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I am fearful of everything. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. I feel disconnected from the world. As if there is a glass wall between me and everything else. Most of the time I feel as if I am walking around in a fog.
I get scared life is passing by so quickly. Scared and sad I canít go back to High School or College days. Scared of getting old and seeing my children grow up to fast.
My son is not even a month old I am consumed with panic and feel overwhelmed wondering if I could be a mother to this beautiful child. I am scared of the thought of him being with me forever. Thoughts of should I give this child up for adoption. Giving my little boy to my friends who want to adopt and have been trying for 5 years to get pregnant.
I have terrifying thoughts of something bad happening. Scared people around me will die or I will die. Scared if I did die God would reject me and I would not get into Heaven. But realizing it is not because of what we do or how we perform that we get into Heaven. Realizing its because of the love of God and Jesus Christís death and resurrection that we are saved. It is not what we did but what He did. Hoping that God knows that I truly mean that in my heart and in my mind.
One of the hardest and worst feelings is being disconnected from everything. From family, friends, my baby and most of all myself. Feeling deeply, deeply alone. The one person who has been with you all your life gets up and walks out on you and you donít even have yourself anymore. Looking in the mirror wondering who is this person staring back at me.
Scared to go to bed at night for fear you would die. Scared to be alone. Everytime something hurts, you feel its fatal. Trouble eating and sleeping but staying awake feels awful too.
awwww Please go talk to someone and maybe join a group... i look back and cry because nevans whole first year, even longer is a fog...but i try so hard not to dwell on it... time does go fast.. and so thats why im learning now to move on and dont waste anymore precious time being scared, sad, worried, obsessed etc. Trust me, it will get better in time... there are starting to be some good days for me. I still walk around in fear A LOT, but its better than a year ago, or even a couple mo ago. *hugs*
I am so sorry. There is honestly nothing worse than this. I am here to talk to you, or anyone else. I have and am suffering from PPD and my daughter is 2 and am pregnant with our second child. No one should ever feel this pain. It truly is unfair. I am here though. Maybe it would help to talk to someone... feel free to talk to me!