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I have never posted so personally before but I am so lost. I have a friend who is on this board and I think that sometimes I complain too much to her as well.
Anyyhow, I am a mom to 4 kids. My youngest is 9 weeks old. I am not a depressed crying person, I am a depressed angry person. I hate the world and everyone in it. Does anyone ever experience this type of depression or am I alone?
I find I am angry most of the time and can't recall a moment anymore where I felt truly happy. Oops, the birth of my children but then that is replaced with the anger of having to "do it all". Sometimes it just feels like I'm on my own and I try to explain this to DH and he gets defensive.
My words are not coming out right are they? I am a bad mother. There, I said it. I am. I have yelled at my kids and said things that I don't think any good mother would say. I am overwhelmed with the responsibility of their lives and just don't think I can do them any good.
DH and I have had problems, big problems, and I wonder and feel guilty for how this will affect them, and know it has.
Oh, just forget it, I don't even think I can type this out properly. I used to be one of those judgmental type people who had all of the answers and I know now that I was so stupid then. I just want peace and am so afraid I will never feel that sun on my face again.
Don't feel bad. You are not alone. I am an angry depressed person too. I often feel as tho I am a bad mom to my 3 daughters and 2 foster children. I yell. I also try to explain the "do it all myself" feeling to my hubby and he does not get it either. Have you talked to your DR yet about it? I did and am on Zoloft and it seems to be helping a little but I have only been on it a lil more than a week.
Hi, yes sometimes I am an angry depressed person and sometimes I am a sad depressed person. When I am angry, I tend to take it out on my DH. I feel that I have to do it ALL! I really hope you talk to a doctor so that you can get on the road to recovery. You are not a bad mom, you are just going through A hard time right now. Please don't think you are a bad mom. We know how it is. HUGE HUGS!!
Thanks so much for your help. I was at my doctor's yesterday for my 6 week pp check-up. Okay, okay it's been 9 weeks now but I think that is part of the problem here. I just feel like I need to keep it all "together" because if anything is out of line, I can't cope. For example -- if I am making dinner and DH phones that he's going to be late -- I blow a gasket. Yesterday I came home from taking the kids to the movies and my doc appointment -- DH was having a nap -- that made me so mad. I was mad because I felt so taken advantage of -- it's only a nap for goodness sake but --.
I don't know -- doc gave me prescription for Celex (sp?) and have been on other anti-depressants before but to no avail. The only thing I found I couldn't do was cry. How strange is that? So she gave me the prescription to decide if it is something I want or not. She told me to deal with it before it gets too dark.
A confession here though -- I have always had this issue but it becomes worse after babies. I just don't feel like the person I was -- whoever that was so long ago. Everything seems to make me mad and I do a lot of complaining.
I feel so overwhelmed at moments being a mom. It is the hardest job I've ever done. I love my children and am embarassed to admit I don't act very loving sometimes. I swore when I had kids I wouldnn't cause them the emotional trauma my parents did me and I have so failed in that aspect.
I just don't know how to do this "right". I wish someone could tell me how to do the mom thing. You would think after 4 I would get it, right? But I don't.
There are people who judge that, even on here, why did you have more kids? But I have more reasons for the positives -- just there are days when I can't think of them.