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Aubrey's Journey- Pregnant after 15 months TTC


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  #1  
October 16th, 2011, 06:55 PM
aubers68's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Well I figured it couldn't hurt to start a journal. Never really had one before but hopefully this helps to get some of my feelings out. Tonight I was talking to my best friend about how bad I want a baby. I can't help to want to vent. No one really understands and that hurts the most. Her words of "advice" were to tell me "You just want it too bad". I tried telling her to please not say things like that to me. I told her I understand that she didn't mean to be hurtful and that it's hard to find the right things to say, but I think I upset her just as much as she upset me. I hate this. Having no one to really talk to. Even DH seems to get annoyed with me. I think he doesn't realize how much work this really is going to be for us. Everyone around me thinks I'm trying TOO HARD and the thing is, I haven't even began to TRY. I'm using OPKS! I'm not temping, I'm not using Cloimd, I'm not working with an OBGYN or RE. I don't understand what else they expect me to do. Just sit back and hope it happens? Because it's so easy for everyone else around it should be easy for me and that means I should just forget about it. UGH


Ohhh and we had a small party last night at my place and this evening when I went to use an OPK they were no where to be found. I searched my whole bathroom and linen closet. Then I thought to check on top of the cubby above our toilet where DH keeps his razor... I hop up on the toilet and look, not there. I stay on the toilet thinking where the hell could they be, look over, and on the top of our medicine cabinet are lights and a lip where you can see wires, and there they are. Both bags... hidden up there. Hubby says he has no idea why they were there. I don't know why anyone would do that. I don't really know what to think but I'm definitely upset about it.
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  #2  
October 17th, 2011, 05:02 PM
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Well I found out who hid my OPKs. Thankfully it wasn't just some weird joke. Apparently some friends were joking about testing their fertility so another friend whom hadn't been drinking took them and put them up where no one would get them, just forgot to mention to me that they were doing that. But all's well now that I know.

Today DH and I had a tad of a heart to heart. He really has me under the impression he wants to stop trying, but he's just very hard to read. See, my BFF is getting married next September and we are all going on a cruise for her honeymoon. We are booked to go, and know that if we have to, due to a pregnancy or new baby, that we can back out with no money lost. Today he tells me he hates knowing that the cruise can be pulled out from our future at any moment. That he really can't let himself get excited for it while everyone else is because he knows there's a chance we may not go. He reassured me that he DOES want a kid, and doesn't want to stop trying, but he just has so many emotions going on that I can't seem to read him very well right now. I sort of understand how he feels, but I would give up any vacation to be blessed with a child.
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  #3  
October 18th, 2011, 09:01 AM
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So today I was going to attempt to start temping. I know I'm already on CD12 but I figure since I don't usually O until CD26(ish) it wouldn't hurt to start now. Plus, ya gotta start somewhere and even if it was just to start to get me used to it all together I figured today would be the day. Alarm goes off at 5:20, roll over, take my temp, and realize I have nothing to write it down on, so I decided to text it to myself. Well, I must have been super tired because I definitely did not text it to myself. And it's no where on my phone to be found I tried so hard to think about what the temp was but I can't seem to remember. This stuff is really going to be difficult for me, I can tell already lol. But tomorrows a new day and I now know I better get a pencil and small notebook to go with my thermometer.
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  #4  
October 20th, 2011, 10:01 AM
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I really hate the weight loss issue that comes with PCOS. And the gain of course. 17 day diet was going exceptionally well. For the first 15 days or so. I'm down 9LBS. They all came off in the first week. Second week I didn't drop a single LB. Last couple days I've been terrible and I'm terrified to even see the scale. I know just looking at a carb adds baggage to my hips :/
Why can't this be easy. I really want to lose weight and get healthier in hopes to increase our chances of conceiving but I keep sleeping. Stupid lifestyle change. I wish my parents would have raise me healthier. Maybe then I'd of had some luck. Today's a really bad day for me in the weight category, and with this cold wet gloomy day we're having... it makes me just want to cuddle up and feel sorry for myself.
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  #5  
October 22nd, 2011, 01:10 PM
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It's been a few days since I started temping. And I really wish my chart would look like something to me other then a bunch of dots lol. Obviously a few days is nothing, and I really don't know what to expect or hope for but that's part of learning, the uncertainty before you know something is sometimes a little weird at first
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  #6  
October 24th, 2011, 06:52 PM
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I really wish things would work out for us. OPKs have been really weird lately. They start to get dark then bam nothing. Which usually does not happen for me. But I guess maybe that's the PCOS. The temping is going well, so hopefully that will show something if the OPKs don't. I'm really really praying this is our month. I mean I've been praying every night of every month but this month has got to be it. I really want a BFP before the end of the year. And if my cycle happens to stay on the track it's been on for the past 3 months I will only ovulate 2 more times this year and that would be the beginning of November and the beginning of December and I just found out starting in November hubby will be gone a lot for work. My cycles are starting to become more regular and I've been getting positive OPKS and feeling the O cramping but I'm still not catching that egg. UGHHHH please please please let this be our month.
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  #7  
October 31st, 2011, 06:37 PM
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So I'm starting to get a little nervous that O won't be showing any time soon. Usually my OPKs start getting a little dark by now and they have yet to do so. Past few cycles (I think last 3) I have been Oing around CD27 or CD28 today is CD 25. Because it's super early I haven't taken an OPK, but yesterdays OPK was BARE. Still praying it's our month. I guess all in His time.... we shall see.
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  #8  
November 2nd, 2011, 10:10 AM
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Yesterday and todays OPKs are actually showing a good colored second line! They are gradually getting darker like usual. I hate that I O soooo late in a cycle, but I'm very grateful I am Oing... at least I hope the OPKs are really showing positives I'm sure they are since I'm starting my period around 12-13 days after.
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  #9  
November 3rd, 2011, 07:34 AM
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Why do I always jump ahead of the game?? Today I got my first +OPK for this cycle! And of course, what do I do, head right to the due date calculator. I know I'm not pregnant, and chances are only 25% or less but I still get super excited just to see that +OPK. So, what would my estimated due date be if we did happen to conceive this month.... JULY 28!!! One of my close friends birthday... and only 10 days after mine. I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to have a July baby. Here goes to tones of BD the next few days. tee hee

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  #10  
November 3rd, 2011, 07:36 PM
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AHHHHH I need somewhere to be excited without pissing off any of my friends! So I shall come here to my journal, although it is off subject lol. Hubby is taking me on another cruise!!! I cannot believe it. Although it is a month away it was completely spontaneous and I cannot wait! My BFF and her fiance are coming as well. It's going to be a blast.
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  #11  
November 5th, 2011, 05:49 AM
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I was really hoping to see a huge temp change today to "confirm" O but that didn't happen. Only one +OPK and all the right feelings but FF has not yet confirmed. I guess we will give it a few more days and see what my chart reveals, if anything. I've been doing really good temping every day and roughly at the same time. I think only one day was about 30mins off but I couldn't help it I had to randomly be to work super early.
Well if the OPKs and twinges were right that would put me in the 2WW. I guess I will just pretend I did O but keep up with the BD as much as possible before DH leaves town for business just incase I haven't yet. This waiting game is really starting to become tedious. Wait to O. Wait for AF. Wait to O. Wait for AF. over and over...
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  #12  
November 6th, 2011, 06:06 AM
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I'm so emotional lately. I just want to give up, as of yesterday. I was having a down day. Was letting it all out to my mother and just on the verge of tears and she looks out the window and says "I wonder if the mail came yet". Wow, what a nice way to make your daughter feel like ****. I feel so alone right now. No one listens, no one cares anymore. I think they all just look at me as infertile and don't want to hear about it. Also I had a really big feeling yesterday was my actual O day. The cramps, the +OPK being 2 days before, I dunno, just really think it was the day and DH had no interest in me what so ever. And we missed BD the night before too. So looks like this won't be our month. (then again temps and OPK/cramps aren't lining up anyways so who knows if it was even a real O) Maybe our time isn't going to come. He's so negative and I don't think he understands that sometimes BD will feel like "work", but if we want a baby as bad as we say then I don't see a problem with just going with the schedule every now and then. But, apparently he doesn't feel the same way. Oh well. Maybe I should just be done? I really don't know. This past month I've been so back in forth with my attitude. Sometimes I feel so hope full and others I've been so ready to give up it's not even funny. I just wish I knew what to do or where I stood with all this.
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  #13  
November 6th, 2011, 11:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aubers68 View Post
I feel so alone right now. No one listens, no one cares anymore. I think they all just look at me as infertile and don't want to hear about it.
I'm so sorry hun, it stinks that our OL friends understand so much more than our IRL friends/family do. I guess that's what makes our "cyster" dynamic so powerful here. We are all in the same boat. We all understand. We all have the same frustrations. That's why it's a blessing that we have found each other here!
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  #14  
November 6th, 2011, 04:19 PM
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I am VERY VERY thankful for this site. I have learned so much and it gives me a place to vent or ask questions that may not have an actual answer, but "can" be answered by other cysters experiences
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  #15  
November 8th, 2011, 02:43 AM
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5:40 am and I'm already having a "fat day". I hate when clothes don't fit right. I've lost 4lbs in the last few days and I am feeling like my clothes are getting tighter! Makes no sense to me. It would be really nice if the weight would come off in the midsection. Why can't we pick where to lose it lol. Noooo that would make life too easy

Been having more twinges in my ovaries, mainly on the left side life before. Sorta makes me think this cycle is going to be a long one. I was so happy having 2 "normal" ones in a row, thought it was the start of something good. Wishful thinking.
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  #16  
November 9th, 2011, 08:13 PM
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Sorry you're having all these crappy feelings. My friends are the same way. I just gave up on talking about it. Nobody really cares about my fertility except me. I get a lot of pressure to have a baby at my job(I work at a church nursery) especially since another girl got pregnant. A lot of women are older and they don't understand fertility problems. I just get "practice makes perfect" and etc. If I didnt have my online friends I'd have nobody. Anywho, I'm just trying to say I get that part for sure.

I wish husbands were as willing to put in the work that we are when it came to BD.

I hope this cycle doesnt end up being too long for you, I just got out of an 84ish day cycle so I get those too.
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  #17  
November 10th, 2011, 07:13 PM
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Thanks Amanda! And thats awesome your body finally decided to end such a long cycle. I've had 2 60 day ones, but nothing longer then that... yet anyhow lol.
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  #18  
November 10th, 2011, 07:35 PM
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My body only did it cause Provera made it LOL
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  #19  
November 11th, 2011, 07:36 AM
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Going on cycle day 36 and not even sure if I Oed. I'd like to think I did around CD24 looking at my chart, but CD28 is when I got my positive OPK, but no temps to back it up. I guess we shall see if AF shows anytime soon. My LP is usually around 12 days. That being said AF would be showing within the next 2 days if I did in fact O on CD24, I won't hold my breath.

In other news I've been taking Phentermine and I'm down to 168lbs since last Friday. That's 6lbs in a week, not to shabby. I'm really trying to find a happy medium with this pill though. Taking a whole one at the beginning of the day gives me a killer headache by 1pm. I tried taking half the last couple days and it seems to be working out ok. Now I just need to up my exercise and I'm sure I would be losing a lot more. But I'm still so tired all the time. I know the pill is an appetite suppressant but I thought I would be getting more energy from it because I've heard it gives many people a boost. Not I
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  #20  
November 11th, 2011, 11:21 AM
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It doesn't give me a boost either! It did the very first time I took it but since then it really doesn't. In fact if anything else I feel like it makes me sleepier throughout the day. Good job on the 6 pounds though! Glad you're finding a happy medium with the med and I hope you keep on losing!

Your chart is confusing and I'm not the best chart expert in the world. It does seem like maybe you somehow got a false + on the opk and you o'd. Or it could be stupid PCOS and you didn't O. So confusing
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