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I think I'm definitely crying for both reasons, because I'm happy for her and because I want to be with her. I got a real false positive on a test yesterday, and I felt so ecstatic when I saw it, but, my better senses kept me in line. I knew that couldn't have been possible somehow, and I was right. I hate POAS so much, I'm never doing it again, I swear to god.
I'm so heartbroken right now, because I know after AF shows up I'm just going to be reminded over and over that my cycle buddy graduated and I didn't, not purposely, or not as if anyone's trying to make me feel bad, but I will feel sad and alone. I know everyone keeps saying I'll get my BFP soon and it's my time, but, part of me thinks I'll be congratulating them long before anything happens with me. At this point, I'm almost sure there's no way it's ever going to happen.
I turn the year and a half mark of TTC next month, and I know they've just now got me reliably O'ing with the clomid and it's the first month, and I get six tries, etc, etc. I hate extending it, I hate drawing it out. I know I'm not pregnant, so I wish there was just a button I could hit to start my next cycle tomorrow. Why does this have to be so stupid and complicated? Maybe I do just need a break.
I guess I wanted so badly to be pg this month, because the hard tests are coming up next. They'll do a SA on DH first, I believe, then I'm going in for an HSG. I didn't want to do the HSG :/ I'm horrified I'll be told "sorry, the plumbing is clogged, it's just not going to happen for you without IVF." I'm terrified I'll be told DH has no count or no tails or they're stupid and swim in circles. Given my history though, I'm more likely the culprit. My first BF that I tried to get PG with has five kids, so, I somehow doubt he was the problem in that relationship. Something's broken in there. I'm scared to find out what. I can't afford to fix anything.
I guess clomid fixed my LP defect, which is good, but.
I'm still really depressed. This week and a half hump as cycles change over are always extremely hard on me. I think I might just recluse for a while, because it's getting harder and harder to be happy for the pg girls and not just flat out ragingly jealous, even on here. I feel like such an ******* for feeling that way. It's really not fair to them. It should really just make me feel hopeful, but, it feels a little more like watching everyone else move on with their life and me being left behind in the dust. I shouldn't feel that way. I shouldn't. What the hell is my problem.
Thanks Maggie831 for the awesome siggy! You rock!
Last edited by ladyastraea; August 27th, 2011 at 06:37 PM.
I'm in a better mood today I guess. I'm still a little sore about it, like stubbing a toe, but I'll get over it just like I've gotten over everything else. I'm mostly ready to move on now and start over again in hopes that next month will bring better news.
I think either I biffed or FF did with my temps, because I'm definitely thinking given my chart and the drop today (and the AF feeling) that my CL was much higher than FF thinks and thus I O'd probably two days later than it thinks. I stopped taking OPKs and that may have been where the confusion started. I definitely remember on the two 97.9 days it took forever to get up there and I was thinking it'd stop short of that, so maybe those temps are actually lower somehow because I was taking them incorrectly or differently than I normally do. I sometimes do that subconsciously. I don't think it matters though, I had my blood drawn two days after I think I O'd so if I'm right, they'll tell me I had really low progesterone when I go in on Wednesday. If I'm wrong, FF is probably right and I am 14dpo today.
One thing's for certain, I'm not leaving that building without a lab printout in my hand so I can have a look at my own numbers.
Well, the lab numbers were both better and worse than I was expecting. O'ing on my own I can barely muster a p-level of 6, but that went up to 23 with clomid and soy combined. So I guess now I definitely have a luteal phase defect, and estrogen dominance, which I suspected in the first place because of my FBCs. It just sucks finding out after all that trouble to O on my own, it's a ****** weak O and even if I had managed to get pg I wouldn't have been able to sustain it for very long.
I'm so ******* depressed right now I don't know what to do with myself. It's difficult to talk to anyone at all about it because they're all so emotional and/or hormonal with their own stuff going on that it turns into a giant *****fest over everything and I can't seem to say anything that sounds NOT offensive (to me at least.)
I'm also ******* sick of bleeding.
My doc is giving me 2 more months on the clomid before we move on to other types of testing. I have an appointment November 2nd to discuss SA/HSG and IUI (which I definitely can't afford) so it'll just be me begging for a few more months on clomid at that point. You know what, honestly, if I'm still not pregnant by my next wedding anniversary, I'm just saying it's over and I'm giving up. Part of me just wants to cut my own reproductive system out and put it up for sale on some scientific research black market board, the other part is so depressed...well...I guess you could draw your own conclusions. I'm trying not to feel like the crazy outsider girl again, but part of me wants to do something with myself before I turn into that bat**** insane woman you hear about on the news that gets arrested for swiping some new mom's baby from the hospital (that's a joke serious sally, I'd never do something like that.)
So, after much deliberation, DH and I have decided to end our TTC journey. After a year and a half without so much as a chemical, we've come to the conclusion that it's just not meant to happen for us.
I'd like to thank everyone that's supported me through these tough times over the last few months. I hope everyone gets their bfp soon.