly. Maybe that's another reason I'm not looking forward to being a parent right now. But my main reason is, I'm selfish. I wont lie, I'm selfish and want my life to be mine and my boyfriend's, and dont want to feel like we have a huge burden need machine that we cant get rid of. I'm not ready for it and I'm really regretting it. What do I do, I feel like if I tell my boyfriend or family this they wont understand or will just be judgmental and tell me things like "well you should've used protection" or "you said you wanted kids". Well now that reality has set in, I dont want kids anymore. I just dont want this at all, what do I do?
Last edited by Annabelle22; September 3rd, 2011 at 01:13 PM.