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What are your deepest emotional feelings on TTCAL?


Pregnancy Loss & TTCAL Info Spot

Information on pregnancy loss, grief, coping, ttcal & more.

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  #1  
February 25th, 2010, 10:12 AM
Celena's Avatar Proud JM hostess
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Please share your deepest feelings about trying to conceive after a loss...
(or your basic ones, if you you feel comfortable to)

I know sometimes that is hard, but it can be so healing at the same time. Like a load of weights have been lifted off of our shoulders and at the same time.

We know we have allot of ladies that come here to "read" getting support that way, then coming to post... when they're ready they will, but perhaps if each of us (feels comfortable enough to) share some of or all of our feelings, deepest emotional ups, downs, worries, excitments of TTCAL maybe we'll help someone? or allot of ladies?

It's a tough road... but it's so rewarding and I think out of ANYONE we appreciate the life the most!
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  #2  
February 25th, 2010, 10:19 AM
SuperMartianRobotMom6's Avatar Proud Mama & Happy Wife
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Honestly, I feel nervous about telling people again.... Im kind of expecting a bad reaction.. Like yea well you were just pregnant before... I want a baby I just wish no one had to find out about it. Im so worried that everyone wont feel like theyre able to celebrate because of my previous loss. I dont know what to expect.. Im scared, but determined.
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  #3  
February 25th, 2010, 11:11 AM
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Some of my excitements...

Using the new CBE fertility monitor I just got in the mail yesterday! It has such a great success rate that I feel like it might be way better than the opk's & temp/charting. From what I've read inside the packaging it says it has a 99% success rate lab tested.

Tracking the days until O day, seems like at the beginning of a cycle I'm a bit more optimistic all the way thru until about a day or so after O.

I have gotten a teensy excited when I've seen that second line pop up on a test, then to poas to read the digital words saying pregnant. (of course then reality sets in and I become a terrified mess hyperventillating) When DH see's it he has been so excited... now it's going to take a beating heart on the u/s monitor to conjure up those EXCITED giddiness he gets.

Cannot wait to go thru 9 months with my DH... (I only dreamed of it during this last pregnancy) he's going to be such a sweet papi to me and when I go into labor. Could definitely see him being calm after a quick panic... but to see him crying holding our baby(ies) would be the greatest reward. Knowing we were finally able to bring our healthy baby into our family, into our ARMS just pushes that drive to get back on the TTCAL journey that we've come so far thru. That dream is going to become our REALITY, there is a baby in our framily's future... (wish I *knew* this for sure. nothing is ever for sure)

Most of my fears...

Worries about having another loss, each time I've been emotionally different and changed forever. None of them have been the same except in the fact they've all been before 12 weeks... like my body is pregnancy-challenged. I'm afraid that if I do get pregnant it will be like giving my little bean no quality of life even inside of me because I've had so much trouble keeping them when I have gotten pregnant.

I've been sorta disappointed of getting to that 2 year mark which is a few days more than a month away. Then it took 15 or so cycles before the first pregnancy and then within 7 months of that first time, I've been pg 3 times and lost all 3 of those little ones of ours. Afraid of how long it will take, of what IS wrong, of finding out something... but at the same time just that knowing might make me less "pregnancy-challenged" and finally get to hold a healthy baby that DH & I have made from our love!

My mother is another story... she has NEVER been excited for me when I have told her that I was pregnant. Each time my heart always wants to tell her... see she's never gone thru any losses. Her sister and mother both have had stillborns. She just doesn't understand what we've gone thru and she's to the point where she doesn't ever want us to try.
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Last edited by Celena; February 25th, 2010 at 07:12 PM.
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  #4  
February 25th, 2010, 11:54 AM
Isabelle's Avatar 3 Princes & 1 Princess
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I'm feeling emotional about my age. Just stressing over the fact that I'm 41. I feel like I'm 21. It scares me to be 41 and TTC. But not scared enough to let it win
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  #5  
February 25th, 2010, 12:07 PM
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My fear is that my weight had something to do with my loss. I know there are women out there bigger than I am having babies but still makes me wonder if I caused it by being obese. It wont make us stop trying but Its one of my biggest fears.
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  #6  
February 25th, 2010, 12:47 PM
stephjp's Avatar TTC our first miracle
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I am mostly afraid that I might have to go through this again. I am afraid of having to feel all the emotional pain and heartache both from me and DH. Next time I dont want to tell anyone until I am further along. And sometimes I fear that the next time I go to the doctor's office b/c I am pg that history will just repeat itself in the actual visits itself. That would be very painful. I just dont want to hurt and I dont want to think about where I could be in a pg anymore than this one time.
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  #7  
February 25th, 2010, 12:58 PM
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I guess my biggest fear is, like many of you, that it will happen again. Other fears are that I will keep my pregnancy a distance from my emotions so that I'm not hurt so badly all over again, and not enjoy what should be the most exciting 9 months I've ever experienced. Knowing that people around me won't be able to be as excited next time around stinks too.

I'm also kind of worried about how long it might take to get pregnant again. Before my first pregnancy we were NTNP, and we'd just let it happen when it happened. Well, one month later I got a BFP. One month after that it was all over. Now that I've been pregnant, I'm in a "have to get pregnant again NOW" mentality, which I tried to tell myself I wouldn't do. But here I am in my first 2WW post m/c and I'm driving myself nuts.
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  #8  
February 25th, 2010, 01:45 PM
Mommyx12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Like you all my biggest fear is having this happen again. I also fear that maybe I won't have any more babies. And then I feel a bit guilty because I have been blessed with 9 wonderful children. I don't think I would feel the strong urge to have another baby if I hadn't lost our last baby. We weren't really trying but not actively preventing but as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I wanted that baby. Sometimes even now I can't believe this has happened to us and wish I this would all be a bad dream and I would wake up.
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  #9  
February 25th, 2010, 02:03 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabelle View Post
I'm feeling emotional about my age. Just stressing over the fact that I'm 41. I feel like I'm 21. It scares me to be 41 and TTC. But not scared enough to let it win
I could have written that
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  #10  
February 25th, 2010, 02:20 PM
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It took me 3 years to even get pregnant. What if I never get to have children? That is my biggest fear. I had just come to terms with the possibility of never having children, now I'm afraid to even try again just to get a taste of what may never happen.
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Last edited by KAB; February 25th, 2010 at 02:22 PM.
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  #11  
February 25th, 2010, 02:58 PM
tobi4's Avatar Tobi
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Deepest feelings ...
Well, when I lost the first one, a little girl told me that there must have been something wrong with it and so god took it back to fix, and will give it back to me. Ive held on to that thought. And Im only 2 weeks past my 2nd m/c but I feel in such a rush, like was mentioned before. I just think, "Ok, give my baby back to me now!"
Im so afraid of losing another baby. I fear that my eggs are deteriorating (Im 39) and theres nothing I can do to stop it! And what if it takes a long time to conceive... we hadnt been actively trying, but Id been off the pill for a year and a half when we got preg.... And what about Downs Syndrome or one of the other terrifying complications that just keep adding up the older I get??
But the thought of having a new baby with my partner is more than enough to carry me through my fears. When we were pregnant, he was so excited, so happy. Then, when we lost it, my god, Ive never seen him so sad. I want and I need to see that excitement again. Hes going to be such an amazing dad. I see it in him with my own children and I know how much he loves them. To have one that is ours?.... I can not wait!
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  #12  
February 25th, 2010, 02:59 PM
tobi4's Avatar Tobi
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oops

Last edited by tobi4; February 25th, 2010 at 03:01 PM. Reason: posted twice! oops
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  #13  
February 25th, 2010, 03:45 PM
Celena's Avatar Proud JM hostess
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this may be stupid... but, I'm afraid of going thru menopause really early because I got my period just after my 9th birthday?

This past year in the fall I took all the kids for their yearly check-up, Pediatrician told me my step-DD isn't "develouping" yet and won't get her AF until 12 or so... so I told him how I got mine @ 9yr old would my biological DD get hers then or close to then. He said if she did she would go thru menopause very early. (that I am going to... your set amount of eggs, etc) stupid me started to cry, totally hid my face.
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  #14  
February 25th, 2010, 04:50 PM
EJsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My fear is that I have another loss like this even if the doctor said that same kind of loss that I had would not happen again. If I did something that I did that caused it to happen. I can't help my anatomy having double uterus (do not remember the term for it). That I will never be able to hold our baby in my arms and care for the little one. My biggest dream and hope is that we have a boy again. I do not mind a girl as either will be beautiful children (I guess I am biased). The reason a boy is that our family consists of girls only.
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  #15  
February 25th, 2010, 05:44 PM
JesSsica's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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It's hard to say, I'm just nervous-- period.

In 2000 and then in 2001 when I wanted to be pregnant, it just happened. Both times after one period happened. I peed on a stick, got the faintest positive you've ever seen, and told the world. No worries, no gut feelings about not wanting to tell, just happiness and spreading the news.

Naively I just assumed that's how it goes. WRONG!

My pregnancy with my dh now in 2009 was a total surprise. I missed a period, spotted for a morning, and my gut told me it was implantation spotting. It was! I got one single BFP and told the world again.

It went along very uneventfully actually. I didn't find out I lost the baby until my u/s. I had no gut feelings, no spotting, no cramping, nothing. It was a shock and blow to my confidence.

After one period post-D&C I got pregnant again. Easy-peesy, I felt back on track. People kept telling me, "You're healthy and you've had two healthy pregnancies. The odds of this happening again are nothing. You'll be fine". Then the bleeding started.

Now I just feel my body can't/won't/is unable to carry a baby to term anymore. The fact that we're both still so on the fence about having a child together at our ages (me almost 37, him almost 46) means we'll never take extreme measures to make sure we get a baby.

I never lost my baby weight from the first pregnancy and have gained a lot of weight after each loss just emotional eating. Part of me wants to scrap the baby idea and just be selfish and get my body back to how I'm comfortable. Part of me wants to give birth to an adorable, healthy baby so bad...

I guess my inner-most emotions on TTCAL is just plain confusion and loss of hope.
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  #16  
February 25th, 2010, 05:59 PM
ak_mommie_of_4's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My fear is that I got my hopes up that I am now able to have a baby (I had tubal then one grew back together so I have one functional tube) and I just won't be able to have a baby. That I will get pregnant and have another m/c. Scares me to death. I lost my twins at 14 weeks and then my last one at 7 weeks and I really have to say that is the scariest heart wrenching feeling in the world. I never want to go through that again, and it almost kept me from TTC again. I know I should be thankful and I am believe me, for having 4 healthy children, but they aren't who I am with now, 2 I had with my high school sweet heart and he turned out to be a POS and then my other two with my ex husband and now I have been with my man almost a year and I love him like I have never loved anyone else, and we want to have a baby. Going from thinking I can't have anymore kids at all, to being pregnant, to losing the baby all within 3 weeks of knowing was a total emotional rollercoaster. I was scared and shocked the first week and then I was was like on cloud 9 with happiness. Now its like depressing just thinking about it. I want a baby I just wish it came with a garantee of no m/c.
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  #17  
February 25th, 2010, 06:18 PM
RhiChiChi
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I have alot of different fears, but the biggest one is falling pg and m/c again. I have had 4 losses and have only got through them, never over them. Whilst I want to be happy and embrace pregnancy, I am terrified of going through another loss that I almost detach myself from the baby so I am not emotionally attached (IYKWIM)

Others fears:
That my weight (although I weigh less than when I fell pg with DD) is the issue for us not falling pg over the past 12 months.
That I haven't 'done' enough to ensure I am healthy enough for another baby - body & mind to fall pg again
That we waited too long to start out family
That there is an issue - whether blocked tubes or something like that has gone undetected and if fixed, I would be pg/already had # 2
That my DD will be an only child
That I am not a good enough mother to DD ands that is why I have not been blessed with another child
Peoples comments / questions when we are having another one & if we were not to, that I'd have to tell them of our infertility issues - feeling like a failure

So many issues & many more locked away.....
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  #18  
February 26th, 2010, 08:17 AM
Celena's Avatar Proud JM hostess
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Thank you for sharing ladies, my friends... it has been a good release as much as it is heartbreaking to read each others fears.

We will SURVIVE!
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  #19  
February 26th, 2010, 02:58 PM
martilynne's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm terrified that I've got bad eggs and all my babies will have trisomy 18. Our first two losses were both in the first trimester so I'm scared that those babies had trisomy 18 too and we didn't know it. I'm so angry that now not only do I have to be scared of miscarriage in the first trimester, now I have to be scared that my baby will make it to the second trimester but have a condition that is "incompatible with life".

I'm also worried about whether or not we will even be able to get pregnant again. We have gotten pregnant so easily before, what if it was all a fluke? Am I going to have to watch people around me have healthy babies for the rest of my life while I keep having losses?
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  #20  
April 8th, 2010, 05:55 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I'm worried something is wrong with me....When I lost Ella they tested me for everything under the sun and they found nothing...When I got pregnant again my doctor said it was next to zero that it would happen again...My baby was healthy and strong and then died, and I can't figure out what happend? I've had 4 healthy babies and then lost two...I can't help but wonder if something is wrong with me....I also feel guilty like i'm trying to replace my other baby...Of course i'm worried about this happening again and i'm sure when and if I get pregnant again my fear is going to be 100% worse than before.
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