[momma.of.two.boys]

First of all I would just like to say, thank you for actually opening this thread, however I'm not writing this for pity or criticism, but to help myself.

So I've had PPD for around 19 months now (diagnosed Octoberish last year though) - I go onto some really good meds to help me sleep and control my moods and anxiety, but since being pregnant (ntnp - silly with ppd but just not being careful!) and not being about to take my meds, I've been spiralling out of control.

I feel like I can't talk to my DH anymore, the insomia has returned and there have been many a thought of finishing it all - not because I want to die, or hurt other people - but because I am just so over feeling the way I do. Sometimes I think the only thing that is stopping me is the baby in my belly and my DS. I spend many nights on the couch or in the spare bed because I just want to be alone. I do a lot of walking at night after dark, when it's cool - somehow it helps me relax. When I was 15, my boyfriend was killed in a car accident on Mother's Day (2003) - so that day means nothing but pain to me - even now that I have a child. DH was the next partner I had, and he often says hurtful things like 'If he hadn't died we'd never have gotten together' and 'I'm just a replacement'. I tell him these hurt and he tells me it's how I make him feel. I never bring Nathan up, though I do still have a few old photos tucked away at my parents he is unaware of.

No one else except DH and BFF know about my PPD - I can't even talk to my mum about it - we've never been close. However, my DH spoke to (step)MIL about it - which I get that he needs to talk to someone too, but she has in turn told the rest of her family and now they all tread very carefully around me which makes me feel super uncomfortable to be there. I had been talking to a male friend a fair bit, who happens to be SMIL's nephew - my DH knew about this and it was seriously nothing more than a few texts here and there - so the SMIL assumed the worst and asked him to stop speaking to me, that I was pregnant (we'd only just found out and had strictly only told family) and had depression and that he wasn't helping the situation. We have since had a LOT less to do with her and FIL - when my DH heard that she'd done this, he was furious! How could cutting my friend off do anything to help me with what I was going through!? Some people are so f&*#ing ignorant, seriously!

Sorry about that little rant. Anyway, I think I'm on the verge of giving up on my family. DH and I have been married for 2 and a half years and were together for 5 years before that. I am due fathers day (September 5th here in Aus) and I just cannot see it lasting out that time. It's really hard financially with me not getting much work and bills coming out our ears - I think this is where the major stresses and anxiety come from. I go up to a week without checking the mail box, knowing what's going to be in there - yes I know it makes it worse, then you miss reminders and they become overdue etc. DH just thinks it's easy street and everything is fine. I try talking to him about it, I'm ready to just hand over the duties of mail collecting and bill paying, it gets me down!!

I guess there are a lot of things in my life I can't complain about - I had a wonderful upbringing, loving and supportive family, got everything I needed (not everything I wanted however hehe), DH works very hard to support us, DS sleeps like a dream and is the easiest toddler I've ever heard of (touch wood, now I've jinxed myself!), etc, but I still feel like my life is spiralling out of control! I just need to run, to getaway. I just, just don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it anymore.

My counsellor is useless, I'm onto my third one, I just can't get comfortable and I have never opened up like I have just now. But strangely, typing to a group of women who have been there, done that makes me feel a little better. I guess another reason I can't open up to a counsellor is that I'm terrified my DS will be taken off me. Don't get me wrong, I would never hurt him, or anything like that and I know that I am the best mother I can be (aside from the fact that I am nuts!), the thought just scares me - he is the reason I get up in the mornings.

I know, and people keep telling me, that things will get better/easier, in time, but I just wish that time would hurry up. I don't want to wait any longer.

Sorry it's so long, but thanks for reading. x x

[JessP]

First off I would like to say that if walking helps, keep doing it. Do those things that help you deal since you can't be on your meds.
Second talk to your dr. There are some meds that are ok to take during pregnancy to help with anxiety and depression. There are ladies on JM and those I know personally that have done it and had perfectly healthy babies. It might help. PPD is nothing to mess around with and you need to make sure that you are taking care of yourself.
If you need to pass of the bills do so. You have enough going on, and it sounds like it might help DH see that you need to change something. Are there any PPD support groups in your area? I don't like counselors either. Please don't feel alone. I have been that far in the darkness. And it wasn't because I wanted to go away, it was because I thought they would be better without me because I was a mess. I now have my children's names tattoo'd on my inner wrists to remind me that they are worth living for. No one except DH and my best friend in Alabama know the reason I put there names there. Well and now you and whom ever else reads this .
Maybe you could try journaling, that can be very thearaputic for many people. I found excersice has helped me among other things like meds. Sounds like your DH is very supportive. I know family can suck sometimes. When my family starts to drive me a little bonkers I pull my DH and kids closer to me and push them away until I am ready to deal with them. If you need someone to talk to we are here. This isn't the mose active board but many people pop in and out. You can PM me anytime if you just need an understanding ear.
you are not alone.

[andi2284]

Definitely find a counselor that you feel comfortable with, you NEED someone that you can talk to and open up to. It will be worth it even if you have to go through 20 of them to get there. I feel the same way, there are certain things I've never talked about because I am worried that even talking about thoughts I've had would get my children taken away from me. I think it's a valid concern, but also don't let that keep you from opening up about other things you are thinking and feeling. I think one of the hardest parts of depression is admitting how you feel and some of your thoughts, that can be very scary!

I agree that sometimes the benefits of being on medication while pregnant can outweight the risks. If you are having a really hard time coping, then it may be helpful for you to be on medicine right now. I think you should research the medication that you were on last to see the risks of it during pregnancy to help you decide if you would like to go back on it. I know of women who have used medication during pregnancy and haven't had any problems with it. Tell your doctor too, most doctors will automatically recommend stopping medication during pregnancy, but they may not realize that some women really need to stay on it.

I've also found exercise to be helpful along with taking extra vitamin D.

We're always here if you need to vent or talk!