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Hi ladies...my name is Carly and I've been a member of JM for a while now, but I'm new to this forum...unfortunately, no offense. I started off in the TTC Room couple years ago (DH and I were trying for our 2nd baby...we only had our sweet daughter at the time and wanted to give her a sibling and add to our family), then after 5 months of TTC we got pregnant (which of course we were thrilled), so then I was in the Jan 2010 DDC, then I had our precious baby boy on 1/6/10 w/ barely any complications at all, and have been in the Jan 2010 PR since.
I posted a similar topic regarding my PPD in my Jan 2010 PR and have had some support from my fellow JM friends, but when I saw there was a specific PPD group here, then I knew that I should reach out on here as well.
A quick summary of me and my family... I'm 29 and DH is 31 (almost 32)...we have our beautiful daughter Cassondra who is 4 years old, and our sweet boy Jaiden who is almost 7 months. I work full time just like my DH although I would love to stay home and raise our kids (I did stay home w/ DD until she was 9 months old but we just about went broke) that is unfortunately not an option for us currently w/ our house, 2 cars, 2 young children, and just the expenses of normal daily lives...I know all of you understand.
Anyway, I took my full 12 weeks maternity leave and did enjoy my time bonding w/ our new baby and was SO VERY MUCH NOT looking forward to going back to work. But again, I have to contribute to our family income, blah blah blah. So I went back to work and pretty much I hate it and have ever since I've been back for the last 3 1/2 months... my boss is such a sexist NONunderstanding man and he's pretty much not liked me ever since I told him I was pregnant last year and has basically held it against me since then. Then there's the commute, which is 1 hour to work and 1 hour to the daycare after work to get the kids...and that's assuming traffic isn't too bad (I work in downtown Dallas, TX). I wish so badly I didn't have to work and be away from my kids but oh well that's life I guess.
Anyway, here's my story...
I am struggling w/ Post Partum Depression and just having a tough time w/ it. This is the 2nd time I've had PPD...I had it after we had our daughter and finally after getting on the right meds, counseling, and exercising I got over it by the time she was about 9 months old. So, my husband and I were prepared that I may get PPD again, after I had our 2nd baby (Jaiden) but I thought it wouldn't be so bad since I have my parents who live w/in 2 miles (when I had DD we lived in PA and I had NO ONE and really needed my mom, now that we are in TX I can see her/talk to her whenever I need), we aren't having too bad of financial struggles at the moment (knock on wood), and b/c I am more educated about PPD I knew what to expect. Well regardless of all that, here I am w/ PPD and feeling so lost and experiencing MAJOR anxiety. Between having 2 young children, working full time, being the sole transportation for both our kids (DH has epilepsy so he does not ever drive our children anywhere and will never drive them, obviously), and then taking care of them at night time (w/ DH's help)... seems to be making my PPD all that much harder for me to deal w/. I started noticing the depression a little bit right after having Jaiden, but it was very very little and since I am already on 2 anti-depressants b/c I've always had depression, then I just figured that's all it was, definitely not PPD yet. Then about 5 months PP (almost 2 months ago) it just hit me, hard. And it seems every single day gets harder and harder. I don't have the kind of PPD where u think of harming your children or anything like that, mine is severe depression, anxiety and panic attacks, and just feeling too overwhelmed and lost to deal w/ anything. I just want to numb myself someway or somehow so I won't be sad and miserable anymore and that's so not like me. I know this is the PPD making me feel so bad and I keep reminding myself that it doesn't last forever and I WILL get back to my normal self soon, it just has to run it's course. Easier said though. I constantly feel like the life I'm living is not what I want for the rest of my life, I don't want to have to work every day till I'm like 60 just to make a regular living, I keep thinking this is not how I envisioned my life when I was a teenager and thought about what my life would be like when I'm in my late 20s. I love my children more than anything in this world and I constantly feel guilty for no real reason at all. I feel like I'm not a good enough mother, they deserve better, I don't spend enough time w/ them, I don't hold the baby enough, I don't spend enough 1 on 1 time w/ DD, etc etc. Then I feel like I'm a crappy wife, still struggling to lose the rest of the baby weight (so self-esteem is definitely not up to par as of now), I feel like I don't help out enough around the house b/c by the time I get home after work and after picking up the kids I'm just so worn out that the last thing I want to do is clean the house. I force myself to workout on my treadmill for at least 30 minutes 3-4 times a week b/c I know how important exercise is when dealing w/ depression (plus I'm dieting and working out to be back where I was pre-pregnancy). I even ordered these 2 book on PPD from Amazon and they are supposed to be the best and are the highest rated for women to read when struggling w/ PPD. So I am definitely trying, not just sitting around being sad, I'm working hard to get better, but it just seems to take so long and I can't stand feeling so miserable. When I got the books in the mail I started flipping thru the pages of one of them and I broke down in tears b/c some of the things it said in there were EXACTLY things I've said to DH regarding my sadness. Mainly, it said some women who have PPD will say "I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up". I've said that to DH a couple times when I get too overwhelmed w/ the emotions and anxiety. I mentioned it above that I'm on 2 different anti-depressants that I've been on for about 2 years now and have always worked very well on me, but they weren't even helping w/ what I'm going thru now. So then I wonder, are the meds not working on me anymore, or is the PPD so bad that I'm feeling this way while on the meds and imagine how much worse I'd be w/o them. The anxiety is really bad too, I've been having panic attacks nearly every night for the last month. I freak out at DH over small things that would normally just annoy me, instead I get so stressed and frustrated I go off at him and break down in tears and hysterical by the time I run off to the bedroom or bathroom to be alone and cry in privacy. He's trying and being as supportive as he can but I feel so bad and wish I wasn't this person right now. I hate this person, I don't know who she is anymore. I want to be me again, and fast. I figured I'd call a psyciatrist I once saw years ago that helped me find the right anti-depressant a while back b/c maybe my meds need to be adjusted or I just need to talk to someone who knows and understands PPD. I got in w/ an appt. w/ the Psychiatrist a couple weeks ago and he changed my meds by removing 1 of the anti-depressants completely and adding in a new one and also giving me medicine for when I have a bad panic attack. I was really proud of myself for even making that first step and going to the Dr...b/c I know that's really hard. I'm definitely not feeling great yet, not even close, but I know it takes time...plus it takes at anywhere from 4-6 weeks for the new anti-depressant to really start working. So in essence, right now I feel like I'm on nothing and I'm just having a rough time, but I know the meds will start kicking in soon, hopefully. I also made an appt. w/ a therapist that is in the same building as the Psychiatrist, but it's not for another month.
Last week was a REALLY hard week, probably the worst yet... I even had to take off 3 days from work b/c I was seriously an emotional wreak and the panic attacks just seemed to get worse. They seem to have leveled off so far this week, but it's the typical have an "okay day" then a "really bad day". I'm worried I'm about to lose my job b/c of all this, but I also want to take care of myself and get better for my family.
I'm sorry to go on and on ladies, I really need to let this out and talk w/ other women who understand PPD. I'm reading the books, exercising, taking the anti-depressants, and I'm still miserable...I'm just want these sad and anxious feelings to go away.
Sorry I just saw this. I went through it after every pregnancy. I went on meds with my first and tried to just work through it with the others. Its a rough thing to go through and I think working does add to the stress of everyday life and PPD. I was never able to be a SAHM so I am not positive. My best advice is talk to someone you trust, exercise and keep trying. You sound like you know what is going on which is a great first step and now you are just working to pull yourself through. I hope you can start feeling better soon.
((hugs)) I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I know how you feel and have dealt with PPD before. It is important that you are open with it and lookin to fix it. I dealt with it in silence for so long after my second. Drinking heavily, then I started making awful choices when i stopped bfing at 11 months and still had PPD. You are already on the road to feeling better and thats brave. I wish I had advice but I dont think I do. You are already doing all the things I would say to do. Just keep talking about it. Post here when you are upset. Rant. Even if nobody replies, just get it out. Its a heavy wieght to carry alone. I hope things get better quick for you.