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I am a single mom to six. My last baby was born 4/21/06, so she's not even a year old yet and I am 15 weeks pregnant again.
I had (have) PPD after my dd was born and it still hasn't gone away...which I guess I am just expecting it to do on its own. I am afraid to take anything (long story and has to do with my mom being on meds for depression for over 20 years) and I also don't like the idea of counseling.
Somewhere in my head I know I need some sort of help though. I am feeling most days like I just don't want to be pregnant again, there was no way I could do abortion, that would have killed me, but now I think having this baby will kill me. I am so lonely and sad. I am hardly even functioning. I go through the motions daily, I am trying to save my kids from the effects of this, so I try to act happy and excited for them, but I never feel like doing anything...they keep asking me to go to the library or swimming...I just can't. I don't even want to leave the house. I have to force myself.
It was irresponsible to even get pregnant, but I wasn't even thinking. I was so lonely, depressed and just feeling sooooo worthless, that when I met this guy and he would tell me how pretty/sexy I was it just felt good. The sex made it all go away for awhile. It was like a drug, seriously, and for that time I felt a little more alive.
He is around (the daddy) he wants the baby, is excited, wants a daughter (he has two sons), he even says he loves me and will help me with all the kids......I just feel like whatever. I avoid him. I haven't seen him in 3 1/2 weeks. He lives 15-20 minutes from here, so we don't "run into" each other. I don't answer his calls. I know he wants to see me...I just don't feel like it. I like him, I just figure whats the point, he's gonna end up leaving at some point, so I am protecting myself now.
The MW I see is affliated with a depression clinic and has said if I need it to tell her...but I am, I don't know, embarassed to even admit I am depressed..I feel weak. I am supposed to be this supermom single mom who can handle and do it all......thats what everyone around me expects. All I hear all the time is how "strong" I am.
I am afraid I am doing bad things to the baby...like somehow the baby is gonna know that somedays I wish I wasn't pregnant.
I just don't know what to do. Or really I just can't find the motivation to do anything or ask for help.......I keep thinking if I don't do anything, or something, soon, it is going to be even worse once this baby is born.
Jenifer....The Queen Bee
#12 is on the way
BIG HUGS to you. Being a single mom and having six kids has to be a huge job in itself. And, you are pregnant on top of that. I am sorry that you are feeling so bad. Try not to be so hard on yourself. The baby doesn't know that you wish you weren't pregnant. You will get through this but you can't do it alone. I really believe that counseling will help me, but you said you aren't about that. But, you have to do something. I know it is hard to admit that you are not a supermom. But, there are lots of mothers out there who struggle. The best thing you can do for yourself is get some help. I really hope that you start to feel better. It is a LONG road, but I have faith that we will all get through this. Please keep us posted on what you decide to do....
I'm not going to beat around the bush with you so I'm just going to say it outright k?
there are a LOT of things we never want to do but in the long run when it comes to benefitting either us or our loved ones, is it not true that we have to hold our breath and do it anyway?????
I wish you at least consider the counselling ... no one's saying anything about meds but it's in not only the best interest of your family, baby, unborn child but also YOURSELF that you get some sort of outlet for the PPD ..... PPD does not just 'wear off' in any given time ... and I really doubt it will in fact wear off since you have an almost one year old baby and pregnant right now so your body's going through some more changes
just do try and take care of yourself k?
xxx Lisa xxx
xxx Lisa xxx<div align="center">