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I've never been diagnosed with anything. Mainly because I feel embarrassed for the way I feel. Also, I'm one that doesn't like to go to the doctor unless its just for a routine checkup. I'm always afraid that when I present them with symptoms to find out what is wrong, I"ll be completely wrong, and made to feel stupid.. I don't know where I get that from.
Above all else, I really just can't afford to go to the doctor...
My daughter is going to be a year old in less than two weeks. I cannot tell you how much I love her. She means the world to me. But I get flashes of, what I can only describe, as resentment..or even hatred. It comes over me quicker than I can identify it.
I'm a stay at home mom. I'm still nursing. She's still getting up to nurse multiple times a night. When she wakes up at 6 am, her father acts like he doesn't even hear her, so I'm left to change her diaper, get her dress, and some breakfast while he sleeps a few more HOURS. We currently live with my mom, but we are moving out in the beginning of september. She goes the entire day without ever wanting to be put down. I usually spend atleast 9 hours a day..probably way more, just sitting on my butt on the couch holding her. Otherwise, she freaks out and screams her head off like she's on fire. She loves floor time, but frankly I dont wanna spend all day chasing her.
I just feel like crying alot of the time. Me and her father, who have been together for over five years, and married for about 1.5 months, have been having a really bad patch ofr a while now. since before the wedding even. I try to communicate how much I need the help, and he acts understanding and says he's sorry, but still..NOT ONCE has he taken her before she wakes me up and just gone downstairs and let me sleep.
Sometimes, when I'm holding her and shes totally freaking out I yell at her right in the face. I can tell it upsets her. When it does, I think "good!". What an awful mother I am for thinking that!
I would never hurt my daughter. Me and my husband had a long conversation about how I don't believe in spanking. But lately, if she is pissing me off and not listening to a single thing I say, I'll give her a little pop on the mouth. I tell myself I'm just getting her attention, but what if I start justifying more? There was one time when I was trying to change a poopy diaper..she kept reaching her hands and trying to touch it or grab the diaper or wiggle around. After I was done wiping..I spanked her! I was so mad! a few minutes later, I noticed she actually had a hand print on her but. I gave my baby a welt! I couldn't believe it. And the FIRST thought to cross my mind was "omg..what am I going to do when danny sees this?!" it went away quickly and I never told him. I cry when I think of that day. I feel so bad.
I keep thinking that, once we are out of my mom's house, or once I'm done nursing, and maybe when I go back to work..things will change. I love being a stay at home mom, but maybe I need a break?
Honestly hun it sounds like you need a break. I am not one to tell you your business but it sounds like just mommy frustrations. I don't think you need to see a dr. I think you need an hour at the mall with a nice Latte to help you relax. Don't feel bad about a swat, frustration can get the better of anyone. I would have a heart to heart with DH, perhaps make a deal. One day on the weekend he can get up with her so you can sleep in. I would say start pumping so he can help feed her if you are wanting to have him help more. I don't think you are a bad mom at all. You sound like any other normal, tired mom who needs a break. Take some time for you. You deserve it and you will be a better mommy for it. Leaving for an hour will help you both with separation. A happy mommy is a good mommy . Good luck please know we are here for you if you need us.
One of the signs of my PPD was when I was letting my frustrations get the best of me. What you wrote is something I could have written myself. I would never intentionally hurt my children, but I found myself spanking them out of frustration, being "rough" with them at times and screaming at them when it wasn't warranted. A lot of this is stuff I don't think I've ever admitted before, not even to my counselor when I was seeing her. As parents, I think we're always afraid of not only being judged but what the consequences could be to admit something like that.
I didn't realize how much I was affected by the PPD until I started taking medication and was feeling better. I now can look back and realize how things like being easily frustrated and the resentment towards my husband were actually part of the PPD, and not as normal as I shrugged them off to be. Getting a break never helped me, I would come home and end up right back where I was before. It took some major signs of depression (thoughts of harming myself) before I finally sought help. Looking back, I wish I would have gotten help sooner and didn't talk myself out of it everytime I thought about it.
If you ever need to talk or vent, please feel free to contact me!
Andrea, mom to Abigail (6) Annabelle (4) and Alexis (1)
Sometimes you can work through it and sometimes you can't. It really depends on where you are mentally. Venting can help but sometimes it is just that the hormones are out of sync. Did you go right onto bc after you delivered? I am glad that someone else chimed in. It is so different for everyone. Some people take up a new hobby, some people will work out, some people just find a good friend to talk to and some people take medicine. It really is different for everyone. I am sorry that your hubby wasn't very supportive. Do you have a pastor or women's leader you could talk to? Perhaps a friend that you know will listen without making you feel worse?
We are always here if you just want to post and get your feelings and frustrations out. Perhaps a journal could help.
I just stumbled across this post, and I just wanted to tell you that your husband may be more right than you think. Depo (and any other progesterone-only birth control) can trigger horrible depression, mood swings, and irritability. Seriously, that type of bc is EVIL. I strongly suggest discontinuing it and see if it makes a difference.
If quitting the depo doesn't make a difference, you need to consult with a doctor and consider treatment options, as you clearly sound depressed.
Last edited by ~Jess~; August 19th, 2010 at 04:07 PM.
Just wanted to say HUGS and I agree with the others.
Pumping is a good idea so you can get a break.
As far as it going away on it's own....idk.I read that if it goes untreated it could last for 3 or 4 years I think.
I had my son in Feb 08 and I was crying all of the time for several months and he had colic for about 4-5 months to top it off.It seemed like it got better and then my husband deployed to Iraq when our son had just turned 1 year old and I finally called my ob/gyn and they called me in something mild for aniety/ppd
I wanted to say I think that you def need a break but it might be more than that. I wold suggest seeing the doctor and maybe finding a pyscologist to talk to. I felt this was a lot after my second. I was at my parents and DH was not helping or ever even around. We had bought a house and he was always there working on it or at work. And even though its not like he was out having a good time. I resented him so much for leaving me to care for our 2 kids all the time. He never got up with them at night either. I was also nursing my second until I lost my milk to stress at 11 months. I would snap for no reason, I would yell and be "rough" with them when they frustrated me. I hated myself most for being this way.After my milk dried up, I went out drinking every night when my kids slept, I took pills daily. It didnt go away on its own. I finally talked to the doc after over a year of this. I started seeing a pyscologist and got on meds for depression and anxiety. But when we moved into our own place our second was about 7 months. EVERYTHING changed. me n DHs relationship was so much better. He helped way more. I had my own space. Yea the kids still made me crazy sometimes but i went back to school and got a part time job (time away is healthy and benificial for all of us) and was so much happier. Well I got off meds and we had another baby. I haven't hit the lows I experciened in that 17 months after my second ever again. Yes I have anxiety issues and lots of probs with that but that 17 months was the hardest in my life. Being with your child ALL the time is hard. Getting no help from SO is fuel on a fire.
I still snap at my kids, I still get frustrated and rough with them. Especially if I havent had a break. It happens to all of us.
My advice would be dont wait for a change (moving, being done BFing), make a change. Make time for you. Tell DH or your mom you need a few hours every week, every couple days, whatever it is you need. Take that time to go for a walk. talk to friends, shop. do something anything for you. when you get frustrated leave your child in her crib where she is safe and walk away. Even if you are gone for twenty minutes she will survive. As for the guilt think of all the great things you do for her. You take care of her day in and day out. I mean she isnt going to remember this age anywya but if she did the postives of mommy would greatly outweigh the negatives. We as mommys get so caught up taking care of babies we neglect ourselves. Oh and call the doctor. spending an hr a week talking to a pyscologist can be so helpful. I miss mine dearly. If meds are suggested. consider it. weigh the pros and cons. they helped me through my darkest hours.