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I have been dealing with a serious case of postpartum psychosis and bipolar disorder and postpartum OCD. To make a long story short it has been a very long road with 3 hospitalizations in a mental hospital and ECT treatments. I think that they have finally gotten my meds under control, so now I feel like sharing my story.
It started when Megan was about 2 months old. I found it hard to get out of bed and take care of her and Jayna. Then the intrusive thoughts started happening, I could not control them and I obsessed about them. The thing that got me into the hospital the first time was when I imagined throwing Megan down the flight of stairs. I didn't want to, but I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. Then I thought that all 3 of my children and myself were possessed by the devil. I was convinced that we were going to be possessed by the devil. I was so afraid that I couldn't take care of my kids. I finally went into the hospital for the first time. That was when they diagnosed me with postpartum depression with psychosis. For all of you that are not familiar with psychosis it is when you lose touch with reality and have psychotic thoughts. I was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder which often accompanies postpartum psychosis.
The second time I was hospitalized was the day after christmas. I was out of my mind and worried about everything humanly possible and still had the intrusive thoughts. at this point my mother in law was taking care of my kids all day long because I could not be left alone with them. I also thought of suicide as a way out of my misery. So back into the hospital I went and they changed my meeds yet again. The meds they gave me the first time and the 2nd time made me gain 60 lbs so I also have that going for me, yay.
The third time I went into the hospital I wanted to end my life because the thoughts would not go away. I couldn't take it anymore. I was crafting one day and I took a pair of scissors to my wrists, I did not cut, because I was afraid of how it would hurt. Thank the lord that I didn't. They yet again changed my meds and miraculously I felt better. I felt like life was worth living after 9 months of misery. I felt like could participate in taking care of my children. My mother in law still takes care of my children full time and they will be going to child care full time so they will not be in my care for the whole day. I am working slowly to get back to who I was before this happened to me, but I wanted to share my story and let everyone that it is a real disease that can cause real upheaval and can lead to suicide, but I thank the lord made it through. If there is anyone struggling with this disease or even postpartum depression feel free to ask any questions as I have read many books on PPD and PPP and cna hopefully help out. Thank you for reading my story! I hope everyone has a blessed day.
ANDREW AND JUSTINA PROUD PARENTS TO:
Hannah Elizabeth born 5-15-03
Jayna Christine Born 2-16-09
Megan Claire Born 5-10-10
Justina. I need to say that even though you might not feel it, you are an amazingly stong woman to come here and share your story with us. I have been dealing with PPD for around 3 months. I can barely breathe a word of the thoughts and feelings that I have to anyone, let alone admitting them to myself.
It is important to realize the scale to which these diseses can manifest themselves. I am happy that you are finally feeling more balanced. I dont know much about PPP. Is there any indication of recovery time? might you need the meds long term.