Hi, I'm new here. Sorry it's long.

jjohnson0910 · #1 April 17th, 2011, 11:59 AM

Hello,

I was looking around online for a place with forums with mother's who have ppd and I happened upon this one.

To start off my husband and I will be married for 2 yrs this June and well be together total for 8 yrs in October. We have a daughter who is 19 months and another daughter who is 7 months.

Our first one we were not trying but not preventing too. We were discussing getting married and were happy with where we were at in our relationship when we found out we were pregnant with her which by the way was on my husband's birthday and New Year's day. We were ecstatic about her. Our families were ecstatic about her. She was the first grandchild on both sides and the first great grandchild on one and the first one by blood and the 3 one (step) great grandchild on the other side. The pregnancy went good. Had morning sickness through the whole thing. It was more the day sickness. She came and that was the happiest day of my life.

With our second one she was a complete surprise. We were not trying or wanting to get pregnant. I was on birth control and it was making me sick since the beginning. I went to Planned Parenthood to get the depo shot instead which I have been on and know how it works for me. They did the pregnancy test and I wasn't worried about it because I had just had my period the month before and was supposed to get the next week. Well they came back and informed me that I could not get the shot and I figured it was because it would mess up my cycle or I was still on the pill and they wanted to wait til I was done with the pack on was on. Then they told me that I was pregnant. My heart broke. I was speechless. I was not wanting another one at all. So I called my husband on the way to him and broke down crying and told him "I don't know what the h*** we are going to do." He asked why and I told him that I was pregnant again.

Thru the whole pregnancy I just felt different. I was not happy about it. I was always upset about it. So we went to the doctor and had all the tests done and they wanted to do an ultrasound to find out how far along I was. When they said they were not sure if I was actually pregnant or not I was excited. They told me I would have to come back in a few weeks to find out for sure. So we went back and they said I was for sure pregnant. When we left the dr office I started to cry. From then on I was not happy about it. I hated being pregnant.

So when she was born I was not happy to be a mother again. I never wanted to hold, I really did not want anything to do with her. I tried talking to my husband about it and he was told me, you will get over it. How can you feel that way towards her. He did not understand where I was coming from. Until recently, when I slept with someone else, did he tell me I think you have ppd and you need to go in and find out. So I went in and sure enough which I knew I had ppd. I have been on zoloft for the past 3 month now. I think I am doing better. I like to play, hold and feed my second daughter much more than I did at first. But I still have my moments where I think and feel she has made my life worst.

LifesGood · #2 April 17th, 2011, 12:16 PM

you descibed my first pregnancy perfectly.

Hope is my second, she is 6 month and was planned. I always saw my perfect life or being a mom with all boys and I found out she was a girl. After a while I thought I was used to the idea and happy. I was buying dresses and hairbows, but she is a difficult baby and my son was perfect. I feel like a boy would have been perfect and feel guilty.

I am glad that you noticed you had a problem and are on meds for it.

jjohnson0910 · #3 April 17th, 2011, 02:48 PM

Yeah, I tried making a baby blanket for her and anything and everything I could think of to try to get happy about being pregnant with her but never happened. The funny part is my second one is the easiest baby ever. She will play by herself if I need to go clean or do whatever and my first one is the complete opposite of her.

LifesGood · #4 April 18th, 2011, 05:56 AM

it likely is/will be a little easier with an easier baby.

I think having a difficult one is making it all more difficult this time

jjohnson0910 · #5 April 30th, 2011, 09:14 AM

So last night I had a bad night. I thought pretty much all night that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't know if I want to be a mom or if I should be a mom anymore. Then I started to feel ashamed of my thoughts and I started crying a couple times last night about it and almost started a few more times before I actually started to.

Is it normal to feel ashamed for these thoughts?