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I grew up being raised by my oldest sister. Mom was always out somewhere and dad was a druggie (my first smell of mary jane was from his room). I didnt get along to great with anyone the only person I trusted and loved truly was my grandpa. My sisters had times when they loved me but then for no reason they would beat me up or tease me(no i dont hold it against them) But me being sick took a toll on my family we were in debt up to our ears and I always wished my mom would of gotten rid of me before I was born. When I hit 12 I got into drugs and alcohol and acted very sexually toward the opposite sex. One day I was at a friends house and we went to is friends house down the street the guy Tony and I got along fine I decided to stay at his house (at this time I was 16) well needless to say I was ok with having sex but than since he didnt have anything I said no but of course that didnt stop him. Afer that I became more depressed even though I deserved it. It was also around that time my favorite uncle died so I just wanted to die. I cut myself and burnt myself ALL the time of course with all the scars my parents never noticed I kept getting heavier and heavier into alcohol and drugs I even tried to OD but I didnt I kept telling myself I couldnt leave my g-pa and my kitty (i know how corny) Than I met what I thought was my one true love I was 19 he was 29 he was so great to me at first. Than came a pg scare and he asked me to marry him after I said no tihngs went downhill. He would try to make me have sex with other couples or his friends. I knew it was wrong how he was treating me but I was addicted he was like my cocaine addiction only worse I could give up the coke not him. He would rape me time after time and I still stayed I always believed it happened to me twice for a reason I was a horrible person bringing a burden on my family and friends. He kept breaking up with me than wanting me back and I always went. Finally in 2003 after Valentines Day I never went back I met dh (online) in october a few weeks before the 27th the day my ex and i got together for the first time. Before dh I had 5 sexual partners that was my way of owning myself. Now that I have a beautifuls on I should be happy well Im not at first I was but now I cant hardly stand either one at times. I feel the worst about getting angry with Connor. There are times I want to leave dh and go back with my ex I cant explain why I would ever want to put myself through that again but I do. I know dh and ds would be better with me but still I stay. I need that magickal take away all my pain pill. I guess its hard for me to be happy because my g-pa passed away 5 days before ds was born I sometimes wish I would of died with him. I dont think I will ever be normal again heck I dont believe I ever was.
Wow, from what you describe I can list your axis'! Is this your first try on antidepressants? It may take several before you find one that works. As for wanting to go back to your ex--that is your low self esteem--you feel you don't deserve happiness and MAYBE you could be happy with DH.
HUGS to you and hang in there. It takes a while for the medication to kick in.
Oh no Ive been on Celexa after a year it quit working and zoloft but i was sleeping through Connors crying at night. Im also on amitriptyline which is for depression and anti-migraine (weird combo I know) I kinda feel better today thanks for the hugs though appreciated