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Well, here I am 32, less than a month before my 33rd birthday and have sadly come to the conclusion that as of right now my husband is completely content with the three children we have (ages 15, 5 and 1). I guess I haven’t completely accepted it yet because it makes me sad. What I write here may sound very pathetic, selfish and just plain strange but I want to get it out there in the open because my husband just doesn’t understand…not saying that you guys will but I have a better chance at someone here understanding and getting support then he can give. Now, I’m not saying he is a bad husband, he’s just a guy and sometimes guys just don’t understand. This is going to be long winded and may jump around....so please be patient as I'm writing as things come into my head....
When I gave birth to Peyton (our youngest one) I was under the impression that we would have one more around the time she was about 2-4 years old. I struggled with my weight shortly after my 2nd child’s (Xavier) birth and was able to lose 60lbs by running. Well, before I got pregnant with Peyton I had regained about 20lbs. When I was 20wks pregnant with Peyton I was on the elliptical and I felt a pop…well that pop was my pubic bone being displaced. My midwife didn’t diagnose me so by the time I was 37wks I was in excruciating pain and unable to walk or turn over in bed without screaming out in pain. So after Peyton was born my goal was to start running again. Well the pain hadn’t gone away after 6 months and running only triggered the pain more. This is when I found out I had Osteitis Pubis as well as Diastasis of Symphysis and the chance of me running again within the next year was 10% and running within the next 3 years was 30% so needless to say I felt defeated. I was overweight, unable to lose it the way I wanted to (running). I tried going to the gym but was only able to do so for an hour before Peyton needed to be fed again (I breastfed her but at that time she only wanted to nurse from one side and I couldn’t pump enough to send her to the hourly daycare with pumped milk. So it was decided that at 6 months I would stop nursing so I could spend more time at the gym and take weight loss pills (I had used slim quick before and it worked). Well, after 3 months of kicking my butt in the gym – spinning, elliptical, power pump classes, etc. – I was still the same weight. I had cut down my eating and everything and I just wasn’t losing any significant ground. So here I was, I stopped nursing for PURELY selfish reasons and it did absolutely NOTHING for me. Not only that but my labor was NOTHING that I wanted it to be. I had wanted an epidural and even planned for it by telling my providers that I had very fast labors. I even got the ok from the head anesthesiologist to have the epidural at 2cm. Well not only did no one on the shift at the birthing center listen to me but my daughter was born fast and furious like a bullet with my husband trying to get the nurses attention as my daughter shot out of me (literally) and barely was caught by the nurse before she (my daughter) fell off the bed onto the floor. My other two boys were also born drug free and fast so I wanted a nice, calm birth where I felt in control (something I’ve never felt in my labor/childbirths). Here is the ridiculous part and hopefully you guys don’t lose any respect for me when I say this… I am seriously curious how closely my children would look like a sibling of the same sex. Since we have one boy and one girl together I am curious how much another sibling would look like his/her brother/sister. Xavier and Peyton were born complete opposites of each other – Xavier was small (6lbs12oz) with a ton of dark black hair and Peyton was large (8lbs6oz) and pretty much bald. So curiosity is KILLING me…
Ok, so if you’ve read my novel maybe you have an idea as to why I feel that I am not done having children. However, it wouldn’t be practical to have one more child – bigger car, bigger house, more money on daycare and I wouldn’t be able to stay home the first year with the 4th child like I have been able to with all my children. I have a high probability of needing crutches throughout the majority of my pregnancy due to my pelvis. My husband also seems to be overwhelmed with the three we have. All this on top of whatever else adding a fourth child to the mix would add…
Like I said earlier my reasons for not feeling completely done having children seem selfish to me… but I just can’t shake it. I’ve cried just about every night (including as I write this) thinking that I have held my last newborn, nursed my last child (which I feel like a failure), and just won’t have the chance to experience the joy of having another little one….
I understand completely. I had alot of complications with my last two babies which lead me to the point i knew i did not need to have anymore. I still to this day wish that i could have just one more and be able to nurse , love and cuddle with a newborn. You miss those days alot when they are all grown up. There is no reason for you to feel selfish it is just in our nature to feel that way. I hope that things get better for you in time.
I can only imagine how it must feel to be done, yet not feel like it's the right thing to do. That would be difficult. It sounds like you have been through a lot.
You are right, though, husbands usually do not understand all those emotions you described. I still will sometimes ask if he ever misses those newborn days... the smell of newborn baby, the tiny nose, fingers, the smell of baby breath... and all the little sounds...the first moment meeting baby. He always says "No. I love them and always have, but no, I don't miss those newborn days!" They just don't get it.
As for being selfish, I think having children is a selfish act for all of us .... so you are as normal as the rest of us in your reasoning for wanting more. <3
Last edited by 4wildflowers; December 27th, 2010 at 12:07 AM.
I think these emotions are typical for someone who lost out on many aspects of pregnancy/birth that they planned for and figured would just be a normal thing for them then turned out to have issues that didnt allow those to be.
I think you will come to a reconciliation within your heart eventually but until then you need to work out what you need to work out within yourself and no, hubbies tend to not get that.
I wish you luck getting to where you want to be with your weight/health/and everything else.
~My thanks to *Kiliki* for the siggy and Lucy S for the blinkies~