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Dh went to a batchelor party last night. I was fine with it - even though dirty strippers were brought to the party.
dh was being dropped off by a wife of one of our friends. It was about 730.
I didn't say a word or talk to him until about midnight. I just text if he was having fun. He called like 40 mins later and said he and another guy were walking down the hill to the bar to drink because the party was out of beer.
He was headed there with people I trust. I asked well who are you going home with now?
in my crazy head, I picture all the ways he can get hurt getting home if I am not picking him up.
He said such and such is coming, and then their gf is taking them home to sleep. Okey fine with that. The gf is sober. cool
About 145 - yes still out - and dh KNOWS I don't sleep when he isnt home. Dh calls at 145 and says the lights just came on, I am going to such and such's and I will call when I get there... Ok cool. Once he calls I know I can go to bed.
at 3 am, I still get no call. the distance from the bar to the house is five minutes max.
I call -no answer. so I call the other two guys he is to be with and no answer from either of them. Finally he calls me, I hear bar music and crazy noise - I said where the hell are you? he was very nonchalaunt and said oh we went to blah blah after hours bar.
I said and you couldnt text me that? It has been over and hour and my pregnant behind has been worried sick since I couldnt get in touch with anyone and who knows if your driving plans have changed and you are in a car with someone drinking.
So he starts YELLING at me at the bar to come and get him then that he didnt realize he had to fax me his agenda.
I said you @sshole, I don't want you agenda but when you tell me you are going right home and it has been over and hour and I get no call, I start to worry. So I hang up on him.
He text me ten mins later saying Im in the car going to his house... two more seconds later he send me another text - still driving.
then another we are here.
I hit the roof. I said you know what - if you don't want to be responsible for sharing your whole life with me - then maybe you should be single. I know plenty of guys that would kill to have someone care and love them so much to worry where they are and that they are safe. I also said you are 29, and MARRIED - you bet your sweet @ss I should know where my HUSBAND is at three oclock in the morning. and to boot - you are not even staying at your own house. This isnt a boys sleep over. You should be coming home at night.
He gives me - I don't know what you want me to say.
I said you could start with you are sorry for acting like a jerk.
I got nothing in response - pretty sure he passed out.
Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Am I wrong for flipping out when he gets home. I am not trying to control him but at least have teh common courtesey to tell me where the hell you are... I was like this before I got pregnant - so you know it is going to be worse with all these hormones...
I'd be upset, more than upset probably. My DH is going to a bachelor party at some point for his friend in the near future and I already told him go but he needs to come home that night.
I would be really mad too!! I would not have it, I would have said where r u I'm on my way! But really I would have said oh strippers will be there?? Then you certainly will not!! And that's how that would go! Men. They are f'n retards sometimes! Like you aren't 21 anymore, grow up!
I don't think you are being unreasonable...but in dh's defense, had had been cutting loose, drinking, probably doesn't get out much so if this was a one wild and crazy night and he won't have anything like it again for a LONG time I would get over it quicker. If this were like a weekly thing, I would be sooooo done with it. I totally get on my dh's case though too when he is out and doesn't let me know where he is and when he is coming home and STICK TO IT! He pretty much knows better than that now though after similar night to the one you had.
I would be upset too but in the end I'd just let it go. People get drunk and selfish and life moves on. I also find, personally, that in circumstances like this I often look for "mistakes" dh makes as an excuse to pick fights and make a big deal because of my own jealousy issues. In the end, my marriage is worth more than a fight about a night out. Don't get me wrong, I'd still be pissed too, but I'd just let it go at an apology.
This type of behavior has happened before, and I never got an apology. It is now 1200 and he still isnt home and hasnt called. i text him and he capital lettered me "IM AT MY PARENTS"
I would be furious. I would sit down today with his most-likely hungover self and let him tell me how he would feel if I was out at a bachelorette party and pull the stunts that he did.
Although I probably would be pretty harsh. We don't really go out and party or anything like that, so if my DH did something like that- it would be really unlikely But I still would have to have a serious talk about it.
Drunk or not- A husband should not talk to his wife that way, especially when you weren't trying to pry or be nosy- It was 3 AM and you were worried sick and surely exhausted! I don't think you were wrong in freaking out. I hope he is open to listening to you, hun.. I know i'd still be angry in the morning.
I think part of being an adult is not getting smashed, ya know? I mean I"m all for going out with friends, having a good time, having a few drinks, but getting out of control like that? That is where I, personally, draw the line. My husband had a night out like that recently and I was PISSED.
Wow. It sounds like he started out with decent intentions and did contact you to let you know what was up to -- until it became so late (3am) that he was probably getting too drunk to coherently consider the importance of letting you know. And with the increased intoxication comes the lack of sensitivity and inability to think properly before he speaks (yells). While this is good because it's not his regular personality, it is also BAD that it came to this and he allowed the gremlin loose. He needs to start thinking about how to prevent things from getting to that point in the future.
I know each marriage is different and I don't know what's happened in your past, but if it were my DH, I would have been angry but more hurt. You do have the right to be upset. However, it won't help the situation to yell at each other now. What I would do is sit down calmly and tell him progression of emotions & feelings you had last night. Make a list and only start with the words "I felt ..." instead of "You.." This way he will be less defensive and can therefore see your perspective more clearly. Gently ask him how he would have felt if you had done the same thing and left him at home. At this point, it's all about communication to help ensure he understands how it impacts you and the marriage. You could also ask him what he was getting out of it - what was his payoff? Maybe he is having some anxiety or feelings about having a baby that are a bit frightening and this was his way of decompressing for one of the last times before baby comes? A guy won't always come out and say it upfront but there's possibly more to it than him just being a total selfish jerk having a night on the town without his wife. Of course, that's what it ended up being, but do you really think that was his intention when he left the house? I doubt it! Something went wrong along the way and now is the time to find out where it went wrong and how to prevent it from happening again.
Calm, healthy communication is the way to go now.
Good luck. Keep us posted ok?
I would be very upset & DH has done this before but at the beginning of our relationship, it bugged the h3ll out of me then I can't even imagine what I would feel like now...married & pregnant. But I agree with anickel at this point its about calm healthy communication.
Can I ask, why he had to sleep at his friends house? Why didn't he come home instead?
He couldnt come home because its a 20 min drive to our house from the party and no one was willing to bring him home. In my eyes if you have no one to get you, you should only drink a few wait a few hours, then drive when you are sure those two beers have passed. I dont like him spending the night away from our house, but since he said he was going to a friends, I was ok with it.
He should never have needed to stay out all night. He isnt even close friends with this kid to be out that late. I dont care that he goes out, as long as he acts responsibly, which he never does.
My dh isn't a big drinker, so that exact thing couldn't happen, but I could so see something similar happening, they just have no clue, men are stupid.
Wow. It sounds like he started out with decent intentions and did contact you to let you know what was up to -- until it became so late (3am) that he was probably getting too drunk to coherently consider the importance of letting you know. And with the increased intoxication comes the lack of sensitivity and inability to think properly before he speaks (yells). While this is good because it's not his regular personality, it is also BAD that it came to this and he allowed the gremlin loose. He needs to start thinking about how to prevent things from getting to that point in the future.
I know each marriage is different and I don't know what's happened in your past, but if it were my DH, I would have been angry but more hurt. You do have the right to be upset. However, it won't help the situation to yell at each other now. What I would do is sit down calmly and tell him progression of emotions & feelings you had last night. Make a list and only start with the words "I felt ..." instead of "You.." This way he will be less defensive and can therefore see your perspective more clearly. Gently ask him how he would have felt if you had done the same thing and left him at home. At this point, it's all about communication to help ensure he understands how it impacts you and the marriage. You could also ask him what he was getting out of it - what was his payoff? Maybe he is having some anxiety or feelings about having a baby that are a bit frightening and this was his way of decompressing for one of the last times before baby comes? A guy won't always come out and say it upfront but there's possibly more to it than him just being a total selfish jerk having a night on the town without his wife. Of course, that's what it ended up being, but do you really think that was his intention when he left the house? I doubt it! Something went wrong along the way and now is the time to find out where it went wrong and how to prevent it from happening again.
Calm, healthy communication is the way to go now.
Good luck. Keep us posted ok?
This is exactly what I wanted to say. I know in the past and beginning of our relationship I was worried about him possibly getting hurt or in the car w/someone who wasn't AS drunk as he was, blah blah blah, but over the years I've figured out that all I have to do is tell him before he leaves that whatever time of night it is to call me if he needs a ride home and just leave it at that. Not that it makes a difference, but my husband is 15years older than me and knows better to pull that "ok, I'll keep you posted where I'm at" cr@p. lol On nights like that I usually call up a friend and we hang out to keep me from worrying. He also knows that we have a 4yo daughter at home and if I have to wake her up in the middle of the night to come bail his *****, I'm gonna be pi$$ed!
DH has done something similar before and while I was p*ssed off, I did not flip out on him when he got home. He knew I was upset and we talked about it. I was not pregnant at the time though so I can't say how I'd react if he did that to me now, especially the faxing his agenda part.
*hugs*
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Last edited by SpydrMnky27; January 24th, 2010 at 03:47 PM.
I would be pissed too - but my ex husband used to do stuff like that all the time. he would say he was going to the bar to play pool and at 4am still would not be home - ALL the bars in our town close at 2am and we are only 10 min apart - then i would find out after the bar closed they went to some party at someones house. Then he got into this big thing od well he didnt need to know where I was all the time. So a few times he got mad at me cause I would go shopping with my mom and we would go out to dinner - so I just didnt tell him until I got home and he asked what was for dinner I would just say IDK mom and I went out to dinner - he eventually learned to call.
I would definitely be pissed, and I don't blame you for being pissed...for me though, if DH has been drinking, I find it easier to confront him about things in the morning, once he has sobered up...when people are drunk they say irrational stupid things, that they probably wouldn't say if they weren't drunk!!
I hope that DH is home now, and you have been able to talk to him about it.
ARE YOU KIDDING? I would be LIVID. First of all my DF would not be allowed to go to a party with strippers. Then to go off @ all hours of the night while I am sitting home and pregnant......nope wouldn't happen. If it did I can't even say how angry I would be.........
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Shelly (24) Daddy Jeremy (29) been together since Sept 15th 2006. Parents to DD Phoenix Madisyn (4/06) &Welcoming our newest addition Chance Austin our 34 week preemie...
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