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How can I help Daniel understand?


Forum: Children with Developmental Delays and Disorders

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  • 1 Post By Fae*Aibell
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  #1  
August 9th, 2012, 05:09 AM
Carwen*Angel's Avatar Fly away on my zephyr
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He's finding it really tough at the moment not knowing when baby is going to come.

I am not able to take him on days out as far afield this summer and can't do too much without getting extremely tired and uncomfortable, and I normally do so much with him, he must be feeling that.

For the first two weeks of the holidays he seemed actually afraid to come out with just me, though I have tried to explain that I will know some hours in advance when baby is going to come out as I will have feelings in my tummy. He does seem to have gotten over that now but still doesn't want to go far from home.

He keeps asking us or telling us "When is baby coming?" "Is baby coming tomorrow?" "I want my baby to come" "Baby has to come today because the waters are all coming out" (yesterday's comment which never happened). He seems quite uncertain about things and unsettled, is struggling a bit to sleep, and is concerned about me being ok and about me going into hospital.

I have told him that baby will come sometime in the next few weeks, because if it doesn't the doctors will give me medicine to help him or her come, and if that doesn't work they will do an operation to lift the baby out, but they would only do that as a last resort because Mummy would be very sore afterwards.

I try to tip him off if I have an inkling, too, but none of them have proved to be right. I had some bloody show on Tuesday morning, not much, but it was followed by some intense contractions throughout the day so I commented on Tuesday afternoon that there were signs and I was thinking next few days. Here we are on Thursday and nothing different, but I felt like I had to warn him. Now he's just uncertain again.

His key worker at school made him a social story about the baby which he has brought home for the summer, and Shaun then made him another one which is specifically about what will happen when the baby is born. Daniel has read them both a couple of times but is quite reluctant to read or look at them much. I think he is almost afraid of what will happen when I go into labour.

Has anyone dealt with the same with an autistic or developmentally delayed child, and has any further suggestions about how we can help Daniel cope? We are coping and being understanding about the obtuse behaviour he keeps displaying right now, but life would be easier for all of us, and especially Daniel, if we could find a way to help him be calm and understand that this is one of those things there is no definite date or time for.

Sorry so long, thanks if you've read this far, and for any advice.
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  #2  
August 9th, 2012, 07:55 AM
AutumnLove's Avatar Autumn & Carleigh's mommy
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When is your due date? I see on your ticker that you may already be there. I was going to suggest a calendar where he can mark off the days until your due date.
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  #3  
August 9th, 2012, 11:17 AM
Carwen*Angel's Avatar Fly away on my zephyr
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Too late for that. My due date is today.

On Monday at 40+4 I have a meeting re next steps with the consultant and may then get an induction date, but even that would only be an "if needed" date and there would still be the uncertainty of whether I'd go naturally in between.
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  #4  
August 9th, 2012, 03:23 PM
AutumnLove's Avatar Autumn & Carleigh's mommy
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You could always just give him a two week countdown, and just let him know that you never can be sure, but that it would DEF happen before that date.
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  #5  
August 9th, 2012, 05:55 PM
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Hugs. No advice here other than hang in there. Completely typical adults have trouble with the "no really, WHEN?" of the birth process. I found that out when trying to have family members come out when Kirianna was born in March. "Umm, I can guesstimate, but it's really up to her to decide her birthday." Perhaps count down to the latest possible date you'll be waiting until an induction? I'm sorry I don't have better advice. I don't think Tristan understood that there'd be a new baby until there WAS a new baby, but he was 3.5 years old when she was born.
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  #6  
August 10th, 2012, 08:21 AM
Carwen*Angel's Avatar Fly away on my zephyr
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Thanks for trying to help ladies.

I'll be 42 weeks on the 23rd if still pregnant, and Daniel's birthday is on the 22nd, so he understands that baby will be here in the few days after his birthday if not before. They won't let me go past 42 weeks and that's pushing it. They'll probably want to start induction sooner than that given my age and the complications I had with Daniel's birth.

I may do some sort of countdown if I get an actual induction date though.
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  #7  
August 11th, 2012, 08:00 AM
Fae*Aibell's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I was going to ask when are they willing to leave you go overdue to and give him a countdown chart to the longest possible date, and if baby arrives before then tell him that the baby was too impatient to wait and wanted to meet his/her big brother sooner. I have no other advice to be honest as when i had Amelia we still didn't have the boys diagnosed.
What i did do when having Reese and Amelia, to help them accept the new baby was, when Reese was born i had a toy in my hospital baby for Jake, from his new brother, because his new brother loved him so much, he got that when he came to the hospital to meet Reese for the first time. And when i had Amelia, i had little presents for the 2 boys from their new little sister. I think it really helped them accepting the new babies.
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  #8  
August 12th, 2012, 07:49 AM
Carwen*Angel's Avatar Fly away on my zephyr
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I want to give Daniel something from the baby, too. I have a set of Elmer books he spotted in a Book People magazine which I said I would put on his Santa list, but instead, I think I'll give them to him "from baby". He has a present for baby from him - a toy owl - and can't wait to give it to him or her.

Not sure how long they'll let me go Molly. When I had my 12wk appt and raised concerns about induction, they said they would let me go to 42wks providing I have a healthy pregnancy etc and providing I attend hospital for closer monitoring, which I am happy to do. But I guess they would want to do a u/s and thorough check of the baby before sticking with that. And with me having had some swelling this last week with the hot weather I'm not so sure anymore they'll be happy to leave it so long. I'm not so sure that I am, either. I may suggest instead not leaving it until 42wks, but trying everything from the most natural and "working up" - ie sweep first, followed by the gel, followed by the pessary. What I really don't want is the synto IV and would probably only accept it in an emergency but would argue for a section instead.
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  #9  
August 12th, 2012, 07:53 AM
Fae*Aibell's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm really hoping for you to go on your own Sharron, your body seems to be gearing itself up for it alright, have everything crossed for you hun. Can i ask if you don't mind, what went wrong with the IV that has turned you off it so much? If you don't want to answer thats fine
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  #10  
August 12th, 2012, 09:05 AM
Carwen*Angel's Avatar Fly away on my zephyr
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Nah maybe it'll help me to talk about it, the memory may be causing some sort of block.

Because my previous experience of it was horrendous. Either syntocinon does NOT get on with my body, or else they just made a string of REALLY bad calls, or a bit of both.

For a start, my water broke with Daniel then nothing happened apart from some of the non-painful contractions that I was having a few weeks ago with this baby, which just dwindled away. They left it almost 48 hours from Sunday morning to Monday evening before starting an induction. So I was shattered before I started having had a bad night's sleep with the contractions, which is never good.

They put me straight on syntocinon, despite the fact that I wasn't at all dilated or effaced. I think they did this because by then my membranes had been ruptured for 48 hrs. Most ladies in for induction were having prostaglandin gel first to try and get conditions to be more favourable. They also whacked up the amount of synto pretty quickly and only offered to take it back down at the point when Daniel's heart rate started to become erratic.

I was hooked up to the synto IV as well as fluids and an antibiotic IV because of my broken water and the risk of infection, so I couldn't move around to help me deal with the pain. The contractions were frequent, almost flowing into one another after a couple of hours even though I was less than 2cm dilated, and so intense I could barely breathe through them. The kind of contractions people describe having at transition.

I hadn't wanted pain meds, I'd wanted a natural birth. I held out from getting these contractions from about 10pm until about 8am the following morning, but wound up caving into an epidural. My labour was really prolonged. Even with the pain gone I was still exhausted from TWO nights of no sleep, and have always been unable to sleep during the day or with people buzzing around me. It took until about 5pm that day (which turned out to be THE day) for me to get to 10cm. Even when I got to 10cm, given that the conditions hadn't been at all favourable to begin with, Daniel's head was nowhere near engaged and I was having to push to bring him down, never mind to get him out. I must have pushed for about 2 hours, exhausted and sleep deprived and the sort of pushes that make you turn purple, before they finally decided to deliver in theatre by ventouse - if that hadn't worked it would have been a section.

Daniel was born not breathing and with a collapsed lung, was whipped away from me, and for the next few hours I didn't even know if my baby was alive, until the neonatal ped came up to let me know he was stable. I have no way of knowing if the labour was tough BECAUSE there was a problem with Daniel inside, or if Daniel developed the problem BECAUSE the labour was forced and tough - and prolonged, and presumably as hard on him as it was on me.

I think they left me too long with repeated failure to progress to be honest and made a lot of bad calls.

I really want a natural birth this time, and a baby born healthy without using pain meds or other meds with their associated risks. And I know that the minute synto is introduced into my system, my chances of that natural birth will be slashed. Not only will I not be able to use a birth pool or bath for pain relief which I am counting on, I can't shake the thought that I can't handle the level of pain/intensity caused by synthetic contractions on that drug, because I've been through it before.

So it's not some arbitrary thing, it's real, deep-seated fears that I keep attempting to cleanse myself of but clearly I still have them on some level. I am far less scared of a section but you can't just have an elective section on the NHS, they will only perform them in true emergency situations.
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  #11  
August 12th, 2012, 09:26 AM
Fae*Aibell's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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hun, i hope i didn't bring up all the bad memories for you again. I can completly understand why you are so against it now, have you talked over these concerns with your consultant? You know now how this drug reacts with your body so this time you are going in with your eyes wide open to it, and i can understand how you would favour a section over it now. From my own personal experiences that i can share with you, i had the iv with Jake after hours of contractions going nowhere and ended up pushing for 2 and a half hours including him being suctioned but his head was very big so i think thats the reason i pushed so long. When having Reese i was much more aware of what i did and did not want going in and had a very straight converstion with my consultant about it, voicing all my concerns and he did listen and understand. With Reese my contractions started by themselves and didn't progress either but this time i got the gel and Reese was born 6 hrs later after pushing for 40 mins (smaller head though), with Amelia, i again started contracting myself on Wednesday night and eventually after my consultant came back from hols on Monday morning i got the gel at 8am, she was born with no pain meds at 8.15pm. All i can say hun, is be strong with the consultant tomorrow about what you are concerned about, also, every birth is different, you can see that from mine, i know its easy for me to say that as im not in your situation, but think positive this baby could sail out yet. Amelia did (i only gave one really good push with her and was told she would have ended up on the floor had the nurse not happened to be there lol, she literally flew out, and my highly paid consultant was standing back and didn't have time to step in and deliver lol) And you have been having fairly painful contractions this time too, i think thats a good sign. Sending lots of hugs to you hun and i hope i didn't rake up any bad memories for you, i feel really bad for asking now. Sorry hun
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  #12  
August 12th, 2012, 09:49 AM
Carwen*Angel's Avatar Fly away on my zephyr
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well I have been trying not to talk about it on here since doing the hypnobirthing stuff even when people have asked leading questions. And not talking about it hasn't got me anywhere, so don't worry, I figured when you asked the question talking about it might help.

Yes, I have already spoken to the consultant about all this very frankly at my first hospital appt. That's why I've got this appt tomorrow with her - low risk ladies don't usually see a consultant at all unless something goes wrong in their labour. I am hoping she'll examine to check for progress since I've been having all these contractions (I do agree they're a good sign and maybe it just takes my body a long time to dilate or something) and if things are more favourable than they were with Daniel I know I won't then be as afraid. And if there isn't any progress then I hope she sticks to what she says at the first appt about trying the gel and the pessary they now have which is similar to the synto but which can be extracted to give the lady a rest if things get too intense - apparently it's something they really use on VBAC patients but she said she'd rather I had that than a section. We'll see! I know Shaun will back me up because he wants the most natural birth possible as well. At least I'm not going on my own.

I'll be ok honestly honey. I know so much more this time than I did last time.
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  #13  
August 12th, 2012, 09:55 AM
Fae*Aibell's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Will be thinking of you tomorrow hun, and come on little one make mama dialate.
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I am at one with God and with Nature. I feel my oneness with absolutely everything.






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