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I've got it under control. I didn't seek help though until dd was almost 2.5. I kept thinking it was just all the difficulties of parenting and when we could get passed them, I would feel better. DD had colic, overstimulation issues, feeding issues, fussiest baby on the block and so forth. Just seemed like everything was a huge ordeal, not a go with the flow kinda baby. So I figured, once we got passed this or that, it would be smooth sailing. So when dd started sleeping through the night at age 2, I thought things would level out. But when a small set back would happen, like allergies keeping her up one night or her protesting me over something like eating, dressing, I would just spiral down in that hole again. It just seemed like the smallest things would set me off still and I hated that. I thought once I got some good sleep, I could handle it all again. But I would be good for a while, then something small would happen and I would just hit the floor like life was over as we knew it! So I new I needed to seek help and got Zoloft. I am much better now! I feel good! I can handle things much better, don't yell much and don't cry anymore!! So that is where we are at now!
I had it really bad after my first son was born. Through my entire pregnancy I was taking care of my mom who was dying of cancer and hoping and praying that Myles would be born before she died, but she died on his due date and he came 10 days later. So I guess what happened is when he came I was still dealing with my mothers death plus all these raging hormones and I couldnt take it. I locked myself in the house for the longest time, I couldnt figure out how to deal with him (cuddling, feeding, comforting...) all he did was cry, cry, cry, so I snapped and lost it and ran away. I was very ashamed and still am for running away, but life goes on and it didnt take to long to realize I had made a huge mistake. I was gone for 3 months and when I came back and saw how big he had grown in just those three months I started to cry and I never turned my back on him again.
With the twins it was a breeze. I had my moments with them, but nothing near as bad as I had with Myles. The thing I remember the most about the twins was my lack of sleep, lol!!
I guess I kind of have the same story as Nicole. My ds has been such a handful, one problem after another. Things are a little easier now, but we are dealing with some tough teething problems, and they just won't break through. Plus he gets so overstimulated while he's at the sitters, that he's very difficult to get ready for nightime and bed. It doesn't help that my sitter keeps telling me she swears he shows the same signs her ADHD sons did.
Plus one month before I got pregnant with him I had just finished taking care of my mom hand and foot, and managing her very difficult cleaning business for a year while she went through chemo. She got very sick from chemo, and she by far is not a graceful sick person (not that she should have to be). She lived 45mins from me. I was always running up there to take care of her, staying the night, and running all over town working her very demanding business. So after I finished taking care of her I was enjoying and looking forward to a nice long break to relax and find myself again. But then I was pregnant. I had a lot of stresses going on at home (concerning drug addict roomates), and then at the end of my pregnancy I got bronchitis, the meds they put me on for it made ds drop and almost went into labor. Then my blood pressure spun out of control, and they induced two weeks early, which really concerned (along with the crazy meds they had me on for my bronc. and asthma). Then ds was born and it's been so crazy.
I have ADD on top of it all, and the meds mess me up too much. I went on Zoloft back when things first hit with my moms cancer, and it worked great at first, but then it started a whole new bag of problems. So I've been afraid to talk to my dr b/c I refuse to take meds (my system is ultra sensitive).
And one of my biggest problems is that I want to be a sahm mommy. I can't handle the stresses of working and a complicated baby. Plus I don't like the idea of someone else raising my baby. Every sitter I have found doesn't give me the respect of being his mom and having the final say. They pressure me to do things the way they think it should be done (b/c lord knows just b/c they've had kids of their own makes them the all knowing with your child - what about mom instincts), I don't give in, but it is so frustrating. I got funny looks, rolling eyes, and who's to say what they do when I'm not around. My current sitter kept fighting me and basically refusing when I said I wanted ds to take two naps a day (at 8mos) instead of one. If he takes one in the morning and what late afternoon, then he doesn't fight me so hard when we get home. But she wanted him to have one nap a day so that he would be asleep the same time as her preschoolers, and then she could get 30-60mins to herself. I just wanted to ring her neck. Trust me I know babysitting is hard (most my family made a living at it) and it's nice to have a break, but isn't this about the kids first and foremost. I just feel like I am so stressed! I'm very patient with my son. I still manage to be very patient with my dh. I haven't lost it to my friends that are getting on my nerves. I still bond and play with my son, but not like I want to, I just am too tired. While I was still on leave we bonded a lot, and I felt so connected to him, just from spending the days with him. But now that I'm working that is gone, and I feel like I don't have enough time with him. I don't feel like I get to truly enjoy him. See I tried for four years before my mom got sick, to get pregnant. I wanted him so bad, and I'll I've ever wanted was to be a mom and enjoy my kids, but I feel like it's passing me by, and I'm just a spectator. I don't know if I have PPD, but I do know that I am depressed and frustrated!!
It sounds like it could be a little PPD, who knows? I totally feel your pain as far as leaving your baby at a sitter and losing your bonding time. I have this fear that one day he would rather be with them than with me. Plus, am I going to miss his very first word, very first step, etc. Unfortunately, this is my reality. I am the major breadwinner in the family. If anyone quits working it will be my SO, not me.
Just know that you are not alone. Sometimes it helps to talk to others in your same situation. I hope everything ends up working out the way you want it to.