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Abby's Ventastic TTC#1 Journal (No longer TTC)


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  #1  
June 28th, 2011, 03:25 PM
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I wanted to start one of these. I'm not sure how long I'll have it or how often I'll update it, but I need somewhere else to vent so I don't share my negativity publicly so often. I figure this is great because people can choose not to read it.

It's been 417 days since I came off of the pill and so that makes 417 days without a "real" period. I think if I actually see red blood again I may pass out lol. I haven't seen that at all since I was a teenager. AF has always been hell for me though; I started getting her when I was 9. I remember being that young and wishing for so many years to never see her again, and now that I'm 26 I'm wishing more than ever she'd just come back. I've always wished she'd just show up when I think she will though. Funny how life changes that way.

I think I'll start Provera this weekend. Tested yesterday, BFN, no surprises there and I doubt that's going to change. Hurrah for anovulatory cycles! This month has been absolute hell. I've been in complete and total pain from cramps and "fibrocystic changes" since CD12, and now I have a fever so I have no idea what my real temps look like. Onward, to month 14!

I really want to call my doctor and beg for Clomid, but I doubt they'll give it to me before I get my day 21 P level. I just want to have my turn already. This month turned out so great for so many people on JM and I'm finding it more and more difficult to just be happy for them and not outrageously jealous. Not the girls on here though. I'm psyched for them because they deserve it. It gives me a little hope too.

On Friday I had a total mental breakdown. I think it started around the time I asked my husband to take me to a spa for a full facial wax. Yeah, that was it, typing that alone hurts. Little bit TMI but my husband and I were having some us time the other day and he mentioned getting me pregnant and I almost stopped him to go cry. What's more upsetting is how it definitely ruined the mood for me. I'm tired of having pity parties, but they're so hard to avoid.

In happier news. I think everyone needs a pet iguana. It's the strangest thing, but he's been the most accurate predictor of when I start spotting. Even better than temping and counting days (or wearing a liner for three weeks straight with nothing. So wasteful!) He gets really angry and tries to jump on me, then the next day, BAM! Animals are so nuts.

My next appointment is on August 3rd. I'm chomping at the bit to get there. I'll find out then if I'm going on clomid or getting a HSG. The doctor wanted me to just go to an RE right away, maybe I shouldn't have turned her down. :/ She seems to think the provera's going to make my body function and next month will be my month. For reasons everyone here understands, I'm LESS than optimistic. I just want to know what will happen if I get a decent P level on CD21 and the HSG is clear. It's still been well over a year that we've been trying. I don't want to keep going like this every month without regular cycles or knowing when or if I'm going to O. What'll they do then? Monitor me? CD3 testing? Leave me alone so I can keep tearing my hair out every month when I come up BFN? Maybe they'll ship me to the RE anyway because they can't figure out what to do.

Thinking about all this makes me just want to quit trying all together and resign myself to being childless. It hurts so much, especially that I can't picture myself ever being a mother anymore. I miss that dream, I want it back.
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Last edited by ladyastraea; September 25th, 2011 at 11:50 PM.
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  #2  
July 1st, 2011, 11:17 AM
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Gonna start my provera tomorrow I believe. Still getting BFN's and today I'm cramping like a mother today but I have no obvious AF signs other than my temp went down a little. I'll drop off the script then pick it up this afternoon, test one last time in the morning then start taking it tomorrow night since I hear it can whack out your stomach. I have no idea. In a way I hope my REAL AF actually starts so I don't need to take it, but I may do so anyway. I'm just happy to get back to BD after this is over (huahah.) Yeah I'm so bad, but I've been hurting since CD 9 and have not been in the mood at all this month.

In other news, DH and I were having an interesting conversation about a couple friends yesterday that are in a new-ish relationship. They've been having some trouble and yesterday the girl was venting to me about how things haven't been so great lately. I try not to get too too involved in anything other than give the usual "have you talked to him? Did he know? Give it some time" kind of advice to her and a place to vent really. I was telling DH though about how the guy really wants a family super badly and the girl he's seeing is adamantly against having children so I really don't feel like they're going to last in the long run.

You know, on a quick side note, I always kind of worried I'd be one of those females rushing and pushing their DH into something they didn't want to do when it came to having kids, but what he said while we were talking really made me feel good for once. He asked me what her problem was with starting a family and I told him about how she doesn't want the extra responsibility and wants to be her own person without someone attached to her and she's comfortable being that way for the rest of her life. DH, mind you, used to think the same way. He looked at me and said "You know what, no matter what that's eventually going to go away for some reason, and she needs to get over it, there's nothing wrong with having or raising children. I think she needs to grow up and realize that. Life changes and that's just an excuse. All I'm hearing are excuses."

That just really warmed my heart to hear him say something like that after all these years of him being so "I don't want to be a parent!" (we've been together 7 and a half years just about and married for the last 5.) The last few years have really changed our perspectives, and since I've been having trouble while everyone else around us already has their brand new baby, I think we both want it more than ever. Granted, he wants to rush me into adopting and I want to have one of my own. JUST one.

I'm so ready to start my 21-day countdown right now.

We've been having appliances break left and right in our house lately, so I've decided to take up doing art commissions again to get money to replace them without digging into our savings. So far I haven't had any bites, but we'll see what comes around in the future. If all else fails we just need to wait until I go back to school in the fall because my scholarships pay for like... everything. I feel like taking a break this summer has been more stressful than just going to class would have been.

DH has started having problems at his job (he works with kids) but it's because he feels like there's some stuff going on behind his back, and that's totally against the program's little ethics motto thing. You're supposed to go to the person you have an issue with and stamp it out right away, and instead he heard about some issues others had with him for the first time at his review yesterday. He came home in a really bad mood and I felt terrible for him. I hope they allow him to switch schools in the fall so he doesn't have to drive so far and also so he doesn't have to deal with the stress for much longer.

[Edit]: Started spotting at around 4pm (Q-tip test.) Brown blood. No flow. Same breakthrough bleed as usual but oddly it's exactly the same day as last month.
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Last edited by ladyastraea; July 4th, 2011 at 04:08 PM.
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  #3  
July 2nd, 2011, 09:13 AM
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Full brown spotting this morning, almost making it to the liner on its own. Still wondering how much longer I should wait to take the med now. Temps are FINALLY below 97.7.

ABQ smells like a campfire again from all the fires out in NM. This can't be healthy lol.

[Edit]: OMG RED BLOOD. Still only spotting but it's RED!
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Last edited by ladyastraea; July 2nd, 2011 at 04:27 PM.
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  #4  
July 3rd, 2011, 03:36 PM
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Spotting tapered off today. It never actually made it to the liner in the first place. :/ I got some heavily clotted brown stuff when I woke up then it stopped.

I decided to wait until Tuesday to start the provera so I can test and do it the right way "just in case." So I guess when I ACTUALLY FINALLY BLEED I can finally start CD1. I was thinking about putting yesterday as CD1 because of red spotting but I didn't even need a panty shield and that feels like a total waste. The doctor also told me not to count spotting at all, only a day of "full normal flow that actually requires protection." I never thought having AF would be so complicated!


Have friends visiting for the weekend, they leave tomorrow. Next month looks like it's going to be really stressful again.

Not gonna go to any fourth celebrations tomorrow. I was invited to a friend's bbq but his wife (and her sister in law) both just had babies in the last 6 months and I don't think I can handle the stress of all the flaunting and constant "WHEN ARE YOU GONNA START TRYING?" Last thing I need is to have a breakdown in front of friends who don't even know we've been trying since before they started. Trying and failing miserably.
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Last edited by ladyastraea; July 3rd, 2011 at 03:41 PM.
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  #5  
July 5th, 2011, 10:02 AM
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BFN. Starting provera TONIGHT. No more waiting ; CD 39 here I come!
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  #6  
July 8th, 2011, 09:53 AM
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Provera day 4. Cramping. No spotting. I kinda wonder if this is going to work.

AC still blown out and three days before anyone gets out here. We have box fans everywhere and I'm trying to keep all windows/rooms shut so the heat doesn't creep its way into the house. It's currently 5 degrees warmer in the house than it is outside, which is a really bad sign.
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  #7  
July 8th, 2011, 12:03 PM
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The provera more than likely will work but it won't work until after you go off the medicine. The progesterone makes your body think its post O and so once you go off of it and your body realizes its gone your uterus sheds its lining and thats why you get AF!
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  #8  
July 9th, 2011, 07:46 PM
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Yeah, I'm just worried because I was spotting a little before I started taking it that I'm not going to get AF... like I have if I have no lining or something. Guess we'll find out in a few days.
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  #9  
July 11th, 2011, 09:15 AM
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Have a friend's roommate coming to look at my air in about half an hour to see if he can do anything to fix it. If he can, I will literally be ETERNALLY grateful to him. I'm on day two off of the provera. My temps actually went up rather than down which is a little strange. No cramps, but I'm back to painful boob city again. I miss when they were never swollen/painful. The longer I've been off the pill though, the longer they seem to hurt every month. I barely get 10 days break before they swell and start hurting again these days.

Plan on calling the doc's office if I don't see anything in the next week just to find out what I should do about the P draw. I'm thinking I might count CD 30 as CD 1 and just go in and get it done anyway since I was spotting red for about an hour. I'll pitch the idea at her but I'm sure she's going to say something like "OMG TAKE A TEST!!" to which I will sadly reply "It's still negative."

[Edit]: The bolts are rusted on. The cooler's full of rust and holes. The stand has a gigantic rusted hole in it. It has to be replaced. I guess it was too much to hope for :/ Dad in town tomorrow, I'll beg him to help I guess. The lowest estimate I could get was $1200.
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Last edited by ladyastraea; July 11th, 2011 at 11:48 AM.
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  #10  
July 13th, 2011, 12:27 PM
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So. My dad's going to cover the cost of the repairs on my cooler and I will have to pay him back over the next year. This is a BIG stress relief for DH and I as we're MELTING in here! He also let me keep the money I had saved up so I can pay off some of my credit card!

I just got off the phone with the nurse up at my doc's office, she says give it about 5-6 more days and if AF still has not started to call back and they will delay my P draw and reschedule my appointment and possibly put me on another round. They said absolutely do not count my spotting as CD1 no matter what, even if it was red. I wonder if this means I should change my ff charts since they wouldn't start new cycles unless I put the spotting as light. ._.

And yeah, I got pushed to POAS again. And I told her it was neggy as always. I hate POAS, it's so depressing ALWAYS seeing one line. Then she pressed for patience. How insensitive is that? I sometimes think women with normal reproductive systems don't know how it feels to be told that, especially when you've been trying for so long. :/

I've gotta be honest. It's super depressing still being in the same cycle while some girls are just finishing their second one. Not that I'm not crossing my fingers for them, I am. I'm just jealous that I'm still stuck in last month. Please start AF...please... I want a chance..

Oh well. Goodbye month 14. At least we tried. Month 15 here we come.
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Last edited by ladyastraea; July 13th, 2011 at 12:31 PM.
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  #11  
July 15th, 2011, 10:55 AM
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Okay... AF has until TUESDAY to start. If I don't see her before then I'm calling the doctor back and figuring out what the hell is going on. My boobs are in so much ****** pain right now I would pay MONEY to have it start and not hurt anymore.

I'm managing to keep my bedroom really cool at night now so I'm staying on top of my temps. I'm getting some nice low numbers finally, it's been about oh... 60+ days since I've seen anything below 97.7 up until recently. Part of me kind of hopes that means I'll O' soon. The doctor said that's not possible after taking the provera dose though. I'm like holding on to the hope that I have high prolactin and it's keeping me from building a lining/O'ing and that's why I'm not bleeding... and I'm secretly CD4 or something. I kind of doubt it. Red spotting was 14 days ago so if I were going to O it would happen today or tomorrow. I have zero fertile signs though.

I'm pretty sure when I call her on CD49 she'll probably get the point that nothing's going to happen. I want to try and convince her just to start me on clomid over the phone. I wish someone had tips for doing that.
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  #12  
July 16th, 2011, 09:48 AM
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4 degree temp jump. WOW! Omg if this stays up there maybe I O'd.

Holy cow.

PLEASE SAY I O'd We've been BD and everything!! D: D:
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  #13  
July 18th, 2011, 09:20 AM
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I GOT CH'S I GOT CH'S OMFG I GOT CH'S.

I have everything crossed that this isn't an ambient temperature fluke and it's for real. OH PLEASE BE FOR REAL.
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  #14  
July 19th, 2011, 10:01 AM
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Okay so... Temp hasn't crashed, symptoms match up with what I had while I was on the provera not even two weeks ago. MY BOOBS DON'T HURT HOLY COW! I think that's the best part.

I called and left a message with my doctor and she's supposed to get back to me about whether she wants me to get that blood draw done here in about 3 days and keep the August 3rd appointment or not. I'm kinda worried she may tell me we're gonna cancel all that and wait for AF then do it next month. I don't want to wait more! Considering how long it took me to FINALLY GET A REAL, CLEAR, BIPHASIC...I'm kinda hoping she just throws me on clomid for next month if this doesn't work out and calls it a day. :/

Also.. I like how I'm so readily discouraged that I don't think I have a chance in hell of getting a bfp this month. I wonder if that's a good or a bad thing?
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  #15  
July 20th, 2011, 01:05 PM
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The stuff with the doctor yesterday was the most stressful thing I've dealt with in a very long time. I finally got my AC back on, I got all our bills paid, everything was going so excellent... then the nurse called me back.

The doctor decided just to refer me straight to an RE. She didn't even want to consider that maybe the 5-day dose wasn't enough for me. She didn't want to listen to me that I thought I O'd. No. They were firm. It HAD to be day 21. I don't have a 28 day cycle even IF my crap is working right, what a load of horse ****. My insurance doesn't cover an RE, so, at this point... I'd be done. I can't afford to pay out of pocket for any of this, which was my original fear going into this when DH and I decided to go ahead and try. I'd always been horrified of them telling me "IVF is your only option." So horrified it made me put off TTC for 3 whole years. Sitting in this situation now is the most painful and uncomfortable experience of my entire life. The idea that...unless DH goes active duty, we have no chance of ever having children, it makes me want to just give up everything. He doesn't want to do that and I don't want to make him do it.

I broke down into tears when I got off the phone with that lady. I was so hurt and defeated... I couldn't think of anything else. I tried to beg and plead with her that maybe my lining is just thin because I don't O' and maybe the spotting I had before I started taking the provera was the only lining I had so when I took it nothing was there to shed. I explained to her I had the first CLEAR biphasic I've seen since June '10 and I was sure I O'd. I was absolutely positive, and can't they just give me bloodwork or SOMETHING, not just throw me out without trying anything at all. She said she'd talk to the doctor and if she wants to do anything else she'd call me, but if not, I wouldn't hear from them again. I felt myself die a little inside. It's hard enough being surrounded by everyone saying "it's so easy" when your doctor is telling you you're so complicated it's not worth her time.

DH called the patient advocates, he called the clinic, he called the RE&I clinic just to make ABSOLUTELY SURE they don't cover us. He was on the phone for an hour, blue in the face from yelling about how crushed I was by their treatment of me. Then he took me out for ice cream and tried to calm me down. He's my rock, he really is.

They called back while we were out, and said the doctor agreed to go ahead and do FSH/Estrogen/HCG then on the 3rd they wanted me to do the progesterone draw. I called the nurse back and demanded to know why they were still treating me like I hadn't O'd, and she said she didn't know and it sounded wrong to her as well. Getting a P draw on August 3rd would be my CD3 IF my cycle works out that way, and that makes zero sense. She suggested I get it all done at once since I think my "Day-21" will be Friday, then come and discuss the results with her on August 3rd.

I want to make a list of my complaints to this doctor. I feel as if I'm being treated unfairly because she never even bothered to confirm my PCOS and just started treating me as if I have premature ovarian failure or something, like I have no eggs and I need a specialist, which is absolute ****ing bull****.

Okay, I know it's odd that I got this shift after that provera. I know it's not normal, but, she could at least test to confirm my suspicion instead of saying it isn't possible. I'm printing out my chart for her the next time I go in there so she can see for herself what horse**** that is. So many of the girls on here have told me 5 days is unheard of, and 7 days almost doesn't work for a lot of people. She didn't even want to give it a second go. I specifically asked her what the hell I should do in this situation, and she didn't say one way or the other then, even though she told me to go ahead and count the spotting as a period since "it's the only thing we have to go off of right now." I may just f'ing lie outright to her if I spot instead of getting a full bleed this time and tell her I had a light flow for three days so she can get her head out of her butt and start treating me like a human being and not an annoying issue that she doesn't feel like tackling.

So on the third... here's my list:

-I'm CD??, I had your b/w done all at what would be 7-dpo for me. What the heck do they say about my LP since I finally O'd at 43-dpo. Are my levels normal or not for LP, and I swear if she tries to consider that as a CD3 draw I'll raise hell with the patient advocates.

-Is my progesterone to estrogen ratio normal, because I hear a lot of the reason girls get Fibrocystic Breasts is because they're progesterone deficient and that apparently is common in PCOS'ers. While I was on the provera they went away, and the intensity lessened right after I O'd. I at least want her to do another progesterone draw at what will be CD21 for me at that time, so we can be certain about it in her book and she can continue on with what she thinks is right.

-I want to try and convince her to let me try clomid just for a couple of months to see if it shortens my cycle and helps with getting AF on time. If I don't get this, I'm going on soy and I'm getting vitex and trying to do this naturally because I will not just give up my dream.

-I want a second opinion. I want another doctor in there right then that I can talk to or as soon as I can to find out what they think about this situation because honestly I don't trust her because she doesn't seem to trust me.

-I demand she does everything for me that's possible in her book of doing things rather than kicking me out the door because of ONE failed provera challenge. Or at LEAST give me another provera challenge for 10 days instead of 5... like holy crap. I feel like I should have just gotten the refill and done it myself instead of listening to her, or at least have taken it right away instead of waiting til the first week of June like an idiot.

I know I sound like a pushy *****, but you know what? I'll have been waiting 15 ****** months by the time I get in there. I know some girls have been waiting 2-3 years plus. I know my older sister waited 5. I just don't feel like going through with this runaround over and over anymore, and I don't want to be in that category of waiting 2-3 years. I deserve to be treated equally, and not like some untreatable patient because I have PCOS and my body functions strangely compared to the textbook 28-girls. After this I'm seriously planning on going to the front desk and asking for a fresh set of ears to talk to, I'm so irrationally annoyed with her.

DH has been nothing but supportive, thankfully. I try so hard not to outright rage at all of this, especially for his sake, but it's just not possible not to be so angry. I was crying that we couldn't afford an RE and it'd never happen and we'd just never be parents. He told me we'd make it work. We'd find a way and we'd make it work, even if it required tons of BD. I told him there's no point in BD if there's no egg to catch, and he just frowned and said we'd make it happen somehow. My temps yesterday were disappointing but they went way up today, even after the air was fixed. I'm hoping they stay up there and I don't have a short LP.

The first month after my pill I had only a 9-10 day LP and I got a pretty decent bleed of brown blood with no clots. It was horribly horribly painful though. I'm hoping some time next week I either see that again or nothing and get my bfp and I never have to think about this crap again... unless something goes wrong, and I don't even want to consider that right now

All I know is, if I do wind up getting a bfp... I'm not making a ticker until 12 weeks, hell, I don't even want to tell anyone. I don't want to jinx it.
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  #16  
July 21st, 2011, 12:54 PM
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I'm starting to seriously doubt this is a true O. I don't know why. I checked my CP this morning and it was LSO... it's not supposed to open back up is it? I mean... it's REALLY low and open like AF is coming. Temp dropped on me too, though it was very cold last night.

Not only that, I didn't get any CM at all before the shift :/

b/w tomorrow. Tempted to get it today.
I hope I'm just overthinking this.
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Last edited by ladyastraea; July 21st, 2011 at 12:59 PM.
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July 23rd, 2011, 09:53 AM
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Well, if I put that my CP was high along with soft and open the day I got the shift, I get solid CH's... but honestly I can't remember how high it was. It was DEFINITELY open and soft because I remember checking it thinking "Oh crap, here she comes" because my temps were down there so low for once.

I can't believe I'm still in this.

I'm getting a lot of "THIS FEELS LIKE AF" cramps today. I can't remember if I had those last year or not.

Rats. I told myself I wasn't going to hyper-focus on symptoms and here I go again. Maybe if I disable my ticker I'll stop looking at it all the time LOL.

Anyway. I got my b/w drawn yesterday. They drew Est/Pro/FSH/HCG. I know the HCG will be negative. I'm really interested to see what my Progesterone levels are. I'm going to call on Monday and be like "RESULTS PLZ!!" and see if they'll give me the numbers over the phone. So long as it's over 2 I'll consider this a real O and a real 2ww.

Seems like there's going to be a flood of BFP this weekend. I can't wait to be in that group.
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  #18  
July 24th, 2011, 12:04 PM
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****it... I'm being emotional as all hell today. I think I just need to disconnect the net and not talk to anyone.

Tenderness gone, peeing a lot. AF's coming I bet I'll have it by the end of the night.
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  #19  
July 25th, 2011, 09:53 AM
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...must not waste a test... must not waste a test.
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  #20  
July 26th, 2011, 11:50 AM
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Yeah good thing I didn't. Woke up this morning and my temp barely made it to 97.9. I thought it would stop at 97.6 actually. It's a huge huge drop, so, I'm thinking AF will be here in a few hours at most. I'll be pleasantly shocked if not (I'm having AF cramps.)

I called to get my b/w results, so they should be in soon, hopefully anyway. I don't want to have to drive out there and pick up the numbers by hand (which I have to do a lot because they never want to just tell me over the phone what my levels are.) The stupid office is SO FREAKING SLOW though. I wonder if that's because my doctor's scratching her head over something. I swear to god if she says I need to test one more time I'm going to scream.

I'm trying hard not to think about it and just work. I decided to go looking for a job too... if I need a **** RE I guess having the job will help me at least pay for it $900 a month for part time work should cover all the costs, but it's still depressing that I'd have to spend that much money just to make my body do what it's supposed to. What the hell's the point of even being a woman if you can't reproduce. >:[

[Edit]: The following people have called me since 10am when I left a message wanting my results:
Comcast
Telemarketer
Service Magic (HVAC people)

QUIT MAKING ME GET MY HOPES UP >:[ YOU EVIL PEOPLE.
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Thanks Maggie831 for the awesome siggy! You rock!


Last edited by ladyastraea; July 26th, 2011 at 02:26 PM.
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