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Can't agree on if we are done


Forum: Done Having Children

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  #1  
August 15th, 2012, 07:18 AM
TerriLF's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 566
My husband and I have 2 kids (3 yr old boy 1.5 yr old girl) and I still want one more. I have always wanted 3 kids and still feel like our family isn't complete. My husband says he doesn't want any more. I tried to push the subject the other day and told him if he is so set against having another child he needs to get a vasectomy. He said no. Whenever the subject gets brought up (by friends and family asking if we are done) he always says he is done and everyone knows I want one more. Well I told him we really needed to sit down and talk because even though I want to wait another year or so, we need to resolve this difference between us because its all I can think about and things like this cause big problems in a marriage. He said it isn't going to be a big problem he just isn't sure he wants another child ( I still see that is a big problem if neither of us wants to move on our view). I don't know what to do...I need all the help advice support I can get from you all..Have any of you had similar situations and what ended up happening.

I feel like since he isn't willing to get a vasectomy, that maybe deep down he does want another child, but that he isn't ready now especially since ours are very needy and fight all the time now..lol..
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  #3  
August 21st, 2012, 11:59 AM
mom2brittnchris's Avatar TTC#3
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Eastern North Carolina
Posts: 234
Me and DH went thru this too. I wanted to try for another when our youngest was 1 (we had a 3 year old also) but DH wasn't having it. He was pretty sure he didn't want anymore. I eventually decided I didn't want any either but here we are 11 years later TTC. My husband wants another one so bad!!!! I think that he needed a break from having two so young and close together and now that they are bigger he really does miss having a little one in the hse

With your husband not wanting to have a vasectomy he could not be completely sure that he doesn't want another one but maybe doesn't want to have another one right now. I would give it time and maybe discuss readdressing the thought of having another kid a year or so down the road and see where you both stand then.

Good luck!
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  #5  
December 9th, 2013, 05:28 PM
acupofjoe's Avatar Proud mama of three!
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: washington state.
Posts: 21,372
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Going through this to only its my DH that wants more kids but I am done. It is hard! Best of luck to you guys.
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  #6  
January 16th, 2014, 11:43 AM
ProudMommy2014's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 85
I want another child but my DH does not. We always agreed on 3, although I wanted 4, but I thought we would have three.... nope, only have two and I cant get my DH to budge on this. He is done and does not want a third. SO I am having to accept it I guess.
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  #7  
April 15th, 2014, 11:41 AM
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 17
My hubby wants another and I do not. He doesn't push the issue though. With both of us working its simply too much for me to handle a 3rd in addition to our 2 we have now. Communicating why you want more and him communicating why he doesn't should definitely happen sooner rather than later.
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  #8  
April 19th, 2014, 12:19 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,788
DH talked about only having two, now we have four. I think just let the topic drop for no especially if you're not ready just yet. His mind may change or your mind may change.
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  #11  
March 24th, 2015, 08:09 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 689
I would say just give it time. He clearly has some uncertainty as to whether he is done or not. After I had our second daughter I literally went back and forth every other day on wanting one more or being done. I finally thought seriously about it and a 3rd child just isn't for me. As for my husband, he was fine either way since he had 4 boys already and now our 2 girls. Sometimes it just takes time. It took me a year and a half after our youngest was born.
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  #12  
March 30th, 2015, 12:11 AM
Regular
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 92
Be patient with him. We went through the same thing. I would be careful not to talk about having a second one very often, but on occassion when you do bring it up, state the positive reasons why another child would be a great thing for our family. My husband has come around & I know he is happy about it & I'm happy that I waited & didn't pressure too much.
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  #14  
May 1st, 2015, 02:23 AM
Regular
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 68
Don't make any connections in between not wanting a vasectomy and the desire to have more kids as there is none. Men think vasectomy will make them lesser men so tend to avoid it.
What you can do is find an appropriate time and sit him down for a nice relaxed conversation about this. Listen to him and ask about his reasons, his fears. Try to read in between the line and see what's his problem, then try to solve it before asking him for another child.
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  #18  
May 28th, 2015, 05:52 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 2,448
Don't do anything permanent!! We have three, but were in the same situation...I wanted more eventually, he was d-o-n-e. It's long, boring, and complicated, and I worked my own woe, but the short version is when our youngest was 9 months and we weren't even 30, DH had a vasectomy. I ended up going through some years of grief and depression. Even now that those are passing, the desire is still there, and I doubt it will go away any time soon. I have peace at least knowing what I needed to have done differently, and focusing on the blessings I do have. One day I might even forgive myself.

I'm only saying don't sterilize because you guys aren't agreed. On the other hand, try hard to not push him to make a final decision one way or the other, either. Clearly and simply communicate your views, offer him the freedom to do the same, and let it be what it is. If that means that you fall on opposite sides of the issue, it really is ok. It might not feel ok, but it is. Find a reliable but reversible solution until you both come to a consensus one way or the other. And know your own husband. I tried to take my husband's desires as a law, but that's not what he wanted or was trying to accomplish.


But a marriage can most certainly survive both the situation you are experiencing and the one I created. That part is about devotion, respect, sensitivity, and compassion for the other person without brushing your own self under the rug (easy, right??). Also, sometimes it's good to shut out the outside voices and focus on just yours and DH's. What the two of you think and decide together is most important. Good luck, however it all works out. I hope you and your DH can find charity and harmony with each other throughout this season and in the ones to come.
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