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Forum: Post Partum Depression

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  #1  
August 3rd, 2005, 12:20 PM
ericalaurel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Hello ladies,

I thought this would be a good topic for the PPD board, so that we could share our own stories of how we first developed PPD, as well as share some feelings/thoughts that we have experienced while dealing with PPD. Even if you are a veteran to the PPD board, if you wouldn't mind sharing your story here, I'm sure it would be appreciated by those who are currently visitors, and by those who may visit in the future.

It is my hope that new visitors to the PPD board will be able to read this thread and know they are not alone! Hopefully they will feel comfortable enough to share their experiences on this thread in the hopes that they can help other women as well.

Best wishes and to you all,
Erica
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  #2  
August 3rd, 2005, 12:48 PM
ericalaurel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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While I haven't dealt with post partum depression, I have been dealing with pre-partum depression since the first few weeks of my pregnancy. I am now 13 weeks along, and the severe mood swings are still with me. The depression ranges from a mild emptiness to severe depression which makes me feel completely useless and an absolute failure as a soon-to-be parent.

During these times I yell at my DH (who in reality is a really good hubby and very patient considering my hormones). We had an incredibly strong marriage that had been through nothing short of hell because of my previous job, etc., before the pregnancy, and we still do, but because of the mood swings and depression I sometimes convince myself that we will be hurting this child by staying together. I tell myself that we should be apart and I should just move home because we are too different, and that my DH takes me for granted, etc. We always work things out in the end, but I KNOW that I would not be having these feelings were it not for the hormones that I feel are simply out of control.

Luckily medication and talking about the emotions I'm experiencing do help some. However at times I still feel plagued by feelings of failure and lonliness. I feel like I'm going to let my child down once he/she is born, and like I already am by not doing what I should be health-wise during the pregnancy. I am ashamed to admit that at one point I considered terminating the pregnancy because I thought it would be better for the baby (which again, talking to DH has helped me though and gotten me past). This is something that I have always vehemently opposed for myself, no matter the circumstance, so I hope you can understand the severity of the situation.

It was at that point that I came to the Mental Health/PPD boards here on JM. I love my DDC, but knew that I needed advice from women who have specifically dealt with this. Here I've found support that I will always be grateful for-with each post I feel that I'm helping myself by expressing my feelings and just "letting it out", and the hope that my posts will reach (and perhaps help) someone else who is hurting only encourages me to post more.

I hope my message has helped in some way. If you have a story to share about PPD, will you please post it below? Your message may help someone who's reading this board more than you could ever know.

Take care everyone, and best wishes,
Erica
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  #3  
August 9th, 2005, 05:00 PM
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I had severe PPD with my first baby, and unfortunately I was a teen mom at the time, who was isolated from friends and family. I literally suffered in silence and with lots of tears for almost a year. This was ten years ago, so I hope that professionals now are doing a better job of screening for moms who are experiencing PPD.

With my second, when the endless (oh, and I mean endless) tears began to flow a few days after birth, I knew. I immediately spoke with my doctor who presribed me an antidepressant, which I took for less that 6 months and breast fed, with no side effects to my baby. It was such a life saver, and it was great to have a doctor and family that understood that my coping mechanism needed to be meds until my hormones cooled off.

Don't be afraid to explore medication or other alternatives when suffering from PPD. PPD can be severe and debilitating and can really impact your ability to parent . . . and you do NOT have to resort to sucking it up and waiting through it.

Just my thoughts . . . [COLOR=blue]
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  #5  
April 27th, 2006, 02:04 PM
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Hi....I'm new to this kind of forum but am really glad to see that there is one for those of us suffering from ppd.....I have ppd....I ended up in the the hospital and am now getting help that I need. I thought I was going out of my mind and that it was all in my head.
Our introduction to parenthood didn't start off to well. My daughter ended up being re-admitted to the hospital twice....the last time she was diagnosed with a blood disorder that we still don't what it is exactly. That was very frustrating sitting with her in the hospital day after day and not knowing what was going on. It also didn't help that my husband would leave us there and go somewhere for a couple of hours....I really resented him......actually I still do...but that is another story.
I am on medication ....went on days after she was born.........could feel myself slipping away
I hope that I will hear back from others who are in the same boat....the PPD.....
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  #6  
June 3rd, 2006, 09:38 PM
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I also struggled with PPD.

I was on meds for an anxiety disorder pre-pregnancy and went off when i became pregnant. My pregnancy was very rough. I experienced everything in the book: nausea, spotting due to low-progesterone, back aches, nosebleeds, sharp upper thigh pains, painful feet, headaches, heartburn, gestational diabetes, and group b strep. I was induced. Labor went all day and only progressed to 4 cm. Two epidurals and a shot of epinephrine later from severe drop in blood pressure I was laying on the operating table being cut open. Ava was born on Dec 22. Two days later she developed severe jaundice. We ended up being in the hospital for 5 days over Christmas.
One week later I was started crying, feeling overwhelmed, and had thoughts of my husband leaving me. I was nauseaus all the time. I wasn't eating. The sound of Ava crying made me sick. My mom had to come stay with me to help. I didn't want to get out of bed. I ended up in the ER and had lost 30 pounds in less than 2 weeks. My physician prescribed me some anti-depressants. I have been on them ever since. I made a turn around in about a month. I have been doing well ever since and am still taking meds. I still get lonely and depressed sometimes, but it's nothing I can't get through.
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  #7  
August 16th, 2006, 06:19 PM
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Hello everyone, I'm new at all this so bear with me. I'm a single mother of a 2 1/2 month old boy. I have been suffering with Anxiety disorder and ptsd since I was 16, it was almost totally gone before I got pregnant, but while I was pregnant it came back with a vengeance. I hoped that as soon as my son was born I would get better but I didn't, but I was dealing with it. I loved my son to death, I did everything for him, i never got stressed or frustrated i was just anxious. Then at my 6 week check up I got the depo provera birth control shot, and within 24 hours I was crying non stop. I started seeing a psychiatrist and he has been messing around with my meds since and now the depression and anxiety are at the worst they have ever been. I don't have any feelings for my son, and I get anxious when I think about having to take care of him. I'm staying with my sister for now, and the doc says the meds they put me on should work but they take 4-6 weeks. I don't know how I am going to survive until then!
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  #8  
August 17th, 2006, 09:07 AM
mrobinson
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Quote:
Hello everyone, I'm new at all this so bear with me. I'm a single mother of a 2 1/2 month old boy. I have been suffering with Anxiety disorder and ptsd since I was 16, it was almost totally gone before I got pregnant, but while I was pregnant it came back with a vengeance. I hoped that as soon as my son was born I would get better but I didn't, but I was dealing with it. I loved my son to death, I did everything for him, i never got stressed or frustrated i was just anxious. Then at my 6 week check up I got the depo provera birth control shot, and within 24 hours I was crying non stop. I started seeing a psychiatrist and he has been messing around with my meds since and now the depression and anxiety are at the worst they have ever been. I don't have any feelings for my son, and I get anxious when I think about having to take care of him. I'm staying with my sister for now, and the doc says the meds they put me on should work but they take 4-6 weeks. I don't know how I am going to survive until then![/b]
here girl.. I'm Michelle.

Hon, I know right now it's hard to see past the moment. I hope you can see this place and the mental health board there are lots of girls that feel the same way and have been right where you are... We can talk about it here if you want.. I hope you find this place to be comfortable to chat.

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  #9  
September 17th, 2006, 09:16 PM
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[color=#CC33CC][size=3]I am new to this but i recently experienced extreme PPD. I found out i was pregnant 3 weeks before Hurricane Katrina. I thought everything was fine and I was holding it all together for my 3 year old. Then Hurricane Rita hit and we still couldn't return home. When we finally did get to come home which was still before they had electricity we were living on a shrimp boat. Not very big when you have a 3 year old and pregnant. Then we got our FEMA trailer. Not very big either but it was a home. Then around Christmas time i began getting sick. I was in and out of the hospital too many times to count. All i wanted to do was lay in bed, throw up, and cry. I didn't want to take care of my little girl. They tried me an numerous anti-depressants but they seemed to make me think stupider than i was already thinking.I began sticking my finger down my throat cause i thought it made me feel better. We decided that it was best to get away from our situation for a while. We went to Utah tovisit with my grandma. We figured if I got away from the island and the destruction a while things would get better. I was trying to hide it from my husband that i was sticking my finger down my throat but my grandma figured it out. He watched me all day and i would phsically fight with him to throw up but he wouldn't let me. It was like a drug I was addicted to. It became an addiction. I finally realized i needed God in my life. When i turned to God the urge to stick my finger down my throat slowly went away. I would not be where I am now if it wasn't for god. We are back home now and i have fully put my trust in God. I am happy, my children are happy, and my husband is happy. I love both of my kids more than anything else in this world and I think everything we have been through has made us stronger as a family. We are still living in our FEMA trailer but it doesn't seem so bad. I am thankful everyday for our trailer cause there are still some people in NO that do not have a place to live a year after the storms. If anyone needs to just talk I am willing to listen and pray with you. I would have gotten nowhere with no prayer. May God bless all of you.
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  #10  
September 17th, 2006, 09:28 PM
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I was in the same boat you are in if you would like to email me i will be happy to keep in touch with you. I have been through both hurricanes last year and I was pregnant for both. Trust me talking about it is the best thing you could do. Please, Please email me and I will talk with you. My email is haileyapton111@gotojesus.com I will be praying for you. I posted my story on the board if you would like to read it. Always remeber you are not alone in this. My husband was not always there for me either so i know where you are coming from. I hope to hear from you soon.
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  #11  
October 16th, 2006, 11:06 AM
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Hey all, I don't post much, but I'm dealing with what I guess is Post Partum Depression, ... I've dealt with depression all of my life and then after my son was born it just started getting worse. I often cry, feel tired a lot, and get sooo frustrated and angry to the point it'll scare me and I just say screw it and decide to get a babysitter. Dh did NOT help me, I'm at my mom's now, since the last big fight we had was really bad.. which, I don't want to go into right now. Dh only helped me about the first week that I had Tyler and that was it... even when I'm to the point I just get frustrated and feel bad about THAT and about the fact that dh doesn't help me and want to leave the baby laying there crying in the middle of the night and throw something through the window .... he just says that it's my "job" and he "works" therefore he's tired and doesn't want to help.

Anywho.. I'm hoping I'll get over it even though it seems to me it's getting worse. I can't afford to go to the doctor and Dh would rather spend $150 on a gun for hunting than take me to the doctor before I end up hurting someone. Absolutely NOBODY will or CAN see me with no insurance and/or no money. This is what I'm upset about and why I wish I would've moved back to Texas the second I turned 18.

And on top of it, I'm stressing because our electric is supposed to be shut off this week, our house payment is due in less than 3 weeks and what? DH would rather blow his money on stupid crap.

Yeah, sorry for the vent but I just needed to let out something in hopes it would help.
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  #12  
February 28th, 2007, 12:38 PM
Colee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My story is somewhat different...
My Son was born May 11 2005...by time he was 2 weeks old I found myself lashing out...to my husband,to family/friends...even to my own daughter I was so overwhelmed and wanted to do it all by myself...I refused help from anyone.

I remember one night,trying to get my colicky son to sleep...I was just crying and sobbing. My dh came into Ryan's room and asked me what was going on(he heard my sobs thru the monitor). I asked him if we could give Ryan up for adoption. I BEGGED him...to give our son away! When he said we couldnt because Emily would miss her brother...I started to have rational thoughts of HOW we could explain to her why her brother was givien away

This is when I realized I had a problem.

Over the course of the next couple of monthes things went crazy for me. I had constant thoughts of death. How I could run my car off the road,to look like an accident,but really be suicide. I never had harmful thoughts about Ryan...either one of the children. But I constantly thought about harming myself....that my children would be better off without me

I did things completly out of my charactor. Things I am very ashamed about...when I finally went to my dh and explained what I had done...I knew I needed to get help.

I started seeing a therapist and to this day I still see her. Ryan will be 2 in May and I know I no longer have PPD. But I am depressed still,from other issues. PPD can be treated,and does go away with time....getting the help I needed was the best move I ever made!

I have had to mess with meds ALOT to get the right combo for me. That was discouraging...but currently I am taking Paxil and that seems ok.

Ladies...dont be ashamed. If you feel this way ever,especially after birth...get help! There is no reason to cloud your joy of a new baby with depression.

Good luck
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  #13  
October 10th, 2007, 08:11 PM
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Hi,

My name is Afton and I am a Physician Assistant student and psychology minor. I have been researching postpartum depression for a class paper because I am at high risk of developing it when I have children. I was hoping to get some first-hand knowledge and experiences to help me have a better insight into this disorder. If there was one thing that you could tell me as a possible sufferer and as a future health care professional what would it be?

Thanks for your help!!
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  #14  
November 16th, 2007, 08:32 PM
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Hello everyone, I had my post op appt today and was told
I have post partum depression. Now I have 6 kids and never
once have I had this after any of my pregnancies but my last
pregnancy I had to have a D&C&E due to health reasons at 14
weeks into my pregnancy and I can't say its been easy but
like anyone I have my bad days and my good days or maybe
im just sugar coating my true feelings.
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  #15  
December 18th, 2007, 08:13 PM
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Hello Ladies! I've popped in here time and again. During my 7th month of pregnancy, I started getting the blues big time, and discovered I had pre partum depression. My doc put me on antidepressants at that point to help me ward off post partum. I was on zoloft until we ran out of our insurance...when I stopped cold turkey (SO NOT fun!) Life has been very rough lately....I've been dealing with a lot of loss, death, illness, financial troubles, DH getting laid off, having to go back to work plus old issues like mental, physical, sexual abuse and all that...all stressers that really get to me and bring me down. I've been having a harder and harder time dealing with the depression and anxiety. My first day back to work, I was hysterical. I couldn't stop crying before I even left (over an hour before I left) so when I walked out of my house, I drove directly to the hospital instead of work. Finally, I told someone what was going on and went for help.... I was given the choice of being admitted to the hospital or starting a program called Crisis Diversion. It's a 60 day intensive outpatient program. I have a case worker who comes to my house once a week, fast track to see a psychiatrist to get back on medication plus nurses and counselors to help me.

Having a baby is an amazing time but it is also very very hard to adjust to. I love my son more than life itself which I think is why I have such a hard time. Having him opened me up and made me more vulnerable than I have ever been in my life. I live in fear of everything because I feel like I couldn't take losing him. I feel like a person can only take so much...

I have my appt with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm looking forward to getting on something that will regulate my moods and help me see the good in life again....I really miss it.
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  #16  
December 20th, 2007, 09:47 AM
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It just dawned on me that I haven't posted in here! Soooooo Here's my story.

While I was preggers I had a small bought of depression...it was triggered by finding out that I was having a DD instead of a DS. As I layed on the gurney and was told....Yup it's a girl I cried......I cried as if I was just told my baby was no longer living. Since I worked at a Clinic that does Ultrasounds the Tech was a friend of mine. And boy was she shocked by my reaction. Heck even i was shocked. I knew I wanted a boy always have. Even all my baby dolls growing up were boys. So, For the next few months other things in my life went haywire....vehicle breaking down, hours cut at work, a death of a child close to me. It was horriable....but like normal I was able to climb my way out of that darkness and back to my happy go lucky life. Then I delivered Shyla........I was so out of it that if it weren't for my Mom and sister I would have slept thru it. And because of that I used to get so mad at myself. I would apologize over and over to my DD because I wasn't good enough for her because I missed her birth. But I never really thought of it as PPD....I just thought of it as a normal regret. As the time passed I would do little things when ever Shyla would get upset such as laying her in her bed and yell at her "fine since you don't love me I'm going to take you to your father and you will never see me again" the second those words would leave my lips I would instantly start crying because I could never ever leave her. So i would pick her up and just hold her and kiss her and tell her I was soooo sorry over and over again. This was an almost nightly thing. then finally one night after doing that I realized what was wrong with me. I had PPD. So after sitting on a waiting list for a month to get into to see my Dr I showed up and I cried to them about what a horriable mom I was because Shyla cried ever night and I would tell her I was gonna leave her alone. My dr just smiled and told me that he's glad that I came in. Gave me Zoloft and told me to see him again in a month. Once I started the pills the more i could see exactly what I was doing that was just NOT ME. I have always been able to deal with everything with a nice coool calm attitude. heck I could have a blow out arguement with someone without raising my voice. That's how much self control I normally have. but i had gone from that calm cool person to yelling and snapping at everyone i came in contact with that upset me. I also realized that there real is a dark cloud that hangs over someone who is suffering from depression of any kind. So I call PPD the darkness. I lived in the darkness for the first half of Shyla's life.

I still have recently been forgetting to take my pills, causeing me to have alot of up and down days. Like the past few days. I have had alot of stressers happening and I'm back in the darkness. I hate being in the darkness. But I know that I can get out of it again.
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  #17  
March 12th, 2008, 05:34 PM
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Hi ladies~~

I just wanted to share my story and hopefully get some advice from others in my situation. I am told that I am not crazy, and that there are many women that suffer from post partum anxiety.

I have a history of anxiety and agorophobia, I was 7+ years cured. I had my daughter (2yrs) with no problems and then my son was born (3months), when he was 1 month old I got hit with PPD. It has been the hardest struggle I have ever endured. I know that I am not alone in this, yet it seems like I couldn't be more alone some days.

I am seeking therapy and doing the meditation, visualization route. I am told that statistically my recovery should be shorter than most because I have been down this road before....still little peace in that.

Any advice?
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  #18  
April 14th, 2008, 10:31 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 755
Quote:
My story is somewhat different...
My Son was born May 11 2005...by time he was 2 weeks old I found myself lashing out...to my husband,to family/friends...even to my own daughter I was so overwhelmed and wanted to do it all by myself...I refused help from anyone.

I remember one night,trying to get my colicky son to sleep...I was just crying and sobbing. My dh came into Ryan's room and asked me what was going on(he heard my sobs thru the monitor). I asked him if we could give Ryan up for adoption. I BEGGED him...to give our son away! When he said we couldnt because Emily would miss her brother...I started to have rational thoughts of HOW we could explain to her why her brother was givien away

This is when I realized I had a problem.

Over the course of the next couple of monthes things went crazy for me. I had constant thoughts of death. How I could run my car off the road,to look like an accident,but really be suicide. I never had harmful thoughts about Ryan...either one of the children. But I constantly thought about harming myself....that my children would be better off without me

I did things completly out of my charactor. Things I am very ashamed about...when I finally went to my dh and explained what I had done...I knew I needed to get help.

I started seeing a therapist and to this day I still see her. Ryan will be 2 in May and I know I no longer have PPD. But I am depressed still,from other issues. PPD can be treated,and does go away with time....getting the help I needed was the best move I ever made!

I have had to mess with meds ALOT to get the right combo for me. That was discouraging...but currently I am taking Paxil and that seems ok.

Ladies...dont be ashamed. If you feel this way ever,especially after birth...get help! There is no reason to cloud your joy of a new baby with depression.

Good luck[/b]
You just said everything that I have been feeling for the past 4 months....I never have feelings towards my son as far as harming him but I lash out at my DH and everyone else around me and I am finally seening a counselor now and they have just recently started me on Lexapro...and weaning me off of Zoloft....I will be completely off of it in another week... I have had depression and anxiety for about 10 years and I sometimes jsut feel like eveyrone would be better off with out be being here...DH and I argue ALL the time and you know the funny thing is is that he and I tried for our DS for 4 years and now he's here and I can't even fully enjoy him b/c I am crying ALL THE TIME, I stay up all hours of the night and get frustrated so dang easily.....it's just so nice to read that there are other people out there that feel or have felt the way that I am and that I'm not alone even though I don't have the support from my DH like I would like to have.
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  #19  
August 20th, 2008, 03:01 AM
Enchanted Mumma's Avatar ♥KaLeNe♥
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Wow..nearly 2 years since I was first diagnosed with Postpartum Depression. I was diagnosed when my daughter was 1 week old. I am currently still on medication but a very small dose. I am happy and thought free.
I have officially been diagnosed with PND with OCD tendencies. This includes depression, anxiety (including panic attacks), intrusive thoughts (thoughts of hurting Bub & myself) and many other symptoms that go along with the disease. I was borderline psychosis.
In hindsight I started to suffer depression during my 6th month of the pregnancy.

I have written a short story of my experiences and my journey through this time. Below are a few paragraphs from the story that I hope relay how I felt and what I experienced. I hope that this helps other women who may be suffering from this disease and need to have it normalized. I TRULY UNDERSTAND! I've suffered through so much but I've come through a stronger person.

I have started from Chapter 5 as this is when Bub was born.

CHAPTER FIVE: Resentment
When we got home things went from bad to worse. The resentment grew and I used to lay in bed and pretend I didn’t hear her crying. I wanted things back the way they were. I regretted having her. I used to ask myself why I felt this way about her when she never asked to come into the world, but the thoughts never went away. When my Mother got up to attend to her I felt relief. If I was called to feed her the feelings of resentment would escalate.

I just couldn’t understand why everyone said this should be the most amazing experience, such a joyful time. I started to become completely void of emotion, I didn’t want to hold her, touch her, look at her. I didn’t want to feed her, I hated the responsibility. My husband would look at her lovingly and say “isn’t she beautiful” and I wouldn’t have anything to say- “if you think so” would sometimes be my response.
This was the child I had dreamed of having, I couldn’t wait to be a Mum and didn’t understand why I was feeling the way I was.

CHAPTER FIVE: Continued- Intrusive thoughts begin
I fought with myself for hours telling myself that I would never do that while it felt like my mind was challenging me, “yes, you can do it” .I was horrified, how could think like that? What kind of mother and person was I? I kept this to myself as I was so ashamed and the feeling of guilt were consuming me.
I thought this was enough but it escalated again and I started to have further thoughts of even more atrocities against my family & my daughter .
I felt so alone, desperate and ashamed- how could I ask for help when these images and thoughts were so repulsive.
Due to this I was not able to nurture my daughter the way I had fantasised. My little family was far from the perfect picture I had created in my mind prior to giving birth.


CHAPTER SIX: Fear, Anger & Hurt Plus a Mother's Love
It became so severe that I started to have suicidal thoughts, I just wanted the thoughts to stop! I couldn’t take it anymore. All these abhorrent thoughts about harming people I loved and continually battling with my head for the thoughts to cease and find some reason why I was thinking like this.
Once we returned home for the day, my Mum looked at me and asked what was wrong. I broke down crying and told her that I felt like the thoughts were consuming every part of me. I asked her why I would think like that when I would NEVER hurt my daughter or anyone. What is wrong with me? I confessed to the suicidal thoughts as well.


CHAPTER SEVEN: Learning to cope & survive
I saw my psychiatrist and was diagnosed with POSTNATAL DEPRESSION and for the first time felt confident that I could be cured. That this wasn’t for life, I could and would get better, not recovering had been a big fear of mine.

After I received the confirmation of the diagnosis and I had a name of the disease that I was suffering, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was never afraid or shy to tell people what I was going through. I now knew that the thoughts were not my fault, they did not define me as a person and I refused to hide away and pretend that I was fine and that I was coping. I was honest and admitted that I needed help, that I couldn’t do it on my own and that takes courage. Especially admitting what I did, considering it is such a taboo topics. I was proud of myself.

CHAPTER NINE: The prices you pay
When a Mother is suffering from PND the whole family is affected. My Husband did not understand and found it very difficult to cope, I had always been the strong one in the relationship and all of a sudden I couldn’t be that person anymore- I could not make any decisions, even deciding what to have for dinner was an extremely difficult process.
We have worked through it together and I believe we have come out stronger on the other side.

Throughout this whole nightmare my daughter has always adored me and her adoration never faltered. I often wondered what effect I was having on her but at the same time I knew I couldn’t care for her the way I wanted and the way she wanted me to. She craved my attention which unfortunately a lot of the time I was unable to give her. How can I care for a baby when I was struggling to look after myself.
Not every moment with her was horrible, she started to smile quite early and even when I was feeling low those little smiles put a spark in my heart.

EPILOGUE
I am not completely free from this disorder. I still have my up and down days but I get through. The down days are less frequent now and I feel a lot less depressed each time I have a downer. I am still on medication and I know that I am not ready to stop yet, but I am improving everyday.

The bond I now have with my daughter is amazing. She is my light, my joy…my everything and I would not wish her away. I love watching her grow and learn and couldn’t imagine my life without her. I am an incredibly proud mother and we are a great family.
At the onset of PND I promised myself that I would not have anymore children, I could not put myself through that again but my thoughts have changed on the matter and I do want to have another child. Hopefully things will be better with the second pregnancy (even though research does show any increased risk with future pregnancies) and if things do not work out then at least I have managed to build a support network now and know more about the disorder and we will be able to conquer it once again.

----------------------------------

I hope this helps someone...it helps me to write it down. As I said I have a whole story if anyone is ever interesting in reading it, please let me know.

For those who are suffering from this horrible debilitating disease- you will get better, I HAVE!
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September 3rd, 2008, 05:10 PM
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Although it is a feeling that I would never even wish upon my own worst enemy, as I had suffered from it myself, it DOES pass. I'm telling my story as an example of a worst-case scenario, not ment to offend anyone. My story is pretty graphic, therefore, if you are prone to being easily offended, then don't read any further.

When I got pregnant with my first child, my daughter, I started experiencing really bad mood swings about four months in. I was crying about a good 70% of the time. I asked a friend of mine that had just given birth to her son if she had the same issue. She told me that it would be fine, as soon as I gave birth to my daughter, that the feeling would almost immediately go away. Little did I know that I was really about to walk into what would be the worst 18 month battle for my life.

When I gave birth to Miya, my daughter, things seemed to have gone fine for about a week. I fed and changed her, burped her, etc. But other than that, I wanted nothing to do with her emotionally. I had become completely withdrawn, I can honestly say that she spent about the first 5 months of her life in a bouncy seat. As time passed, I progressively got worse, the crying became more frequent, I started eating alot and eventually got to a point where I could barely push myself out of bed everyday. I would get up, feed her, change her, and go lay back down again. I had literally sunk so far into a black hole that I thought that I was never going to be happy or normal again. I started to resent myself for crying all the time, it also didn't help that my own mother was telling me that "this whole post partum fad was a load of garbage and to get it out of my system and just carry on and raise my daughter." I also resented myself as a mother and a person as well.

It had progressed to a point where I wanted to finally put a stop to it. On our way back from a camping trip, I tried to literally throw myself from a moving vehicle. This would be the first of THREE suicide attempts. I was taken by my boyfriend to the hospital, where they prescribed me a low doseage of Celexa. It seemed to have worked for a month or two. Now, studies reflect that in teenagers and young adults, about 1 in 5 cases experience increased thoughts of suicide when under the influence of prescribed anti depressants. As it so turned out, I was one of those few people. The medication made the crying stop, although I was now this numb shell of an individual that just wanted to die. I missed out on my daughters' first christmas, because of my second attempt after having an arguement with my boyfriend and slashing my wrists. This time, I was placed into psychiatric care for a three week term.

The attending psychiatrist assured me that it was probably because I had needed an increased dose of the anti depressant that I was on, so I went along with his advice. I was released, and once again, within about a matter of a few months, I had made my third attempt.

This time, it proved to be quite effective. I took a three month supply of my anti depressants, which, in turn, had coagulated my blood to a point where it wasn't able to pass through my organs, therefore, they had begun shutting down, one by one. I was placed on life support and had to be revived twice by way of defibrillator. Needless to say, I made it out alive. I had brain damage for two months afterward and almost completely lost my daughter. I stopped the medication and haven't had a single problem since.

I'm telling you this in detail, not to alarm any of you, but to warn you of the dangers that are associated with anti depressant medications. I'm in no way stating that it may not work for some of you, but it is also not always the best treatment. PPD is associated with the hormone withdrawal that a woman goes through upon being parted from her baby physically. Anti depressants are usually prescribed to alter and increase the chemical balance of serotonin which is released (or not released) into the brain, thus causing anxiety and depression. This could very well be caused by the hormone withdrawal, but why run to anti depressants, when, if given time, the hormones will regulate themselves again, as will serotonin levels. Anti depressants are also highly addictive in a sense that the body becomes so dependant upon them that alot of it's users become "lifers."

Speaking from personal experience, I believe that if I had given it a bit more time, gone and sought out counselling to talk with someone and cry it out, the PPD would have passed on it's own. My hormones would have regulated in time, and I wouldn't have had to go the anti depressant route, which clearly wasn't the answer.

I am also now pregnant with my second, and have experienced NONE of the feelings that I did with the first, so there's proof and reassurance that it doesn't happen with every pregnancy. I spent a while being apprehensive about getting pregnant again after what I had gone through with the first.

What I'm trying to say is, as horrible as it is for some, it DOES pass. My best advice is to surround yourselves with people that love you and talk about how you're feeling. And above all else, just love that beautiful little miracle that was granted as a gift to you.
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