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Trish’s Journey Into Madness.


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  #1  
June 23rd, 2010, 03:48 PM
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I really should start at the beginning... but I'm bad at that, so I'll skip around a bit.

My husband and I have been married since August of 08. I stopped taking birth control pills in December of 08. We hadn't decided to start trying yet... I just hated my OB/GYN, and I couldn't find the time to make an appointment with a new one. So, when my BCP prescription ran out, I just let it be. We finally got around to trying around May of 09.

I was diagnosed with PCOS at some point in there. (I'm terrible with timelines. I've had to quiz my husband twice already and I'm only 2 paragraphs in.)

In my quest for a new OB/GYN, I saw one doctor who I sort of liked, but I only saw her once. (Pet Peeve: I hate doctors who send me to some diagnostic place to get even the most minor blood work done. Get a lab, or I'm getting a new doctor.) She was the one who finally said that I did have PCOS. My previous doctor kind of hinted at it, but refused to do any sort of test to confirm it.

Fast forward to November 09. I had a fun little month-and-a-half-long period that got me fairly worked up. Previously, I just assumed that it would probably take a while to get pregnant (because of the PCOS) but it would eventually just magically happen. Now I started to realize that it was going to take a wee bit more effort than just going at it like bunnies and hoping for the best.

I spent a few cycles just trying to get my period to resemble some kind of rhythm. It didn't really work, and finally my current doctor put me on Clomid last month. No luck so far, but I feel like this is the month!
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  #2  
June 24th, 2010, 11:18 AM
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I went and found my Fertile-Focus saliva microscope today. I never did get the hang of that thing. I never know if I'm using the right amount of saliva, and then when I see things after it dries, nothing ever resembles "ferning" at all.

I don't have the willpower to chart my BBT. My work schedule is weird, so that would involve forcing myself to wake up every morning at 5am, because when I open at work, that's the time I wake up. Since I don't seem to be capable of going back to sleep after I wake up, that's not an option.

I have been using OPKs with mixed results. Last month I only used them once a day, so I missed my LH surge. I did get increasingly dark test lines until CD 14, and then nothing for the rest of my cycle. And my progestrone levels indicated that I did ovulate somewhere in there, so I'm assuming it was CD 14 in the evening.

I don't know how I made it so long without doing all of these obsessive little things. My husband really eased into the whole TTC thing, and I was working and going to school, so we mostly just tracked my (increasingly irregular) periods and BDed a lot in the "middle" of each cycle. I also told myself that I WOULD try for a year without medical intervention. I knew it wouldn't work... but I had to be able to say I tried. (I'm a serious pessimist.)

Now that we're getting serious about this, I've really let my OCD side take over. I think I spend more time reading about TTC and PCOS than I do actually working, or talking to my husband, or anything else for that matter.
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  #3  
June 24th, 2010, 10:31 PM
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Seriously, Body, why do you treat me this way?

My ovaries hurt! Why do my ovaries have to hurt? 2 negative OPKs today, and ovary pain. Also, barely any CM. Today is seriously not my day. It's hard to be positive when you pull this crap, Body!

And it'd be really freaking nice to NOT have to work 5 opening shifts in a row right in the middle of my freaking cycle! How am I supposed to get my freak on when I have to be awake at 5am the next morning? Seriously... not cool.




Also, it's really hard not to type all of the bad words I'm thinking today. Stupid universe.


Oh, and I've become very aware of bad parents lately. They're everywhere. As I was walking in to work, I heard a woman start screaming at her kid to stop talking to her because she was annoying. I almost hit her. Of course, assaulting a customer while in uniform would probably get me fired. I can give them a certain amount of attitude (if they're already being rude, or if they curse at me, or if they threaten me), but physical violence is something even I couldn't talk my way out of.


I think I'm done ranting for the day... hopefully. We'll see in a few hours if I've got any more rage stored up.
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  #4  
June 28th, 2010, 09:27 AM
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So, the husband and I were out at Zio's for some delicious lunch yesterday, and we got seated next to 3 (count em!) 3 families. Two of them had infants, and one (which I stared at like a crazy person all night) had 6 kids. So, we're sitting there gossiping about my family (because that's what we do), and we hear the greatest exchange ever. Mind you, we can't see what's happening, we just hear this guy talking to his son:

Guy: "Hey! If you're gonna do something, go all the way."
Wife: *indistinct but obviously displeased whisper*
Guy: "Alright" *in a slightly defeated voice* "Hey! No knives."

We both burst out laughing. They must have thought we were insane.

A little while later, my husband made a comment about the infant car seat that one of the babies was in at another table. He was like "That's a nice setup, we should make sure we get one like that." I swear, my heart grew 3 sizes when he said that. Best. Lunch. Ever.
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  #5  
June 30th, 2010, 11:01 AM
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So, my OPKs have gone back down to not at all negative, so I'm going to continue to test, and operate under the assumption that I ovulated on Monday (when I had the juuuuuust about positive test), which would be CD 15 and put me a few days into the 2ww. Exciting, kinda.

I just wish I could get a more clear indication of what's going on with me.

And I need to make an appointment for my day 21 blood test. I just hate calling the doctor.

Today my anxiety is a bit higher than usual. I need to keep on this so I can stay positive.
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  #6  
July 2nd, 2010, 07:23 AM
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I'm off to the doc to get my day 21 progesterone check. It's actually day 20, but they're closed tomorrow.

I used to have a serious needle phobia. I would cry every time. Now, I point to the vein that works every time, sit back, squeeze the smiley face ball, and relax. (That last part is important. I've been known to tense up so strongly that blood won't come out.)

This is only my third month getting this done. The first month, I was at a 0.5, which is atrocious. So, they put me on 50mg of Clomid and it went up to 10.5 the second month. This month I'm still on 50, so hopefully it'll still be high enough.
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  #7  
July 4th, 2010, 08:23 AM
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I hate waiting for test results. I got my blood work on Friday, which means they probably won't call me until at least Wednesday or Thursday. In the meantime, I've tested (WAY too early) twice already. All negative.


When I was on Provera, I knew it was not working. I focused on getting to the Clomid step. Once I was there, it would be all gravy. Now, I'm in the middle of month 2 on Clomid, and I'm starting to think it's not going to work. My OB/GYN will only do 3 months of Clomid before she refers me to an RE.

Now I'm starting to think I just have to get through the Clomid so I can get to the RE appointment that will definitely work.

Maybe I should just get another cat and give up on all of this crap.
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  #8  
July 6th, 2010, 10:03 AM
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Still waiting for day 21 blood work to come back. I tested twice already. 2 BFNs. I knew it was too early, but I couldn't stop myself. Ever the optimist. I keep thinking it's going to go straight to positive and I can dance and yell and show my husband.


I'm starting to think it's not going to happen... ever.






I get by, though. I looked at pictures of my perfect niece today and cried more than I'd like to admit. This whole process makes me feel like a crazy person. Plus everything that goes wrong in my life, ever, makes me feel like I'm not deserving of children.


It doesn't help that everyone I talk to seems to tell me that I'm too young.
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  #9  
July 11th, 2010, 11:25 AM
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I got my blood test back. I didn't ovulate this cycle. My progesterone was 5.8.

We're increasing to 100mg next month for my final cycle with Clomid.

And my new insurance covers almost nothing infertility related. No IVF, no IUI. Maximum LIFETIME limit of $1,000 for fertility meds administered in office only.


I'm more devastated than I probably should be.
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  #10  
July 25th, 2010, 09:35 AM
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Infertility sucks and makes me crazy.
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Last edited by TryingTrish; March 21st, 2012 at 01:10 PM. Reason: Too negative... even for me.
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  #11  
August 3rd, 2010, 05:46 PM
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So, I did my day 21 bloodwork, and settled in for the usual 4-5 day wait. Today, ONE day later, I get a call from my doctor.

I OVULATED!! Woooo!


My progestrone is 17!

WOOOO!


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  #12  
August 6th, 2010, 11:56 AM
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MORE??? where are you at now!! you sound just like me!!!!
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  #13  
August 6th, 2010, 02:44 PM
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I don't ever really reply to journals, but Trish I love reading yours!
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  #14  
August 17th, 2010, 11:55 AM
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Yay! I have readers! Sorry, I've been away from JustMommies. I'm working on getting my anxiety/depression under control sans-medication, and sometimes obsessing over getting pregnant gets to be too much.

Update time!


I was so excited that I ovulated last month that I started testing on day 27 and went through the rest of my IC tests. All BFNs. Eventually, I got my period. I think after hearing the high progesterone number, I let myself get WAY too excited, so I took this one really hard.

So, I called my doctor thinking I was going to have to talk her into letting me do an extra month of Clomid, because I SWEAR she told me they would only do 3 cycles. She said this multiple times! I’m not crazy! (Well… not about this particular thing. I’m probably crazy in my own way.) We did the back and for phone tag thing we always seem to do, and eventually she left a detailed message on my voicemail.

Side note: I’ve begged this woman to leave me detailed messages since I first started seeing her. I work constantly, and I’m usually either at work or asleep when her office is open, so there have been MANY times where I had to wait until the next day or over the weekend to get results she could have easily just told me via voicemail. Now, a year and a half later, she FINALLY leaves me messages. I love it.

So, in this detailed message, she said that they usually do SIX months of Clomid before referring patients to an RE!! I’ve been SO upset about not getting pregnant in the tiny 3 month window, and for nothing! I’ve got 3 more months of Clomid!



Needless to say, I’m quite happy about this. Today is CD 5, and my prescription is called in and ready to be picked up tonight.
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  #15  
August 17th, 2010, 12:14 PM
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So, my husband and I went shopping a few days ago and bought a bunch of pregnancy/TTC books. We didn’t go to Borders intending to buy books about TTC, they just kept finding us! My husband got How to Make Love to a Plastic Cup: A Guys Guide to the World of Infertility. He seems to have enjoyed it, although I suspect he only bought it to make me happy.

We also got What to Expect When You’re Expected: A Fetus’s Guide to the First Three Trimesters. It’s hilarious.

Of course, my personal favorite so far is Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care. I go back and forth between wanting a completely natural birth and wanting a low dose epidural, but I want NOTHING to do with Pitocin, and I think I’m going to be one of those mothers who fights with the hospital staff about everything. I’m like that in my day to day life, but I try to control it. Too stressful. Now my mission in life is to get my husband to read it so he'll think I'm less crazy.
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  #16  
August 30th, 2010, 09:31 AM
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I absolutely love your journal.. It has given me hope beyond all and shown me that while im obsessive about TTC and their message boards, I'm truly not alone in this struggle.

Nicole
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  #17  
January 28th, 2012, 08:51 PM
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I'm back.


I didn't realize I'd been gone for so long. This community helped me a lot, and I've been a very bad member. I'm going to work on that this time.

A lot has changed for me. My last post was in June of 2010. It was the summer before my last semester in college. Since then, I did my Senior Project, which turned out to be kind of a hellish nightmare. I graduated with my BS in Computer Science, which was the single proudest moment of my life. I went out searching for a job. I looked for a few months and then, at a job fair, I found a company that I knew I had to work for. I applied the next day, forced my way through their extensive testing and interview process, and got the job. I've been there for 9 months now, and I've loved every single moment of it. And, last but not least, my husband and I recently moved to a new apartment across town.

On the baby-making front, things are the same. I wish I was returning triumphantly, but alas, it wasn't in the cards.

We finished up somewhere towards the end of 2010, started out 2011 by actively trying for many months, and got nowhere. I tracked my body temp for a while, did those stupid ovulation test strips for a bit, all to no avail. After a while things sort of tapered off and we stopped being aggressive about our efforts.

Skipping ahead to now!

I'm settled in at work. My husband is happy at his job. We've saved money. We've got a sweet new place. I've lost a modest amount of weight and gotten my high blood pressure under control. We're ready to start doing this again.

I wish I was coming back with enthusiasm and joy and hope, but I'm not. I've got determination and focus.

My husband and I were on vacation a few weeks ago and we went and saw a his best friend from high school, his wife and their new baby. The baby was adorable and the parents were stressed almost to the point of breaking. And yet, even with the tension in the air from all that, the topic stilled turned to my husband and I and when we were going to start trying. I clammed up for a moment, dreading the inevitable point when I'd have to explain (again) that we already started trying. And we failed. And we're still trying, but it'll probably be a while. But my husband, being the gracious soul that he is, said “soon” and steered the conversation in a different direction. A few minutes later he looked at me with the sweetest smile and I told him I was ready to start it up again. Some couples would be overjoyed. We weren't. It stopped being fun.

But we know that, when it does happen, it will be amazing and wonderful.
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  #18  
March 16th, 2012, 10:43 PM
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Well, another wrench has been thrown in the works. Hell, at this point, the works have been completely replaced by a pile of broken wrenches.

So my periods have gotten more and more painful for the last year or so. I did my normal thing (ignore and think happy thoughts) for a while, but these last 2 have caused me to miss work, which isn't acceptable. I went in for my normal pap smear and whatnot yesterday and talked to my doctor about it and some other weird **** going on in that region (bleeding from places that shouldn't, pain associated with basically every activity that involves the undercarriage) and he thinks I might have endometriosis.

On the bright side this got me motivated to make my first appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist. So, that's happening in 2 weeks.

2 weeks!

I'm almost giddy. I'd be completely giddy of endometriosis didn't seem to fit so well while simultaneously requiring surgery to even diagnose.

I'll keep you all updated!


Here's to fertility!
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  #19  
August 26th, 2012, 03:21 PM
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I'm still around, kind of. I drift in and out of this place. (Unfortunately, my social anxiety appears to also apply to my internet life and makes me afraid to comment on the big group threads.)

After my last post, I saw an RE for the first time. It. Was. Awesome. Finally, I have a doctor who wants to help me, wants to follow through and help both me and my husband. We love him.

So, we started off with a discussion of my background and my history with PCOS and Clomid and the recent hints of Endometriosis. He wanted to do a bunch of blood tests, an ultrasound and an HSG for me and a semen analysis for my husband.

So, we did the first two. And my husband did his test. The ultrasound looked fairly standard. The blood tests were done at the beginning of my next cycle, and I anxiously awaited the results. My husband got his results, and his swimmers are apparently outstanding. We were waiting for a good cycle to do the HSG because my periods have been lasting for 3 or more weeks each month for the past year or so.


Then the bills came in.

Ugh.

I have a high deductible ($2000). I was prepared to pay a TON of out-of-pocket expenses to meet that deductible. I have an HRA which would cover over half, and I have some money saved. As the bills started rolling in, I thought “This is good. It's all paid by my HRA so far, and the rest will be affordable.”

Then I got 4 claims from a lab that was apparently out of my network. They sucked up $700 bucks out of my HRA money that ended up getting applied to my out-of-network deductible. Crap. That basically means that money is down the drain and I have to come up with an additional $700 bucks out of pocket before my in-network deductible is met (and my actual insurance kicks in).

I eventually decided to screw the HSG and made an appointment to talk about the rest of my tests.

We went in, went over the rest of the blood work, and got some interesting news. My RE doesn't think I have PCOS. He acknowledges that I have all of the symptoms, but he insists that I don't actually have it. So, without a diagnosis, he convinced me to do the HSG. But, he's going to follow up with the out-of-network lab to see if there's anything he can do there.

So, that's where we are. I go in for the HSG tomorrow afternoon.

Oh, the RE also put me on Synthroid and Metformin. I'm excited about the possibility of each one helping, but I'm NOT loving the gastrointestinal symptoms related to the Metformin (although, in it's defense, I did just utter the words “Screw you, Met, I'm eating a pizza for dinner” which probably doesn't help.)


So... yeah. Progress has been made. This new momentum has, however, made me wonder if I've been out of the TTC world for too long. I just can't get excited about it like I used to. I know parenthood is still my goal, I just don't get all into the excitement of trying anymore.

I've been trying to fight this apathy by watching every baby/pregnancy/parenthood related documentary that Netflix has to offer. Turns out, that doesn't make me want to reproduce. It, instead, makes me want to move to a country that doesn't actively hate it's pregnant women. So maybe I'll do that.
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  #20  
August 27th, 2012, 05:48 PM
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Well that sucked.


I had my HSG done today. The procedure itself wasn't too bad. The technician was ridiculously nice and the radiologist was great. They explained everything I could possibly want to know, warned me about everything that could possibly be painful or unsettling, and got the procedure done as quickly as possible. Inflating the balloon hurt hell, and injecting the dye was no picnic. But, on the bright side, I got to watch the monitor.

I saw the dye go straight into the right tube. Then nothing. I rolled to the left when instructed (and got an insane leg cramp right as I did so... which was awesome). I couldn't really tell what the dye was doing after that. It looked like it was just spilling everywhere.

After that the radiologist stopped joking with me and got a little quiet (never a relaxing sign). At the end he pulled up each image they took and explained that he wasn't able to get any dye into the left tube, but that could have been due to the right tube being so open (Yay! Go right tube!). He then started asking if I've ever had any kind of infection or endometriosis. He pointed out some interesting looking areas all around the perimeter of my uterus. They looked like little dark triangles shooting off of the edges.

Apparently he has to go do some research on what they might be before recommending more tests... which I apparently need.


Yay!

So... yeah. One definitely working tube (Go, Righty, go!) and some strange looking bits that, according to the radiologist, are likely nothing and shouldn't stop me from getting pregnant. Maybe.
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