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I was asked to copy and paste this. I don't mind, but not sure how my 'hell' can help anyone.
I will edited a few things and add somethings I forgot to add too.
It is hard to deal with something like PPD when it seems to comsume you all over and make you feel the way it does, especially with a past of depression too. I want to share my story with you too.
I am 27 and just NOW realizing that my mother doesn't like me. I always felt she liked my brother more than me. He's older, ended up going to college, was in sports....he was just so perfect. Just the other day she stopped talking to me on messenger because my brother signed in. I never understood why I did the things that I did until now. My mother was there for us, but to tell us what to do different, why we did that wrong and why we should be doing that..... She started sending my to phyciatrists when I was around 10 or so. All I remember is that I started to not want to change in front of her anymore because I was getting older and she thought something was wrong with me. She never hugged or kissed me or told me that she loved me. I remember one year on Mother's Day I had no money to get her anything but a card, so in the card I wrote that I wanted to give her something that I haven't before, a hug. She said no! I ran out of the house crying, my dad ran after me. I tried to start my car but my dad reached across and tried to grab the keys saying, "Stop, let's talk." but I bit him and took off crying. I love my dad, I feel bad to this day. I didn't hurt him, just enought to make him let go of my keys. So, this has been a revelation for me just in this past week that she has made me feel worthless. Because of this, I got a boyfriend in 10th grade that physically and emotionally abused me. He was terrible. I went though some horrible things. I am so afraid to post this here for fear of what you all might think but I am going to anyway. I got pregnant with him. It was the only time we didn't use protection. I was told you couldn't get pregnant on AF. Well I did. I was 17, he was 15 so his parents said if I had the baby they would call the police and have me arrested for statatory rape. I ended up having an abortion and then they screamed at me Murderer!!!!! It was hell. I was with him until I graduated. I moved out of my parents house during this time, was sleeping on the floor of a friends trailor and almost didn't graduate. Somehow I graduated with a regents diploma. I still thought at that time that my mom was a good mom and I was a terrible child for running away. After I broke up with that boyfriend I found a great friend, Vodka. I drank so much. I can't tell you how many times I almost hit a telephone poll because I would drive plastered. I tried to find comfort in that and other things too. Men. I ended up sleeping with about 12 guys in 9 months. When I would get drunk, and sleep with a guy, it would make me feel worse and I would cut myself. Serated knives were also my friend. I liked the pain and I liked to see the blood dripping from my arm. I have scars up and down both arms.
Then I met my ex, moved back home. I was 20. He won't admit it but we tried for 7 months to get pregnant. I wanted a baby. Something else I thought would give me what I was yearning for. We got married and one week later I had the baby. During being pregnant he cheated on me a lot, and I still married him. We split up, got back together many times, had another baby thinking it would bring us closer. He put me though hell too. He hit me a few times, treated me like total dog crap all the other times. We got along so rarely I can count the times on one hand. We finally split up eventually and I went back to alcohol and knives. I was a terrible mother during those times. I even fell asleep on the bathroom floor while giving my kids a bath because I had a terrible hangover. I think that was the day I decided to never get like that again. My children could have drowned. I cut down on the alcohol, but then started to sleep with men again. I'm at 20. Still cut myself too. I met Brian and just fell in love. I havent cut myself in awhile, but I still drink. Never have I drinken while pregnant though. I always stopped during those times, but made it hard to deal with the emotions of horomones. Brielle's pregnancy was the worst. I really wanted to just end it all, take my life. Everyone would be better off without me. I got through it. I still suffer with it. I still get the urge to cut, I still feel like a worthless peice of crap that no one likes and no one will notice if gone. I honestly don't know how to deal with it. I just get through it. I try not to think about it. I have my problems with Brian. Sometimes he can just be such a selfish idiot, but when I need him, he's there. We are working through things right now. So I wish I had that magic pill. The one that makes your hurt go away. If only the stupid docs would have given me a re-fill of those pain meds!! They were awesome!!
Well sweetie, there is help out there. It is just finding it and getting it from the right person. I can tell you that relying solely(sp) on Brian as your achor is not a the best idea. I did that with Jon the first two years we were together and almost lost him because of it. I now see Jon as my mast, not my achor. My achor is my family, both my physical one I have gotten thru Jons family and my online family I have made. I would honestly suggest you seek counseling of some sort. Remember too, what happened to us in the past is bad, is hard to talk about, hard to deal with, BUT it is also what gives us our strength and helps us grow and learn. It tells us what NOT to do with our own children, and how to make their lives the best they can be instead of the hell we lived thru. (((hugs))) and remember I am here for you anytime,
Oh hun! *hugs* I love you sweetie! Thank you for sharing your story. I think you are a wonderful person and a great mom. And I understand the just finding out your mom isn't a good mom. I've only JUST realized that my mom is a stupid B!tch and I now realize a lot of the stuff I thought was MY fault growing up was hers.
Oh, sweetie....(((hugs))) I know that life isn't easy to deal with, and having a parent that doesn't care about you is worse. One things for sure though, GOD loves you and accepts you no matter what. We here at JM also accept and love you no matter what. I'm here whenever you need someone to talk to. My e-mail address is: Maliarx2005@yahoo.com
WIFE TO MY SOULMATE, ERIC
BABY BOY JACOB DUE FEB 2006!!
Well sweetie, I wish I had more time to reply. I will try to reply better tomorrow, but I just left a long reply on Rani's post, which would be an excellent one for you to read. Hang in there!! You are a survivor, and just remember you can lose your heartfelt pain in what you didn't get growing up, and instead focus on your kids and what they need and giving them better than you had. And just like Rani said, don't focus or rely so much on your SO, they can't fix it, and don't know how. The best thing to seek is a good counselor, or even just a support group!!! You can't heal yourself or move on without some help. You and your kids deserve better. Put your Mom in her place by being a better Mom than she ever was. "The best revenge is success!!"
(HUGS) I am sorry about how you are feeling, and what you went through. I am sorry about how your mom feels about you. I can understand why you hurt. I know it isn't worth much, but all those wounds will eventually become scars, and make your skin all that much thicker. I hope you can learn that you are important and valuable, and that you do mean something to someone. look in the faces of your children, adn you will know that you are loved. And of course we here at JM love you! I hope you can work through these things. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. (HUGS)