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Forum: Post Partum Depression

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  #21  
September 3rd, 2008, 07:43 PM
Enchanted Mumma's Avatar ♥KaLeNe♥
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Brisbane, Australia
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Quote:
Although it is a feeling that I would never even wish upon my own worst enemy, as I had suffered from it myself, it DOES pass. I'm telling my story as an example of a worst-case scenario, not ment to offend anyone. My story is pretty graphic, therefore, if you are prone to being easily offended, then don't read any further.

When I got pregnant with my first child, my daughter, I started experiencing really bad mood swings about four months in. I was crying about a good 70% of the time. I asked a friend of mine that had just given birth to her son if she had the same issue. She told me that it would be fine, as soon as I gave birth to my daughter, that the feeling would almost immediately go away. Little did I know that I was really about to walk into what would be the worst 18 month battle for my life.

When I gave birth to Miya, my daughter, things seemed to have gone fine for about a week. I fed and changed her, burped her, etc. But other than that, I wanted nothing to do with her emotionally. I had become completely withdrawn, I can honestly say that she spent about the first 5 months of her life in a bouncy seat. As time passed, I progressively got worse, the crying became more frequent, I started eating alot and eventually got to a point where I could barely push myself out of bed everyday. I would get up, feed her, change her, and go lay back down again. I had literally sunk so far into a black hole that I thought that I was never going to be happy or normal again. I started to resent myself for crying all the time, it also didn't help that my own mother was telling me that "this whole post partum fad was a load of garbage and to get it out of my system and just carry on and raise my daughter." I also resented myself as a mother and a person as well.

It had progressed to a point where I wanted to finally put a stop to it. On our way back from a camping trip, I tried to literally throw myself from a moving vehicle. This would be the first of THREE suicide attempts. I was taken by my boyfriend to the hospital, where they prescribed me a low doseage of Celexa. It seemed to have worked for a month or two. Now, studies reflect that in teenagers and young adults, about 1 in 5 cases experience increased thoughts of suicide when under the influence of prescribed anti depressants. As it so turned out, I was one of those few people. The medication made the crying stop, although I was now this numb shell of an individual that just wanted to die. I missed out on my daughters' first christmas, because of my second attempt after having an arguement with my boyfriend and slashing my wrists. This time, I was placed into psychiatric care for a three week term.

The attending psychiatrist assured me that it was probably because I had needed an increased dose of the anti depressant that I was on, so I went along with his advice. I was released, and once again, within about a matter of a few months, I had made my third attempt.

This time, it proved to be quite effective. I took a three month supply of my anti depressants, which, in turn, had coagulated my blood to a point where it wasn't able to pass through my organs, therefore, they had begun shutting down, one by one. I was placed on life support and had to be revived twice by way of defibrillator. Needless to say, I made it out alive. I had brain damage for two months afterward and almost completely lost my daughter. I stopped the medication and haven't had a single problem since.

I'm telling you this in detail, not to alarm any of you, but to warn you of the dangers that are associated with anti depressant medications. I'm in no way stating that it may not work for some of you, but it is also not always the best treatment. PPD is associated with the hormone withdrawal that a woman goes through upon being parted from her baby physically. Anti depressants are usually prescribed to alter and increase the chemical balance of serotonin which is released (or not released) into the brain, thus causing anxiety and depression. This could very well be caused by the hormone withdrawal, but why run to anti depressants, when, if given time, the hormones will regulate themselves again, as will serotonin levels. Anti depressants are also highly addictive in a sense that the body becomes so dependant upon them that alot of it's users become "lifers."

Speaking from personal experience, I believe that if I had given it a bit more time, gone and sought out counselling to talk with someone and cry it out, the PPD would have passed on it's own. My hormones would have regulated in time, and I wouldn't have had to go the anti depressant route, which clearly wasn't the answer.

I am also now pregnant with my second, and have experienced NONE of the feelings that I did with the first, so there's proof and reassurance that it doesn't happen with every pregnancy. I spent a while being apprehensive about getting pregnant again after what I had gone through with the first.

What I'm trying to say is, as horrible as it is for some, it DOES pass. My best advice is to surround yourselves with people that love you and talk about how you're feeling. And above all else, just love that beautiful little miracle that was granted as a gift to you. [/b]
Thank you so much for sharing...I try to post as much of my own story on here as possible to help others see that there is light at the end of the very dark tunnel.
You are so very right that there are SO many ways of dealing with this disease, sometimes meds are not the way and sometimes they are essential (as in my case), it really depends on the individual, the type of depression they are suffering (as they are many different forms of PPD) & also the support systems they have in place.

Congrats on being pregnant with # 2...DH and I are also TTC again. Here's hoping we both never suffer the way we have in the past again.
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  #22  
September 30th, 2008, 05:08 PM
ETanny's Avatar Mamma 2 Moo & Pops
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Location: Hull
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I will start at where i think it started. I knew all along how i wanted to give birth to my baby. Naturally, As little drugs as possible and In water. From around 32 wks pg I was told i had polyhydromnisis (way to much water around my womb) and that there is no way i would last till my due date and that if my waters break the baby will come straight after. So time rolls on and my due date comes and goes and no sign of the baby. I get enduced on the 25th October, early hours of the morning of the 26th my waters break, no contractions no pain no nothing, not even a baby. I have an internal in the morning the baby isnt even engaged and so i wasnt dilated. Another lot of the enducing tablet and i am still not dilated or engaged. So i get put on a hormone drip for 6 hours and still nothing so i get cut open, and even that didnt go smoothly!!
After 45 mins they decided that they couldnt get the epidural in me so i had to go under general ansthetic. I dont remember much after that till my lil girl was about 6 hours old. I remember looking at her and not feeling that sudden rush of love. I hated having visitors and I didnt want anyone to touch her. But i laid there on my bed and just took it.
Skip forward about a month and I was/ still am a total diffrent person. I didnt want anyone to have her yet i didnt want her either. I resented myself for having this baby that she didnt deserve me. I couldnt stand her crying and i just wanted her to stop so i could go back to bed and cry my self to sleep.
I didnt/dont like anyone else pushing her pushchair!
I had everyone coming up to me telling me how lucky i must be because she is gorgeous, And id think well i dont feel lucky. What can they see that i cant?!
I'd spend hours crying, feeling alone and isolated. I even wanted to hurt my self, never wanred to hurt my DD though! I went to see my GP and was placed on Fluxotine and I was on them for 3 months before i went back and told him that they are not working so he upped my dosage. I feel like i put this huge fake front on so noone can see that i feel like i am dying inside. I havent been back to my doctors as i dont want him to think that i am a bad mum. I am just hoping this goes away on its own.
Ive also been so tempted to take my self to the hospital, but i have been put of with what do i say when i get there!
I even went back to work about a month ago and also i like my job i feel its the worse thing i could have possibly done. I put down on my application form that i was depressed not that i was suffering PPD. I work with one woman particular who i want to scream at so much because she is constantly picking at things i do. Its the last thing i need right now.
As for my SO he has been my life support right from the start, He has taken so much abuse from me this past year i have no idea why he has stuck around. I snap at him and my daughter for no reason. I am just an all round horrible person, and i have told him he can do so much better if i wasnt around.

I am very reluctent to admit i have a problem, I refuse to let my partner tell me i have PPD, even though deep down i know i have.
I just feel stuck in a rut.
My daughter is one in 27 days and I still dont feel like i used to do.
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  #23  
November 27th, 2008, 03:52 AM
Enchanted Mumma's Avatar ♥KaLeNe♥
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Brisbane, Australia
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Quote:
I will start at where i think it started. I knew all along how i wanted to give birth to my baby. Naturally, As little drugs as possible and In water. From around 32 wks pg I was told i had polyhydromnisis (way to much water around my womb) and that there is no way i would last till my due date and that if my waters break the baby will come straight after. So time rolls on and my due date comes and goes and no sign of the baby. I get enduced on the 25th October, early hours of the morning of the 26th my waters break, no contractions no pain no nothing, not even a baby. I have an internal in the morning the baby isnt even engaged and so i wasnt dilated. Another lot of the enducing tablet and i am still not dilated or engaged. So i get put on a hormone drip for 6 hours and still nothing so i get cut open, and even that didnt go smoothly!!
After 45 mins they decided that they couldnt get the epidural in me so i had to go under general ansthetic. I dont remember much after that till my lil girl was about 6 hours old. I remember looking at her and not feeling that sudden rush of love. I hated having visitors and I didnt want anyone to touch her. But i laid there on my bed and just took it.
Skip forward about a month and I was/ still am a total diffrent person. I didnt want anyone to have her yet i didnt want her either. I resented myself for having this baby that she didnt deserve me. I couldnt stand her crying and i just wanted her to stop so i could go back to bed and cry my self to sleep.
I didnt/dont like anyone else pushing her pushchair!
I had everyone coming up to me telling me how lucky i must be because she is gorgeous, And id think well i dont feel lucky. What can they see that i cant?!
I'd spend hours crying, feeling alone and isolated. I even wanted to hurt my self, never wanred to hurt my DD though! I went to see my GP and was placed on Fluxotine and I was on them for 3 months before i went back and told him that they are not working so he upped my dosage. I feel like i put this huge fake front on so noone can see that i feel like i am dying inside. I havent been back to my doctors as i dont want him to think that i am a bad mum. I am just hoping this goes away on its own.
Ive also been so tempted to take my self to the hospital, but i have been put of with what do i say when i get there!
I even went back to work about a month ago and also i like my job i feel its the worse thing i could have possibly done. I put down on my application form that i was depressed not that i was suffering PPD. I work with one woman particular who i want to scream at so much because she is constantly picking at things i do. Its the last thing i need right now.
As for my SO he has been my life support right from the start, He has taken so much abuse from me this past year i have no idea why he has stuck around. I snap at him and my daughter for no reason. I am just an all round horrible person, and i have told him he can do so much better if i wasnt around.

I am very reluctent to admit i have a problem, I refuse to let my partner tell me i have PPD, even though deep down i know i have.
I just feel stuck in a rut.
My daughter is one in 27 days and I still dont feel like i used to do.
[/b]
Aw Sweetie. I'm sorry I am only replying to this now. You are so not alone Hun...so much of what you wrote I know, I feel, I live. I truly believe you need to find a Doc that you trust and that is regular...you need to be monitored on your medication and you need to admit to your DH (I know it's hard) that you have a problem & you need help. Asking for help is not an admission of failure, of being a bad Mum it's the complete opposite...you are admitting you need help so you CAN be a better Mum and be the person she needs you to be and most importantly be the person YOU want to be again.

Your labour sounds like hell!! It does make it so much harder when you have something all planned out in your mind and it's goes way off course...that is a HUGE factor in the development of PPD.

How have you been feeling lately?
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  #24  
November 4th, 2009, 09:50 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1
I had me second child 15 months ago and still suffering from PPD. I don't want to get a shower in the morning, I do not want to play with my kids. When is it going to end? The dr. upped my script from 50 to 100mg about 4 months ago. Some days it seems to be enough and others I have no desire to get out of bed. I thought I would feel better by now!! I know I am not any better when I look at my house and could care less if it is clean or not. I manage to do just enough so my husband doesn't say anything. I want to feel better!!
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  #25  
November 19th, 2009, 09:30 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2007
Location: NE MS
Posts: 9,524
I have 2 children(a 20 year old and a 20 month old)
I don't think I had ppd with my first but I am positive I had it with my second.

Both of my pregnancies were hard and I got toxemia/pre-eclampsia both times and was put on bed rest both times.I was induced at 39 weeks with my son due to my high blood pressure.My body would not cooperate so they had to do a c-section.I felt like I was "cheated" because I didn't get to hold my baby first.My husband did.And while I was in recovery he and all of our families were looking at him in the nursery and I missed it all.

When they brought me back to the room I was upset because my husband,daughter and son were not in the room and when they were I was afraid to hold my son because I was so drugged.I don't remember much about the 24 hours after he was born.It was an awful feeling to know that I was drugged and missing out on bonding time with my baby.They gave me percocets and I had awful hallucinations so I didn't take them anymore.

The pain from the c-section was awful and I felt llike I was being cut open again.
I cried all the time and didn't want to go anywhere and didn't want any company either.My baby got colic around 3 weeks old and they changed his formula 3 different times before they found the right one.So he had colic until he was 4 months old.

The first time we took him shopping he was around 3 months old and it was a disaster.He threw up all over me and my husband had to go and buy me a t-shirt to change into.We didn't go anywhere else with him until he was 5 months old.

He started sleeping better and I felt somewhat better,but I was still very emotional and cried at anything and everything.Then we found out my husband would be deploying to Iraq and that didn't help things either.He left in May of 09 and I finally called my ob/gyn's office a little over a month ago and thehy precribed me lexapro and I can tell a huge difference.I am more myself now and I am starting to get out more now.I am more patient with my toddler and I am happier now and not feeling alone and lost.

Sure,i still get emotional,but it is so much better and I wish I would have gotten something alot sooner.
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