[RawrDiino]

August 20th, 2009 - BFP...maybe?
John and I have been trying to conceive our second child for 18 months. Today I am now 57 days into this cycle. I have poly-cystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and thus have many anovulatory cycles. I have given up on this cycle, but when I wake up - decide to take a test because I have cheapies lying around... just for the heck of it. My ob/gyn is planning on getting me started on provera to kick-start my period just as soon as we can get insurance issues sorted out properly.

To my honest-to-goodness surprise there is a faint pink second-line on the test. It's an unbelievable line. Six hours later, after holding it for as long as I can - I use another test. ANOTHER faint pink second-line is there. On both tests my fiance can see the lines. Are we both crazy?

I start spotting shortly after the second test. Enough to stain my toilet paper pink with every consecutive wipe - but not enough to need a pad. Now I am worried. Have I gotten my hopes up for a chemical pregnancy, or worse, a miscarriage. After a short discussion, John and I decide it would be for the better if I go to the Emergency Room - just to be safe.

Shortly after arriving at the Emergency Room I am wheeled quickly to a room- not allowed to walk. They preform a urine pregnancy test, and the doctor confirms that it is "borderline - much like yours at home" and orders for a quantitative blood test. I am in shock - we aren't both crazy.

I am whisked away for an ultrasound - and nothing can be seen. The technician consistently reminds me that I could just be very early along - and that its normal to not see anything yet.

I also have a pelvic exam. My cervix is closed - and I am free of common STD's.

Then the blood results come back. My HcG is 47 - I am indeed pregnant! The doctor writes a prescription for me to have a repeat blood draw in two days - to verify the pregnancy is continuing and not in the wrong place.

Two days go by, and I have the repeat blood work. My numbers are 174! Perfect, better than perfect. Another two days go by, and I have another blood draw. This time my numbers are 398 - perfect again! We're finally pregnant.

[RawrDiino]

September 28th, 2009

I am now 8 weeks 6 days pregnant. Since September 6th I have been dealing with non-stop out-of-control vomiting. I lose 16 pounds, and then Monday September 21st - I am admitted into the hospital for treatment of Hyperemesis Gravidarum (hyperemesis.org).

I spend 5 days in the hospital. Go home - heavily medicated with Zofran orally dissolving tablets, Reglan, Phenergan, Vitamin B6, all for nausea. I am also being medicated for a new-found Anxiety - with Haldol. My feelings on Haldol are insecure. Over the counter medications are Prenatal Vitamins and Colace - as I have not had a BM in over 8 days.

When I return home things are going well. Other than the severe Anxiety and panic I seem to have constantly, I am keeping food, and my medications down. Until September 27th. I develop a severe migraine - and by 7 that afternoon I am back to vomiting. I attune this to the migraine, and blow it off.

Now my anxiety is catching up to me. I am wishing this pregnancy away. I want my baby, now, healthy and in my arms and I want to skip the next 31 weeks. I feel bad for this, like a bad mother. I would never wish harm to my baby - but I am starting to think about harming myself. Not KILLING myself, only harming. Something I used to do as a child. These are merely THOUGHTS - and I would never act on them, and it is bothering me that I am having these thoughts again. I worry that I am becoming too ill to handle on my own. I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, and trouble falling asleep. I feel weak, even when I do keep food down because now I can only tolerate very small portions. I eat as much as a small child would, and even then feel entirely full all the time.
I post, to my close friends, the wonderful women of JustMommies - about how anxious I am feeling. I ask them if I am a terrible mother - if I am a terrible person for feeling the way I do - for wishing my pregnancy to be over with. Their words are ultimately reassuring.

I go to bed, arise the next morning - and start as I do every morning - with a Zofran ODT.

When I take the rest of my medication, it becomes evident shortly after that I am still sick. I spend the day rushing to the bathroom. I realize that I am able to tolerate a half-a-cup of liquids for about 30 minutes before vomiting it - but that as soon as I eat anything solid I am running to the bathroom. Have I become allergic to food?

920 pm, September 28th. I run to the bathroom to be sick. For the first time this entire pregnancy - and hopefully the only time - I do not make it to the toilet. I spew all over the floor, and the wall. I make it to the toilet, and continue to heave. I am crying now - hysterical. John heard the vomit hit the floor - and made it to the restroom quickly.

Then - he does the sweetest thing he has ever done for me. While I continue to puke, cry, and strip out of my puke ridden clothes. While I clean my face, and my hand, then vomit some more. While I cry hysterically and apologize over and over again - John cleans up my vomit.

I am a grown woman - and my fiance loves me so much that he will clean up MY vomit. I am so lucky and blessed to have him. Thank you god - because if it were not for him - I would not make it through this tough - long - journey that is ahead of me.

So this journal - that I am starting tonight on the night of September 28th, shortly after my fiance cleaned up my vomit - washed my clothes, and helped me calm down from my hysteria - is going to be about just those things. OUR journey through this tough, exhausting pregnancy. OUR journey to the beautiful, vibrant, bouncing bundle of joy we're going to have in just 31 weeks.

My journey - the suffering, the pain, and even the (few) good times.
Johns journey - watching me suffer, helping me through it, and suffering with me, and even the good times.
And my sons journey - because he is part of this too. And I know he misses his mommy already - even though I am still here.

So now that I'm crying - I'll leave tonight's entry at this. Thank you dear lord - you have blessed me with a loving family and caring friends. You have blessed me with the opportunity to bear life yet again, and for all these things I am forever grateful for. Just please - help me survive this pregnancy.