I want to start out by saying this is not about Doc. He's actually been doing well lately. This is just about my life which I'm sick of at this point. To be more specific, I'm sick of my DH. Not in a divorce way I'm just sick of the procrastination. It drives me crazy! We have been living in the same shirty apartment for like 6 years, it has 2 bedrooms, we have 2 kids so yeah, we haven't had our own room in 2 years. The paint is peeling, there is mold in my bathroom. We have told the LL time and time again about all the crappy bits of the place that need to be fixed and of course he does nothing and neither does my DH because he decided a long time ago that weekends were for laying around the house and not doing anything productive but that's a whole other gripe that I'll probably get to later. I've been pushing and pushing and nagging and nagging to move. I hate this place. I want a house with a yard and a fence. I want to be on the GROUND. But there's a problem. I want to buy, he wants to rent and we can't agree. We have credit card debt and that...ooooooooh! I want to freaking strangle him over that. We wouldn't have the darn debt if he'd listened to me in the first place. He's just so stubborn!!!! The debt is not huge, it's probably a little over $2,000 right now which is a heckuva lot less than a lot of people but he has NO intention of paying it! He was supposed to pay it off with our tax money and he didn't just like the year before that, same darn thing! We need that debt to be erased so we can buy a house! I don't know why I can't get that through his thick skull! I know he knows but he feels like he's stuck and can't do anything about it and I know that's not true. Whenever I point out things like that he always says would I rather pay the credit card debt or buy food and it drives me CRAZY! I know there has to be a way.

So anyway, now that you have an idea of what he's like I'll continue. I want insurance for me. He and the kids are covered, I'm not. I'm actually the more sickly one. I already owe the hospital some money from a few years back which he also decided not to pay (Really I don't understand him, that stuff bugs me. I don't like having that kind of crap hanging over my head.) I found a plan for myself and Harper because she's on Medicaid, it's $110 a month and all of our local doctors take it. I told him and got no response, then he says next year. IT'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR!!! When are we going to move? Next year. When are we going to try to get Doc into that school in MD? Next year. When are you going to start looking for a better job? Next year. He's been saying that for years. Sometimes he doesn't say that, sometimes he says he'll do it soon and then just doesn't. I"m so tired of empy promises. I'm a SAHM and I love it. We figured out it would be more expensive to pay for daycare and have me work than for me to just stay home, we cannot afford $90 a kid a week. We just can't. So I stay home and I knew I'd have to make sacrifices to do that but luckily I grew up poor so it wasn't a big leap. But **** it I'm almost 30 and he's 32 and I'm sick of living like we're in our early 20's. I want more security, I want a house. Am I wrong for wanting these things? I am I asking too much? I don't understand. People who make less than us a year have these things and we don't and I'm so darn tired of being so jealous. Whenever I leave my SIL's house I usually cry. She has everything I want, including a husband who is MOTIVATED. And I'm happy for them I really am, I love them but when is it my turn?

What should I do? How do I talk to him about this stuff? He just gets really defensive and we wind up fighting and I wind up crying and he tells me I make him feel like **** and like a bad provider and I don't mean to. He's not. He works so hard and he's such a talented artist who's being wasted at the place he's at and he always makes sure we have food and a roof over our heads so then I feel awful and greedy. I don't know anymore but I'm really tired of crying.

[MomfromMD]

I feel your pain, DH's sometimes need to step back and really *hear* us. I think we must live imn the same area if you want a school in MD. :-)

I live on the Eastern Shore of Virginia which is the ghetto of ghetto in my opinion. Actually it's just really country and the schools here are the pits. Except for the private school which doesn't take kids like Doc and we couldn't afford anyway. We want to get him into a school in Snow Hill MD called Cedar Chapel Special School that is also expensive but if I have to sell my body on the street I'd do it.

[MomfromMD]

I don't even want to think of schools...especially if they are expensive, I already know we can't afford it

I know, it's super depressing. If we can't get Doc into this school I fully believe he has no chance. He's severe. He needs one-on-one time, a class of other students, 2 teachers and a little bit of OT and ST a week isn't going to cut it with him. We have no intention of letting up on his private ST and OT once he's in school but it's still not enough. You keep hearing early intervention is key but what they don't tell you is specifically 40+ hours of early intervention a week is needed and most people can't afford that and most insurance companies still don't cover it. I just get mad thinking about it.

[cnote]

Sorry,that sounds like its sucks I totally get you being a bit down the dumps about it. I feel similar about some stuff and I can relate to the living like your in your 20's. I have been bugging my Dh for a long time because most of our stuff was walmart kmart furniture that you put together yourself. Not that it's bad but no of it matched we had a mixture of several wood colors all in the living room and the attached dining room. After years of bugging him and him telling me we could only get one piece of real store furniture at a time he finally caved and I got real stuff that matches on a credit card. DH complained but in the end he said I was right and he feels better just sitting in the house now because it feels like a home rather than a hodge podge bachelor pad. so with all that said, maybe your dh will come around too if you nag him enough LOL! I just have to start nagging my dh about the kids rooms now because I'd love for them to have a dresser.

How far are you from PA? Is it at all possible to buy a house in PA? That could kill 2 birds with one stone. You could convince DH to buy in PA so that you can get the PA medical assistance for Doc. Of course PA's system still has flaws but you really can't shake a stick at 30hrs a week of one on one behavior therapy for free. I'm sure it's a long shot as I'm thinking it's over 100 miles from you to cross the PA border but just thinking very much outta the box and rambling so don't mind me.

[Fae*Aibell]

Sorry you are having such a hard time. My Dh is so unmotivated it drives me crazy. I feel i have to nag and nag to get him to do anything around the house and its exhausting. I hope he starts to hear you soon.

Originally Posted by cnote

Sorry,that sounds like its sucks I totally get you being a bit down the dumps about it. I feel similar about some stuff and I can relate to the living like your in your 20's. I have been bugging my Dh for a long time because most of our stuff was walmart kmart furniture that you put together yourself. Not that it's bad but no of it matched we had a mixture of several wood colors all in the living room and the attached dining room. After years of bugging him and him telling me we could only get one piece of real store furniture at a time he finally caved and I got real stuff that matches on a credit card. DH complained but in the end he said I was right and he feels better just sitting in the house now because it feels like a home rather than a hodge podge bachelor pad. so with all that said, maybe your dh will come around too if you nag him enough LOL! I just have to start nagging my dh about the kids rooms now because I'd love for them to have a dresser.

How far are you from PA? Is it at all possible to buy a house in PA? That could kill 2 birds with one stone. You could convince DH to buy in PA so that you can get the PA medical assistance for Doc. Of course PA's system still has flaws but you really can't shake a stick at 30hrs a week of one on one behavior therapy for free. I'm sure it's a long shot as I'm thinking it's over 100 miles from you to cross the PA border but just thinking very much outta the box and rambling so don't mind me.

Oh my god we have the same life! We've been living in this apartment for 6 years and just last month we got nice curtains for some of the windows, and really decorated. I was giddy! It's not a giant improvement but it's better. I want to paint but DH is lazy pure and simple. We were using some hand-me-down furniture for a while and the couch broke. I put up with it for about 2 more years until I put my foot down and we got a new couch. It didn't break the bank, it was $300 and we love it. We were supposed to get rid of the old broken couch but again I say, DH is lazy so we got a slip cover for it and threw a pillow under the broken bit to kind of level it out and that had to be that. I wanted to get a loveseat but it was not to be. And it's funny you should mention the dresser. Doc kept messing with his which was already a broken mess and he broke it for good. I've been putting his clothes up on the top shelf of his bookcase for about a year and a half now. Every time I say we need to get a new dresser for him DH says oh we will and doesn't. AHHHHHHHHHH! The same with my ring. Dominic got to both of my rings about 2 years ago. He chewed them and managed to pop the saphire out of the engagement ring. When it happened I made a remark about never having an engagement ring again and DH got all upset and said of course we would have it fixed. Yeah, that was 2 years ago, still no ring and now my wedding ring has a giant chip in one the diamonds and I need to have that replaced. Yeah right.

I would loooooove to move to PA. We've read about it and it sounds lovely, Doc gets an hour of ST and 45 minutes of OT a week because the ST is $200 a session. But if I can't get DH to move a half an hour away to MD I doubt I can get him to move to PA. I swear sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it because of some of this stuff. This is the kind of crap that ripped my mom and dad apart but with my parents it was a lot worse. My dad was a control freak and didn't let my mom make any of the decisions and wanted things his way. (he also stole my mom's money out of her purse when she got paid and would leave her like $10 for gas and whatnot.) DH isn't a control freak he's just unmotivated and a serious procrastinator but if he doesn't try to change some of that or compromise with me I can see me just getting fed up one day with the empty promises. It's heartbreaking sometimes. And then I get upset and he wants to know why and I don't tell him because his feelings get hurt and then he gets all defensive and that escalates into a fight. Le sigh.

[cnote]

Missa, there are a lot of similarities between us I think I can relate to a lot of what your saying and it does suck, not horrible suck but it gets you down and it's hard to stay positive when you are surrounded by the very thing that upsets you every single day. The broken couch thing would get to me too. I used to have some plastic stuff under our old couch to make it so you didn't sink so far when you sat down LOL!

We have moved around most of our lives and in the process we lost money on 2 houses and have had lots of broken items. In 12 yrs we had moved 13 times. We are not military, just moved from state to state because of better jobs and from apt to house once we got to a new city. We bought our current house about 6 yrs ago. We lived here for 2 then we moved to Delaware for a year. We tried to sell our house here in PA but the deal fell through so we ended up renting it. The people that we rented it to never paid us rent and we can't sue because she is in jail for embezzelling $50,0000 from the school district she was a secretary at. So they say she has to pay that debt first before we ever see a penny.

Anyway they destroyed our house, holes in walls, carpet was a mess, burned holes in my counter, tore down lots of wallpaper, cats peed and pooped all over, infested with fleas, her 20 something son spit chewing tobacco all over the carpet, just a BIG mess. We are still recovering from all that. Your paint comment made me laugh because for 2.5 yrs I have had blue painters tape on the trim going downstairs. Dh fixed up the holes in the wall and started the paint job but never finished LOL! I can't say I blame him, there is always something more important to do but it does drive me nuts sometimes it feels like it will never get done.

What really gets me is our hoarding and lack of organization. My parents are mixture of a lot of messed up stuff and one of those is hoarding. My mom literally drives here from where she lives (5hrs away) and brings a truck full of stuff that just gets tossed in my garage. Lots of the stuff she brings is junk but some of it is stuff we can use but I just never get around to sort through it. So my garage is piled to the ceiling and stuff falls on my head everyday. I have things, just can't get to them or I don't know where they are. DH promised me that he will take 2 days off next week so that I can sort through some stuff and we can have a garage sale. I pray that we can get rid of stuff, if we don't I may really go off the deep end.

Sorry for rambling but it is almost 8am and I need to get showered and going since our therapist will be here any moment. Not sure if this post makes any sense but I gotta go and don't have time to re-read it.

[Vicki...]

So sorry Missa, hoping he will listen to you soon and you will be able to get Doc into a good school system, me and my dh are currently contemplating moving to find a better school system also, but we are planning to move like a couple hundred miles away to find a school system with an autism circulum

[picklesmama]

Oh boy, can I relate to the unmotivated husband part! I will say Andy is a great husband, my best friend, an involved father, and hard worker - he does do his share - in housework - but no, he is not motivated to do anything in the way of home repair or improvement, yard improvement, debt improvement, savings... the big stuff! I guess I should count myself lucky that he cleans the kitchen after I cook and folds laundry and stuff like that, but, to me, that is small stuff, I can do it myself, and it isn't doing the mossy roof and deteriorating deck any good that the laundry is folded, kwim? I feel like I have to nag and boss him to get him to do the "husband" stuff. Actually it's me who does more repairs and improvements because I finally take things into my own hands. Sigh.

Now that I have read Carry's post though I feel really bad complaining. But, I do feel like I know what you mean. If things were left to my husband, we would still be living in a rental, our furniture would be mismatched (and we'd still have the bean bag chairs he got in college for our living room seating) and we'd have crippling credit card debt - but we'd have all the best in audio/video equipment, and the laundry and dishes would be done, lol. Different priorities

Bobby sounds a lot like Andy. You might just have to take things into your own hands. I have to give Andy an allowance! Yes, even though he's the one working! The boy just cannot budget or think ahead, and the only way I could get us out of debt, was to take over the finances completely. It amazes me because he is in charge of so much at work, and gets it done, but it's like he leaves that guy at work.

Bah! Men. Why can't they just do as they're told - or better yet, think of it themselves!
(((hugs)))

Originally Posted by picklesmama

Oh boy, can I relate to the unmotivated husband part! I will say Andy is a great husband, my best friend, an involved father, and hard worker - he does do his share - in housework - but no, he is not motivated to do anything in the way of home repair or improvement, yard improvement, debt improvement, savings... the big stuff! I guess I should count myself lucky that he cleans the kitchen after I cook and folds laundry and stuff like that, but, to me, that is small stuff, I can do it myself, and it isn't doing the mossy roof and deteriorating deck any good that the laundry is folded, kwim? I feel like I have to nag and boss him to get him to do the "husband" stuff. Actually it's me who does more repairs and improvements because I finally take things into my own hands. Sigh.

Now that I have read Carry's post though I feel really bad complaining. But, I do feel like I know what you mean. If things were left to my husband, we would still be living in a rental, our furniture would be mismatched (and we'd still have the bean bag chairs he got in college for our living room seating) and we'd have crippling credit card debt - but we'd have all the best in audio/video equipment, and the laundry and dishes would be done, lol. Different priorities

Bobby sounds a lot like Andy. You might just have to take things into your own hands. I have to give Andy an allowance! Yes, even though he's the one working! The boy just cannot budget or think ahead, and the only way I could get us out of debt, was to take over the finances completely. It amazes me because he is in charge of so much at work, and gets it done, but it's like he leaves that guy at work.

Bah! Men. Why can't they just do as they're told - or better yet, think of it themselves!
(((hugs)))

Girls, I think our husbands must be brothers. Bobby took initiative recently and set a plan up to make sure we never get behind on the rent again and I was pleasantly surprised. We were doing fine until a few months ago, the department he was in started losing work so he struggled there for a bit because it was what he loves to do (mosaics) but when the custom work stopped rolling in and it was all piece work and crap he moved to the warehouse and the waterjet and got a pay bump. But while he was still in the mosaics dept we got behind on the rent because his pay got so bad. I've never been so freaked out in my life. Luckily our usually jerky LL let us slide until tax time and then he got every cent we owed plus we paid ahead. I will never let that happen again. And the worst part was that he didn't even tell me! We were 3 months behind when he decided to tell me. That was the worst moment of our relationship. He's the same with money. He just doesn't know what to do with it. Don't get me wrong, we don't waste it. We make sure our bills are paid and that we have groceries and the kids have everything they need (clothes, medicine, etc) but then when I ask him to try to start a payment plan on the credit card debt or to use some of our tax money to pay it down or something like that. I always get "Yeah, ok." and he has no intention of listening to me or taking my advice and that's what drives me crazy. He acts like I don't know what I'm talking about. Last I checked I was an adult who is fairly intelligent not an 11 year old child. Reminds me of my parents. I always give them good advice and they NEVER take it. I say that they don't listen to me because I'm obviously 12 years old and know nothing. Grrrr. And I agree with both of you, my DH is also amazing at everything else. Great daddy, great worker, great friend, but he gets stuck when it comes to this stuff. It's like he's terrified of moving forward and that makes no sense to me because I fully believe and have told him several times that he can do whatever he wants. He's a great guy that everybody likes who has an awesome work ethic. But he doesn't believe me. I think that's a lot of the problem. This life is familiar and he's terrified that if he unbalances anything it will all fall down.

I know what you mean! Dh is awesome, but because he's a minister, his whole "job" is serving others and helping them with their issues... which leaves me to deal with the home/kid stuff on my own mostly. Its hard when he gets home from a really draining day and I just need him to take the kids off my hands for a little while so I can get a break, but he's just as tired as I am!

[MaddiesMama]

Hugs to you. I am so sorry for all of your frustration. Can you crunch all of these numbers and put them into a spreadsheet or in some written form and go over it with him? When my DH & I pulled ourselves out of debt at the beginning of our marriage, he was not on board, always saying "yeah, we'll do that" but never following through. Then I got bored at work one day so I made a financial calendar for the next 12 months and it showed him where all of the money was going and once he saw it laid out for him, he was more open to the idea. Make a spreadsheet of your finances, showing where tax money would go, how insurance fits into it and what it would look like if you bought a house. I sincerely hope he wisens up soon. I have people in my life who never take my advice either and it's sad because I see so much more potential in them than what they are putting out.

MaddiesMama, that's a great idea except I have completely forgotten everything I learned about spreadsheets in college but I'll gave a go without the spreadsheet. Love the idea in itself though.

It seems to me like this must be an all wives problem. What is wrong with most men?

[MaddiesMama]

I agree, it's definitely a man problem. Sometimes thinking about it is too hard for them, so you have to do all of the work to visualize it for them. And we all know men are visual creatures I hope he comes around soon. It's really not fair to you.