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Miscarriage ~ Surviving Emotionally


Pregnancy Loss & TTCAL Info Spot

Information on pregnancy loss, grief, coping, ttcal & more.

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  #1  
March 17th, 2010, 10:11 PM
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Now that you have experienced a pregnancy loss you are probably feeling more sadness then you ever thought possible. Having a miscarriage can be very difficult. The emotional impact can usually take longer to heal than the physical impact. Allowing yourself to grieve the loss can help you come to accept it over time.

What are emotions I might feel after a miscarriage?
Women may experience a roller coaster of emotions such as numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness, depression, and difficulty concentrating. Even if the pregnancy ended very early, the sense of bonding between a mother and her baby can be strong. Some women even experience physical symptoms from their emotional distress. These symptoms include: fatigue, trouble sleeping, difficulty concentrating, loss of appetite, and frequent episodes of crying. The hormonal changes that occur after miscarriage may intensify these symptoms.

The Grief Process: What should I expect?


The grieving process involves three steps:

Step 1: Shock/Denial: "This really isn't happening; I've been taking good care of myself"

Step 2: Anger/Guilt/Depression: "Why me? If I would have..." "I've always wanted a baby so bad, this isn't fair. I feel sadness in my life now more then ever."

Step 3: Acceptance: "I have to deal with it, I'm not the only one who has experienced this. Other women have made it through this, maybe I should get some help."

Each step takes longer to go through than the previous one. There are unexpected and sometimes anticipated triggers that lead to setbacks. Examples of potential triggers include: baby showers, birth experience stories, new babies, OB/GYN office visits, nursing mothers, thoughtless comments, holidays, and family reunions.



How can I survive my pregnancy loss?

Respect your needs and limitations as you work through your grief and begin to heal. As you work through this difficult time:

Reach out to those closest to you. Ask for understanding, comfort and support.

Seek counseling to help both yourself and your partner. You don't have to face this alone.

Allow yourself plenty of time to grieve and the opportunity to remember.



How Women and Men Grieve Differently:

Generally women are more expressive about their loss, and more likely to seek support from others. Men may be more action-oriented, tend to gather facts and problem solve, and therefore often do not choose to participate in support networks that consist of sharing feelings. This does not mean he is not grieving. Often men bury themselves in work when they are grieving.

Parents experience different levels of bonding with a baby. The bond between a pregnant woman and the baby growing inside her is unique. A woman can begin bonding from the moment she has a positive pregnancy test. Bonding for the father may start as he experiences physical signs of the baby, such as seeing an ultrasound picture or feeling the baby kick. However, real bonding may not develop until after the baby is born. This is why men may seem less affected when the loss of the baby occurs early in pregnancy. These differences may cause strain in your relationship as you try to come to terms with the loss.


You can help your relationship to survive by:

Being respectful and sensitive of each other's needs and feelings.

Sharing your thoughts and emotions by keeping communication lines open.

Accepting differences and acknowledging each other's coping styles.


Understanding Your Healing Rights:

Healing doesn't mean forgetting or making the memories insignificant. Healing means refocusing.

You have the right to:

Know the facts about what happened and potential implications for the future. Seek answers to your questions, look at the medical records, and take notes.
Make decisions about what you would like to do with your maternity clothes and baby items. Others might try to make quick choices for you; instead use others to help you figure out what option is best for you.

Protect yourself by avoiding situations that you know will be difficult. Set realistic goals for yourself. For example, focus on coping through the day rather then the entire week.
Take time to grieve and heal. There is no set time allotment for healing nor is it something that can be rushed.

Receive support even though this may not be easy for you. If you feel out of control or overwhelmed, consider seeking help from a counselor, therapist or support group to help guide you through the grieving process.

Be sad and joyful. It is okay to feel sad at times but the key is to not let it control you. Others have survived their grief, and in time you will too. Do enjoyable things because laughter and joy are healers. Remember that celebrating bits of joy doesn't dishonor your loss.
Remember your baby. Healing doesn't mean forgetting or making the memories insignificant. You may want to name your baby. Some women find comfort by doing something tangible like planting a tree, selecting a special piece of jewelry with a birthstone, or donating to a charity. On the anniversary you may want to share a special time with your partner.


Helpful Web sites and Books:
Parents or other family members who have experienced the loss of a baby between conception and the first month of life can receive a free March of Dimes bereavement kit by contacting the Fulfillment Center at 1-800-367-6630 or at bkit@marchofdimes.com

Other Helpful Web sites:
MEND Home
pregnancy loss miscarriage of a at pain-heartache-hope.com
Angels in Heaven
Babyloss - a home on the web
about miscarriage support auckland

Helpful Books:
■Miscarriage: Women sharing from the Heart — by Shelly Marks, Marie Allen.
■Miscarriage: A Shattered Dream — by Sherokee Isle, Linda Hammer Burns
■Surviving Pregnancy Loss: A complete sourcebook for women and their families — by Rochelle Friedman and Bonnie Gradstein
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  #2  
January 15th, 2012, 06:30 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1
I am 22 years old and have been with my partner 5 years and have been trying for a baby since 2009! I since then have had 6 miscarriages in a row and am finding it very difficult to cope with as all my friends and family are having babies! Tests show there is no known reason for my losses! My furthest pregnancy was 12
Weeks 6 days! Where do I go from here?
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  #3  
January 21st, 2012, 09:27 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 3,577
So sorry Emzie22. It's really tough to go through. Thinking of you.
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  #4  
January 25th, 2012, 03:48 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1
Quote:
Originally Posted by emzie22 View Post
i am 22 years old and have been with my partner 5 years and have been trying for a baby since 2009! I since then have had 6 miscarriages in a row and am finding it very difficult to cope with as all my friends and family are having babies! Tests show there is no known reason for my losses! My furthest pregnancy was 12
weeks 6 days! Where do i go from here?
just read your story i really feel for you , i have miscarried today and it is my 14 th pregnancy, i am now at stage looking for answers, i really hope it happens for u soon
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  #5  
January 31st, 2012, 02:11 PM
MarlowesMum's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 2,401
Hi Emzie. It just seems so unfair sometimes, huh? I feel your pain; everywhere you look it seems like everyone (oftentimes people who SHOULDN'T be) is having babies except for you.

No doubt, what I'm about to share is stuff you've already done, but just to be safe...

Clearly, you've talked with your doctor extensively regarding these problems with conception. They've told you that there is no known reason. But have they tried testing your partner? I know several women who assumed that the problem was with them, only to (many months later) discover that their partner had a low sperm count which was accounting for the difficulty.

Otherwise, if it hasn't already been done, I think a referral to a fertility specialist is in order. At your age, it should not take that long to get pregnant.

I'm lucky enough to have had one DD already, without problem, but am having difficulty conceiving #2. 6 months of TTC and 1 m/c at 8 weeks (no baby - just a gestational sac...sigh) later, and still no luck. It took my mother 8 years and many m/c to conceive me after my sister and I'm so worried that this genetic predisposition is going to follow me. (I know that at 6 months and 1 m/c this is still a bit "dramatic" to go there...but I can't help myself.)

Wanting something so badly and understanding how very little you can do about it (apart from try, try again) is just extremely frustrating. Keep your head up, girl. We'll get there one way or another.
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  #6  
April 19th, 2012, 03:52 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 5
Oh, I am really sorry for you all, but maybe I can give you all a glimmer of hope. I mean, firstly, no one is alone with that problem - some gynecologists even assume that every couple could theoretically experience one miscarriage in the early weeks without even noticing it. Secondly, and from my own experience, there is always a chance to get pregnant and to become a mommy. The biggest problem after a loss is the psychological pressure which (literally) makes things not happen. It is so difficult to give you that advice, as it sounds so impossible but it led to success in my case: stop thinking about a baby!!! And suddenly things happen...woooops pregnant
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  #7  
September 14th, 2012, 10:31 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
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I don't know how they do it but have they tested any of your m/c for genetic abnormalities? My friend has a sister who has had 3 m/c none of them making it past 12 weeks. For whatever reason when she and her husband conceive the baby has an extra chromosome which causes the m/c. Their Dr.s couldn't figure out why it was happening.
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  #8  
November 23rd, 2012, 05:37 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1
I am having a hard time coming to terms that I lost the first baby I ever carried. After 9 and a half years of marriage w started ttc. The first month we got pregnant, and I was elated! Two weeks later I miscarried. This was two months ago, and I still cry every single day. I carried on my normal life, work, social gatherings, family time, intimate time with my husband, but every time I am alone I cry. When I see a mother and a child I get this emptiness in the pit of my stomach and a lump develops in my throat that I have to drink a sip of water to keep from reacting. My husband has no idea I am still taking it this hard. I try to be upbeat and cheerful, because we are still ttc, and I don't want him to think i can't handle it if we miscarry again. What should I do? I have no one to talk with about this, I am tired of the few that I have told, explain it away as it was "meant to be" or "it was only your first time, you have plenty of more chances".
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  #9  
November 26th, 2012, 12:02 PM
miniRazz's Avatar <3 my rainbow baby
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 931
Quote:
Originally Posted by paintingstella View Post
I am having a hard time coming to terms that I lost the first baby I ever carried. After 9 and a half years of marriage w started ttc. The first month we got pregnant, and I was elated! Two weeks later I miscarried. This was two months ago, and I still cry every single day. I carried on my normal life, work, social gatherings, family time, intimate time with my husband, but every time I am alone I cry. When I see a mother and a child I get this emptiness in the pit of my stomach and a lump develops in my throat that I have to drink a sip of water to keep from reacting. My husband has no idea I am still taking it this hard. I try to be upbeat and cheerful, because we are still ttc, and I don't want him to think i can't handle it if we miscarry again. What should I do? I have no one to talk with about this, I am tired of the few that I have told, explain it away as it was "meant to be" or "it was only your first time, you have plenty of more chances".
I am so sorry for your loss. I have had two m/c since April so I know how hard it can be. I have also found the same thing with talking with friends that have not experienced this before, they don't understand that how much the things they say hurt us even though they are trying to help us. I have found quite a few friends that have had mc's and have stuck to talking to them about it.

I also found what has helped me get through it is talking to the ladies on this board, if you post on the main TTC after loss board more ladies will see your post. They have been such a great support system for me and I don't think I would have dealt this well without them. If you have questions, down days or just need to vent they are there. I find the best way to deal with a loss is to talk about it. A friend of mine didn't talk about her loss (and still won't) and 3 years later she is still not in a good place about it, even though she has had an amazing daughter since. I tried to talk to her about my loss and she broke down crying and said she couldn't talk to me/help me cause she hadn't helped her self. I hope one day I can convince her to talk to someone so she doesn't hold on to this pain so tightly.

Take care and feel free to pm me if you want to talk
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