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Maybe it's PPD. Things have been so crazy since Coral was born early. For the longest time it felt like time was standing still; it was as though the world just stopped and I was left in my OB's office at 29w6d, with him telling me to get to the hospital right then. Coral was born 2 days later and I was in shock. I couldn't accept that I'd had a baby (mostly since I couldn;t see her). I went home a few days after her birth, babyless, to a house devoid of anything baby. That first night, eating dinner, it hit me that I was no longer pregnant. I actually grieved that night like the baby had died. Then we endured the 6 weeks of having her in the hospital, and only getting to see her for maybe an hour or two every night during the week, because we only had one car and had two other kids. When she finally came home, such a tiny thing, that 2nd night she choked on reflux. She was literally drowning and was not breathing, pale and lifeless. We patted her chest so hard (to stimulate her to wake up) that we left bruises. I know that if she hadn't been on an apnea alarm that night, she would have died. Now she's 5 months old, exceptionally healthy and happy, if still small. She's behind in development - more where she would be if she'd been born full-term - but that's normal. Yet I can't help but be scared something will happen to her.
I feel like I'm harboring all this anger towards DH. I'm angry that he blew off the fears I had during my pregnancy that something was wrong. We knew from week 18 that the placenta was abnormal (4x too thick, splitting up). Then I was really really sick. I couldn't even watch our older kids - they had free run of the house. I get angry that he didn't take time off from work to help me. After I came home from the hospital, he told everyone that he was going to do half-days at work. He did that for one day and then was back to work as usual. That meant we only got an hour or hour and a half every evening with the baby. He said he was going to save his vacation time for when she came home. He spent one day home after she got to come home, and that was it.
I'm angry at my friends, none of whom visited me in the hospital, very few of whom offered to help after she was born. I was in too much shock to even remember to wash my hair, much less arrange for babysitters and meals. I wish DH and friends and family had just stepped up and taken the burden off my shoulders.
I haven't wanted to do much since Coral was born. I LOVE her sooo much. I make time for my older 2 but I just don't feel like involving myself with my friends and DH. I don't take care of myself - I was supposed to get a lung CT for an abnormality seen on a chest x-ray during my labor with Coral. It could be lung cancer and I just don't care. I'm still bleeding 5 months after having a baby, and I don't care. I have no interest whatsoever in being intimate with DH.
Maybe it's PPD. Maybe it's post-traumatic stress. Maybe I'm just mean. This past week, I just haven't been able to snap out of this funk I'm in. I guess it feels good to type these hidden feelings out. I probably sound like a total jerk I want everyone to leave me alone but at the same time I am desperate for human contact! Thanks for reading.
Heidi, mama to 5 kiddos and an lost 11.25.13 at 11w5d
Hey there I can't say that I totally understand what you are feeling but I do understand the rollar coaster of emotions you are having. I to have been feeling the same way but my story is totally different from yours. ANYWAY, Talking about what you are feeling and what you are thinking is a great step to getting better. But I do have to suggest that you should see a Dr and see about getting meds. I'm on a wait list for my Dr to get on meds for my ups and downs. I just wanted to let you know that things will be ok you just need to be strong wnough to ask for the help becore things get to bad hun. If you need to vent some more PLEASE PM me I will gladly be there for you to cry on!! I know it's hard and I know it's confusing. and I may not beable to give you any advice but I sure as heck can give you a shoulder to cry on when you need it.