[Shawna-mom-to-4]

i am a long time member of Jm but not on here. my name is shawna I am 27 me and my DH have 4 kids DD Jordan 11 DS robbie 2 and 1month old twin boys Brady and Preston. i dont know if I have PPD or just depression in general so this is everything that bothers me. I had my DD at 16 and wanted another baby for years but we waited until we where older so in 2005 we started TTC and after 2 years we where told it would never happen well then I got my surprise BFP!! I was sooo happy so in 2007 Robbie was born and I don't think I have ever been happier. well when he was 6 months old I decided to go on a diet since I was very over weight, over a year I lost 114 lbs! for the first time in my life I felt good about myself then the day after I hit my goal weight I got a BFP, we decided we did not want anymore after Robbie so I was devestated THEN we find out it's twins and I had a long painful pregnancy and never got that same excitement about them as I did with my son, my c-section was bad I felt the entire thing on one side, one baby had a NICU stay, my incision got infected and i had to go for emergency surgery 11 days after birth, at almost 8 weeks I STILL have an opening onmy incision that won't heal, I have 50lbs left to lose and feel gross, money is tight our 2 year old is acting out, the babies don't sleep and have reflux and tummy issues so they scream all the tme our DD has emotional problems and most days I just cry. I feel lost and alone even though
I am not alone, I am mad at myself for not dealing with things better and being happy. I start taking celexa today so I hope I feel better soon but for now I am in really bad shape, I have never thought of hurting my kids, I do love them but it's hard to bond with them when I am pulled 100 different ways. i have had a couple times where I wanted to hurt myself or just walk out the door and not come back and that is not me, I am just really missing my freedom and my body and how things used to be, thanks for listening

[kerian]

aw hon, i am so sorry you are having a hard time.

i cant even imagine how hard it has been for you. with the surgery and twins.

i am sure once the meds kick in, it will help you start seeing things clearly. i found when my meds kicked in it felt like i was waking up from a dream.

if you need to chat i am here.

[The Kimber]

First of all I want to say that is awesome that you lost 114 pounds and you should be proud of yourself!!!!

Sounds like you have your plate full....BIG HUGS
You have been through alot and I can see why you are feeling the way you are feeling.....I hope the meds help you.

[JessP]

That is amazing weight loss. And I am sure once you are healed you will start working out again and that will help you feel better too. A happy momma is better than a sad momma. i can see why you would feel overwhelmed that is alot for one person.

For the reflux tummy issue my son had that. I put him to sleep on his tummy. I know OMG the insanity but his dr said if it helps him sleep then by all means. I mean my sister and I and our generation were all put to sleep on our tummies. And it made a huge difference. He started sleeping more right away. It really helped with the reflux. He also got medicine for a bit but the tummy sleeping helped the most.