[hey there elizabeth]

Since I was about 12 I've been diagnosed Bipolar. maybe it was a little later, but It started coming out then.
at 11 my mom had just taken me from an abusive household with my stepfather, and two half brothers.
Now they're divorced, boys still are in joint custody.

As my teen years started, things got worse. Being in an abusive household I never learned to be "close" to anyone. Not my mom, at all. And If i tried with my brothers, I got in severe trouble. (I was hated by my stepfather)

So being 13, and 14, 15 even really was my whole world going topsy turvy. I had several hospitalizations and there was constant pain in my heart. There is alot more to this part.
I was put on a few different medications, but my emotions always ran deeper than any doctor could attribute them.

My main target was my mom. It was her ignorance that set a fire inside me, that I havent still completely put out. She was also my main trigger.

I'm now 17, on NO medication and have not been hospitalized since 08 i think. And that time was I asked for it, to get me away from everything.

& I honestly feel MUCH better. I am 100% happier now that I am pregnant. Although, people knowing I'm bipolar makes their thoughts go to that, anytime I'm mad. Which is not true, my current boyfriend has never actually seen an "episode" while he thinks he has.

But, my dream last night, all my progress was gone. I went after my mom. Which Im pretty sure the reason was no that I'm having a child, I don't see how she could do that to me.
In alot of ways, I feel like she gave me up for her other two children.
(at my stepfathers I lived in my room about 8 of the 10 years of the marriage. by force. Any time I was out, I just got in trouble..which was worse than isolation)

But in this dream, she called a service of some sort on me, so when i came back out of my room after her, and they took my boyfriend from me, told me he was leaving and I couldn't talk to him for a while. This made things worse.
The dream ended with me strapped down to a bed and 7 months pregnant.
(I have never been strapped down at a hospital, in life tho)
& they were talking about how I had no chance at keeping my child after birth

It shook me alot.

Does anyone else have anything that they had to overcome? Something that other people or even you may think could make you a bad mom?



thanks for reading...this post is long...

[Momeejenjen]

First, I have been dealing with a bipolar spouse and doing a lot of research, my first piece of advice for you, if you are a true bipolar patient (extreme highs and lows) often times have an episode (your highs typically causing you to over indulge in a task like nothing else matters) then I would HIGHLY suggest getting assistance NOW. When baby gets here it's going to ROCK your world. Most women suffer from PPD (post partum depression) please don't think you will be one of the lucky few that don't get it... I'm probably one of the most bubbly upbeat people you will ever meet and I even suffered from it. That stage in your life can cause you to spiral, not to mention the lack of sleep can trigger an episode... you don't need that while dealing with a new born.

IMO Bipolar patients need to be on medication.. even when things seem great, at any minute an episode can hit and they have NO CONTROL over it. I never knew my DH was capable of such insane acts until I saw his episodes in full swing and they just came on so quickly, one minute he was PERFECTLY fine.

I highly urge you to get in to a phsyciatrist and psycologist asap, make sure you are prepared and understand what you are facing.

I wish you the best and if you need to talk or get some advice, I will be glad to help you with whatever I can... being the spouse of some one with bipolar disorder has been one of the most difficult things i've ever had to deal with.. I feel so helpless but my DH has been doing WONDERFUL with the right balance of medication, he admits that he is a different person while medicated.... a person he can deal with and understand.

[SweetSimpleThings]

Aw, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I don't have anything quite like that, but I did have post-partum depression after my first was born, and I sometimes think that everyone that knew about it is walking on eggshells to see if it will happen again, ya know?

I do also have a very upsetting/emotional situation with my best friend - we had a major falling out a year and a half ago, and rarely speak. I think about it constantly, and have terrible dreams about it. I know that's not the same thing at all, but I do know a bit of what it feels like to be sort of haunted in dreams by things ....

Hugs to you....

[kimmiejo]

awww sweetie I am sorry! HUGS! I don't have anything specific like that but as most mothers do I worry about all of my shortcomings and how they will impact my daughter and future son. All of my personality flaws, etc. I think for me the biggest worry I have is in regards to body image and food, I haven't always had a good body image or a healthy relationship with food and I worry that will somehow rub off on my daughter, it is one of my biggest fears. I try very hard to not make any negative comments regarding my body i.e being fat, etc in front of her even at her young age I don't want her to hear those things.....HUGS to you!

[hey there elizabeth]

Medication makes me worse. it causes me to be emotionless, or have psychotic episodes. Both on the same med.
I have tried about 4 different meds over the years.


And honestly I'm starting to think its the wrong diagnosis.
They diagnosed me with it without ever knowing what was behind it.

Im planning on seeing a therapist, but not my psychologist really. Unless there is a medication that can be taken for "when it hits" and not just all the time.

Personally I do NOT believe in medication anyway. Never have. I'm the type of person to suffer through a headache, or try and sweat out a fever unless it gets to be too much for me to handle.
I believe in my body more so than any doctor.

With that being said, I have dealt with this bipolar/manic depression for a longggg while.
I can actually attribute the depression part back to being 10 years old.
7 long years later, I refuse to let it have hold on me.
As much as bipolar is a disorder, it is in my own brain.
Which I do believe I have control over, I refuse to believe I'm helpless at my own mercy.

I have not had an "episode" of either type in over a year. I don't remember my last one.

I will be seeing a therapist though, Like I said above, for PPD, more so prevention, or just in case, whatever, after my son is born, and maybe before hand too.

Ive seen over 7 therapist/psychologist
been in several studies.
tried 4 types of medication,
and nothing works better for me than to believe in myself
and try my best to put it in God's hands.

[Momeejenjen]

I wondered as soon as I read your first post if maybe you were misdiagnoised... Bipolar disorder is extreme and VERY obious... I wonder if many you are more manic instead of bipolar. I wish you the very best.

[LOUSEE]

I honestly believe that doctors today over medicate and misdiagnose all the time.

Bipolar is the new Manic... I think is very sad. I myself have suffered from depression and it is not easy or to be taken lightly...

That being said, I honstly believe those who truely suffer from Manic Dep or bipolar disorder is due to a chemical inbalance that your body produces or does not produce. I would keep in mind that right now with you being pregnant your body is producing alot more hormones and other chemcials in a higher quanity than before so you might be feeling 'normal' (not the best term sorry) or even joyous, but when you body stops producing these checmical and/or hormones in such quantities you might start having trouble again.

I highly doubt that you are bipolar, you were diagnosed so long ago and at such an early age... You are still young and you are still going to learn so much more about yourself, the person you are now, and the person you will be... and it is going to happen even more quickly with you becoming a mother (which isnt a bad thing). I would just take things one day at a time and be honest with yourself and your boyfriend...

[hey there elizabeth]

Lol thank you, and my boyfriend as sad as it is to say, is the least of my worries.
He is very ignorant and jumps to conclusions like someone lite his bum on fire.
Sweet for the most part tho.
lol

I do think that being pregnant "leveled me out"
and I have said twice already I will be seeing a therapist after birth, and probably start before.

As for medication, I really just honestly dont want to believe I need medication to be the best me I can be.
and I dont want to hide behind a prescription the rest of my life.
I'm stubborn, yeah.

[Kaija]

I was misdiagnosed with bipolar when I was fourteen. A year before that my father had died from terminal cancer. I was my fathers main caregiver when he was ill and had to grow up fast. It messed me up.

I totally know what you are saying when you say you don't want to be medicated. I was put on pills when I was twelve.. Nothing worked. Everything either made me feel suicidal or made me feel like a zombie. I didn't cry for 5 years.

I went through many drugs trials, hospitalizations in the best facilities in the country, and therapists that had no idea what to do. They based all the therapies on my 'bipolar' diagnosis and they kept falling short.

Then I hit another rough patch.. My mom had been sentenced to 5 years in prison for embezzling money from her company. (We had NO idea.) I went to live with my Aunt and she was VERY proactive with my treatment. It wasn't until I was 16 that they finally re-diagnosed me with simple clinical depression. They backed off and I got better.

I think the most of my issues stemmed from not being able to live my childhood the way I should have. I simply had to be an adult at a young age. I wasn't ready for it. I have been off the meds for almost 4 years (YAY!) and although I know i'm at a higher risk for PPD, I feel like I know enough about how I feel when I get depressed.

Even though I don't want to.. You bet your butt i'll be reevaluated when this baby comes. I hate doing it, but my child needs a mommy around!

Anyway. I don't know if that helps but I hope it does. I'm here to chat if you need to. If I were you i'd look into being rediagnosed, just to clear the air.. I'm glad you are doing better hun. Theres so many people that struggle, it really warms my heart to know that people are out there that are doing okay.


Edited to add-

To answer your questions, YES. My Mom is out of prison and in my life again. She is seriously the LAST person that you would have expected to have done what she did.. She's so excited to be a grandma and has her life on track.. She's a different person now.

I had a horrible life ten years ago.. but i'm so different now. Everyone says I should write a book someday.

[josie_24]

Just to add my two cents, bipolar is not always obvious, and there are two types of bipolar-one where manic episodes are primary and the other where depression is primary. I'm not trying to counter anyone or argue but no two people with bipolar disorder look a like and I have also seen many people have the paradoxical effects on meds that cause them to become psychotic or get worse. ESPECIALLY people who are in late teens and early twenties. It's touchy for meds. I will say though, I wouldn't discount all meds because of the four you have tried.

I DEFINITELY recommend seeing a therapist ASAP BEFORE baby is here and NOT waiting til after. I would find someone that comes HIGHLY recommended and maybe get a full evaluation done so you are sure of the diagnosis because at the age you were diagnosed is VERY difficult to make that harsh of a diagnosis, and IMHO should NOT be made in a 12 year old at ALL.

I hope you find the support you need and please please please do not feel like a bad mom just because of your disease. BUT please get help sooner than later.

[Gaby&Emmy'sMama]

Though I've not battled bipolar, I do have depression & an anxiety disorder... started when I was 18.. went undiagnosed until I was 24... worst 6 years of my life... was put on prozac.. went off after around 10 months - huge mistake, ended up having an emotional breakdown... awesome, especially with a young child! Went back on the meds... got back on track... got pregnant.. and much to my surprise I have been fine and I hope that I continue to be... I did go through a rocky time when I was in my relationship with Emersyn's father, but after we broke up, I felt very emotionally balanced, and happier than I'd been in a long time.....

I do worry that I am going to get PPD this time - because of the added pressure of having a 3yo, along with a newborn.. or that if it isn't PPD, that my depression is going to creep back up on me.....

[caitie_pie]

I don't think you've been around long enough to see the posts where I mentioned that this pregnancy actually happened out of rape.

I got pregnant from an ex. Obviously who doesn't know the meaning of the word no. To this day I'm not sure if he really doesn't understand that what he did was wrong or he's just being a jerk.
However I did go through the first 4 months of my pregnancy crying, stressed out and just hating myself. At first I thought abortion but that is just not who I am. Next I thought adoption. My husband didn't want me to, he has really been a lot of my strength in all of this. After going through all those thoughts and finally settling on keeping her, I just don't want her to ever know that I had them... I'm just not sure if it's avoidable.
I have had nightmares about being raped again... And my husband is in Iraq right now so it's especially scary because I don't really have anyone to turn to.

That's why I really love this forum because it's made me love this pregnancy despite the way that it came about. Even though I do have a tendency to shut people out when I'm extremely stressed, I'm glad I came here and got so involved. The ladies here are great!

[tasheroo]

My family doctor thinks I am bipolar. She was very upset with me when I told her I was pregnant. She thought I should have terminated the pregnancy. I have not been diagnosed bipolar, she just thinks I am. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder though. Which is similar to bipolar without the major highs and lows. I have also had PPD after each pregnancy. Like you, I am so much happier and have no depression while I am pregnant.
I was told by my OB that I could go off my meds during the pregnancy as long as I wasn't having any depression issues but I need to start seeing a psychiatrist before I have the baby so that I can start meds right after the birth to avoid any major problems.
My borderline personality disorder came from my reactive attachment disorder I had when I was younger. I am not trying to diagnose you. But you should look up borderline personality disorder if you have symptoms similar to that of bipolar. I was actually taking meds that were helping up until I got pregnant. I had only been on them for a couple months, but once the doctors finally figure out the right diagnosis for me and treated that I have felt better.

[tasheroo]

Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder | Psych Central
Here is a website that explains what Borderline Personality Disorder is.

[Mom.to.PinknBlue]

I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 12. A few years ago I was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. Granted I don't see it but everyone else does!
I know exactly how you feel. If you need to talk feel free to PM anytime.
I am currently unmedicated after being forced to back on them and deciding it wasn't working for me.
Some days are great, some days are not. And I do constantly have to check my emotions and behaviors. If I am tired or stressed it becomes very difficult...

I'm here if you need to talk love!

[sassybtsweet]

I was misdiagnosed with bipolar, when i actually have borderline personality disorder. Its more common than you think, because the two have alot of similar attributes, but...the trauma you went through when you were so young, suggest Borderline to me, in which case nothing they give you for bipolar is likely to work...

It didnt for me...*IM* the one who brought it up to my doctor that i felt misdiagnosed, and that from what i was reading, borderline fit me better. They were complete ******* ******** who "didnt see what i was talking about" but they decided to 'trust' me and gave me the medicine they do for borderline usually, and i felt unbelieveably better.

I too, have huge issues with my mother. I feel she is also a huge trigger..one of the top two biggest....sometimes mothers dont realize the kind of power they hold over a child with the cruel and mean things they can say to them, or do to them..and as borderlines, we cant handle it. We're basically more emotionally sensitive than the average person, stress affects us worse, relationship changes etc affect us worse.

I would suggest talking to your doctor about borderline over bipolar....The good news is that sometimes medicine WILL make a borderline worse, which is why they actually say the best medicine is lots of therapy and this 'workbook' i've been looking up on. It helps you manage your stress levels, your unresolved anger, gives you a place to vent, basically. Teaches you life skills to dealing with situations you feel overwhelmed in, or emotionally torn down.

Its why i refuse medication. Nothing worked, but the one thing i did..it still made me sick to my stomach, and i couldnt imagine being on pills the rest of my life..f*ck that. I'll take my workbook any day! LOL

[sassybtsweet]

any of this sound familiar?

8. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

* Splitting: the self and others are viewed as "all good" or "all bad." Someone with BPD said, "One day I would think my doctor was the best and I loved her, but if she challenged me in any way I hated her. There was no middle ground as in like. In my world, people were either the best or the worst. I couldn't understand the concept of middle ground."
* Alternating clinging and distancing behaviors (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me). Sometimes you want to be close to someone. But when you get close it feels TOO close and you feel like you have to get some space. This happens often.
* Great difficulty trusting people and themselves. Early trust may have been shattered by people who were close to you.
* Sensitivity to criticism or rejection.
* Feeling of "needing" someone else to survive
* Heavy need for affection and reassurance
* Some people with BPD may have an unusually high degree of interpersonal sensitivity, insight and empathy

Miscellaneous attributes of people with BPD:

* People with BPD are often bright, witty, funny, life of the party.

* They may have problems with object constancy. When a person leaves (even temporarily), they may have a problem recreating or remembering feelings of love that were present between themselves and the other. Often, BPD patients want to keep something belonging to the loved one around during separations.

* They frequently have difficulty tolerating aloneness, even for short periods of time.

* Their lives may be a chaotic landscape of job losses, interrupted educational pursuits, broken engagements, hospitalizations.

* Many have a background of childhood physical, sexual, or emotional abuse or physical/emotional neglect.

[hey there elizabeth]

Im not really sensitive.
to anything but my freaking mom.

like to be honest, I couldn't care less about my boyfriend.
Which I think has something to do with being pregnant.
I don't trust his judgment on ANYTHING regarding our son.
In my mind, he is 15 and hasn't even completed sex ed.
I have very strong beliefs on how to care for & raise a child.
I'm already strongly AP (attachment parenting) but I'm also kinda educational Nazi??
Like I believe in no television under two
Books being read to them as early as a few months
I believe in educating them on anything & everything you possibly can, for the time they're born, until forever!!!
Teaching them 1. its fun to learn and 2. They CAN be smart

will help them in all aspects of life.
And I cannot say that for my SO.

He thinks its okay to let your child give up. And that it doesn't matter about what they watch, hear etc.

And he doesn't even believe in good nutrition! Just because he doesn't have it, ITS NOT IMPORTANT TO OUR CHILD???????

All this has made me completely COLD to him. I do NOT care if he is there for any if at all.
I won't prevent him, but I feel like he's going to undermine me.

I know that was kinda off topic, but really the whole abandonment/attachment issues, I don't think I have at all.

I'm a narcissist, and would prefer to do everything on my own, if anything.

Also, not sensitive to rejection, unless its about my family. I get HIGHLY aggravated if it involves my family.